Vote the Goat!
I have to be honest, I really don't understand why there's so much interest in the Democratic National Convention right now. I mean, leaving aside the bloggers that are actually attending the DNC, we still have bloggers who are commenting on the convention from afar and, god help us, we have bloggers who are blogging about what other bloggers are blogging about the convention. It's like some sort of gravitational singularity has suddenly emerged within the blogosphere and is warping all blogs into endlessly repeating loops of bloggerly commentary. I mean, shit, here I am commenting on others who have commented on still other bloggers who are actually commenting on the convention.
I can only hope that one of you freaks comments on this, and so keeps our descent into hell on schedule.
Still, in the midst of this maelstrom of uninformed, frequently semi-incoherent commentary (Amazingly, I'm not just talking about my own blog, although I could rename it from Total Drek to Uninformed, Semi-Incoherent Commentary without really lying in any way about the content) I am left wondering: what's the big deal?
Are we expecting any "big surprises" out of this convention? Shit, people, since the patronage system was gutted (largely) after the Civil War the conventions aren't the slop troughs that they used to be. Further, since the primary system became dominant, the party leadership has largely declined in authority. It used to be that candidates emerged out of smoky backrooms and last minute horse-trades between party bosses. Now... now we pretty much know who it is before the damned thing even starts.
Now, I know, the DNC has had an impressive lineup of speakers. We've all enjoyed that. We've had celebrities and stars offering us advice and support. We've even had Bono, for christ's sake. BONO! It's probably just me, but I don't think I want to take political advice from a guy without a last name. (The smug among you are thinking, "But Drek, you go by one name only!" Yeah, I do. You know what else? YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T TAKE MY ADVICE!)
I suppose there are rumors floating around that some delegates may support Kucinich still, instead of the Kerry/Edwards ticket. You know what? Who fucking cares? Kerry and Edwards ARE the damned ticket. If some states decide to make a stink about Kucinich it ain't gonna change a damn thing. So, why do I give a shit? There's no tension, there's no suspense, no decision making is going on. It's like being a skydiver whose parachute has failed. You can steer yourself into a mountain, or you can steer yourself into a field, so I guess you have the "excitement" of not knowing the exact way things are going to happen. Regardless of what you pick, though, very shortly you're going to be a pink-tinged fucking crater. Whoopie.
I don't have a problem with the conventions, and I think it's good that there's this opportunity to drum up support and really get the message out. The thing is, I don't understand why so many people are so focussed on what amounts to a multi-million dollar pep-rally.
I think, too, the big issue for me is that this election isn't going to be about Kerry and Edwards. The simple truth is that an enormous number of people won't be voting for KE '04, they'll be voting AGAINST BC '04. At this point, the democrats could run a goat for president, and I'd still vote for it. I mean, think about it, what would a goat-run white house be like?
(As a side note, I'm going to stick with a male pronoun here just because I love getting e-mail from irate feminists who think I'm shoring up the patriarchy. And because I'm too lazy to see if there's a specific term for a female goat.)
(1) The secret service would lead stress-free lives, since the president would stay put so long as he was kept supplied with ample garbage.
(2) Troop deployments would be unlikely.
(3) Sex scandals would probably be on the rise, since goats aren't known for their discretion, but we've already managed to endure that with Clinton.
(4) I'm guessing animal rights would be on the agenda.
(5) I'm guessing goat droppings would be on the rug.
(6) We would finally have a tough and savy foreign negotiator who could keep his foot out of his mouth.
(7) While our president's vocabulary would be somewhat sub-par, at least he would refrain from mispronouncing words that edumacated people usually say flawlessly.
(8) After his retirement from public life, President Goat would save taxpayers millions by living out the remainder of his life in a petting zoo, rather than an estate. I'm pretty sure this was the post-presidential dream of several of our past chief executives. I leave it to you to decide which.
(9) Radical liberals could rejoice in our first vegetarian president.
(10) American Atheists could stand easy, knowing we at last have a President who so values the separation of church and state, he doesn't mention God every sixteen seconds during speeches. (Dream the impossible dream, people.)
Yes, friends, clearly a goat has many advantages as a president. As, in comparison to Bush, would a pet rock, a used bicycle tire, or one of those drinking bird toys.
So, Democratic Party, whenever you get done spending a shitload of money on booze, balloons, and spin-control for that thoroughly-normal "Shove it" remark, let me know. I'll basically be all set to vote for whatever vaguely-sapient candidate you have lined up.
And, you know, in a pinch I can live without the sapient part. We've all been doing that for the past 4 years or so.