Well, I don't drink, but I can give it a shot...
Consecrate an altar to Dionysus if…
…John Kerry doesn't go over the time limit with a meandering borderline incoherent response to every question.
…George W. Bush forgets the talking points he learned from handlers through Pavlovian conditioning and speaks honestly and forthrightly.
…John Kerry doesn't look and act like a corpse.
…John Kerry admits that, yes, he in fact is French.
…the words falling out of George W. Bush's mouth are fresh, original, and well considered.
…George W. Bush finally admits that the Iraq war against Saddam Hussein was just a case of confusion over the spelling of "Bin Laden".
…John Kerry suddenly realizes that scratching his finger on a loose screw in Vietnam doesn't make him a hero or prepare him for being president.
…George W. Bush suddenly realizes that flying a jet around Texas when the fancy strikes him between keggers doesn't equate to serving our country honorably.
…George W. Bush abandons the religious rhetoric and promotes a return to the good old days of separation of church and state.
…the debate turns out to be an honest clash of ideas rather than a verbal filing of press releases.
…you don't get disgusted by both candidates, feel completely disenfranchised from politics in the United States, and want to start a revolution after watching the debate.
Dare to dream, eh?