Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Introducing the Badger-Scale!

Hey, kids, I've been sitting here working on a paper with the t.v. on and just finished "watching" a movie that Rutger Hauer and Jack Black (of all people) must have recurring nightmares about. It's a flick called Crossworlds and it's staggeringly awful. We're talking one of the movies they show in hell. One online review observes:

If that wasn't enough there are so many horrible scenes and so much bad acting in this movie that it would feel like a pleasure to sit through even the worst Jean Claude Van Damme movie. [Edited so as to adhere to some basic concept of English grammar]


What makes it for me, though, is that it has Jack Black in it... it's like that time in high school when my friends and I discovered David Hasselhoff lurking in the cinema classic Starcrash. Ah, the joys of finding those first-films some of our better known actors suffered through making. Hell, some of these probably qualified as their "big break."

So what does all this have to do with the badgers I mention in the title to this post? Simple: Today you get introduced to the Badger-Scale. Developed in the Southern U.S. in the late 20th century (Oh, I'd say about 1998 or so) the badger-scale is a system for rating movies that breaks with the typical "thumbs" or "stars" paradigm. See, these approaches assume that a movie has some positive elements. As many of us know, however, the vast majority of movies that emerge from Hollywood are so utterly terrible that any positive elements would be an improvement. With flicks like these, even one star is too many.

So, the badger-scale instead provides a potential viewer with an idea of the amount of pain that the movie in question will inflict. Specifically, a movie gets a badger-scale rating equal to the number of angry badgers that would have to be attacking your body to equal the pain caused by the film. Thus, positive badgers means a movie is bad, and negative badgers means it's good, with zero badgers indicating indifference. Seem like an overly pessimistic system? Heh, well, let's see if you say that after you're seen Millennium.

So what was Crossworld's badger rating? Oh... I think I'd go with 6. That's not too bad for the badger scale.

Next time you're watching a movie, maybe think about rating it in terms of the badger scale. I reckon you'll like it.

And maybe someone should find a nice negative-badger movie for Dorotha. Sounds like she needs one.

2 Comments:

Blogger dorotha said...

awww... drek! i thought you were supposed to be a big asshole or something, but this last bit is sort of sweet. thanks for the help, i do need some negative badgers.

Monday, July 12, 2004 8:07:00 AM  
Blogger Drek said...

Hey now... no need to go jumping to conclusions. It's just a lot more fun to mock people who aren't already feeling down. I am an asshole... I just like to be sporting about it.

Monday, July 12, 2004 10:29:00 AM  

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