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Thursday, August 05, 2004

Fun with spam

Obviously my reputation for discretion precedes me. It would seem that I am becoming THE agent for shady foreign financial deals. I suppose I should be flattered, but considering how much Tom Ebewele stressed privacy, I am shocked to learn he's giving me as a referral to other bankers. Shocked I tell you. I'm not sure what's more insulting: that these folks think I'm this stupid, or that they think I'm so ready to believe in the dishonesty of a culture that was the immediate progenitor of algebra.


STRATEGY DEPARTMENT
MASHREQ BANK LIMITED
DUBAI
UNITED ARAB EMIRATE
ATTN:

I am Dr. Muhammad Khalil Hasan, a banker with the Mashreq Bank Plc Dubai, UAE. I am the Accounts officer of late Mr. Michael j.Brown the African Area Director of SIL International, who unfortunately died in the crash of Kenya Airways Flight 431 in Abidjan, Ivory Coast, January 30 2000. You will read more stories about the crash on visiting this website, news.airwise.com/airlines/archive/2000/kenya2000.htm l and also in this website, where Michael's company talked about his death in the Kenya crash. Mr. Michael Brown was from Hamilton, Ontario Canada. Since the death of Michael, I as his accounts officer in the bank, have made several enquiries to locate his only surviving relation, without any success. I came across your name and
contact, on the course of my personal searching for reliable and honest person whom will transact this business with me so i decided to contact you for this project.

I am contacting you to assist in repatriating and securing the wealth left behind in a fixed deposit account by Michael, before they get confiscated or declared
unserviceable by my bank. The board of my bank, has issued a notice that after 2 months from now and no next of kin shown up for the claim, the funds will be confiscated and declared unserviceable. Since I and my team have been unsuccessful
in locating Michael's relatives for sometime now, I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin of the deceased since you are a foreigner, so that the proceed of
this deposit valued at $USD24.6 Million Dollars can be released to you.

The bank will release the funds to any foreigner who has all related information/documents to the bank account. I am in charge of this matter in my bank, because I am his accounts officer. Your application will be directed to my department for verification and approval. Everything is under my control. I shall provide you all the information and copy of the certificate of deposit issued to Michael when he deposited the funds. I shall also involve a good attorney who shall represent you in all the appropriate offices for the claim. Please, find in the attachment my work ID Card. This is just to proof to you that my proposal is genuine. I also have all necessary information we need for the claim and once the money is transferred to you, I shall destroy all the documents used for the claim and leave no traces. After everything, you shall have 40% of the total sum,while 60% for me. All requires is your honest cooperation to enable us see this business successful. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Michael was a very good man and it is not wise to allow his hard earned wealth to be stolen by the greedy directors of my bank.

Further details awaits your response by email. PLEASE, TREAT THIS PROPOSAL AS TOP SECRET.

Best Regards
Muhammad Khalil Hasan.
Banker.


It does, however, get better as I recently received this from one "Rosemarie Contreras." That's a helluva name to be using when you e-mail from Germany, too.


Hi again,
We now have over 96 meds available online now!

We are having specials on Xanax, V1AGRA, S0MA, AMBlEN and VALlUM

FREE ClALlS WITH EVERY 0RDER


Ok, first of all, "Hi again?!" Lady, I have no idea who the fuck you are.

Secondly, I'm thrilled to hear that online drug-dealing is so lucrative as to allow them to offer 96 different flavors. Boo-yah!

Third, let's take a look at what they're offering. In order, we have an anxiolytic, a drug for erectile dysfunction, a muscle relaxant, a sedative, and another anxiotytic. So, this company is marketing itself to anxious, impotent men who have muscle pain and can't sleep? Shit, I'm glad they decided to include me in that group!

What makes it better is the offer to send a different drug for erectile dysfunction with every order, whether you ask for it or not. This seems to be a combination of the "Drugs are like Pez" school of thought, and that guy who visits Blockbuster Video and rents "Annie Hall," "Sense & Sensibility," and "Femalien II: The Search for Kara." You know, hoping that mixed in with the more quality titles, we won't notice the cheesy soft-core porn. Is this drug company really thinking that, even when ordering online in the most impersonal way possible, folks will still try to disguise their purchases in such an asinine way?

As a side note, I love the review of Femalien II on the Internet Movie Database by Jay Stuler. Specifically, I love his remark that, "If you must see something like this, check out the first Femalien for a much higher quality film." This is funny on so many levels. You've seen Femalien 1? Yet, you still watched the second? Given the rest of the review, too, it seems like Jay may as well have written, "If you must pound a nail into your face, check out the smaller gauge nails at modeling stores for a much higher quality experience." But I digress...

Finally, let's talk about the weird use of the number "1" instead of the letter "i" in the drug names. I'd say it was their keyboard, or their language pack, except that elsewhere in the e-mail ("Hi again," for example) they seem to be able to get "i" just fine. It's like they're trying to appear hip and with-it to the 1337 speaking internet crowd, sorta like jeff k. So, this service is being marketted to anxious, impotent GAMER men who have muscle pains and can't sleep? Wow.

That's all I can say.

Wow.

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