Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Friday, December 03, 2004

The Total Drek Male Mail Sack

Here at Total Drek I usually carry on the business of blogging with minimal interference from the outside world. This gives me the magical ability to more or less ignore other people and just screw off without interruption. Sometimes, though, I get e-mail. Sometimes I get a lot of e-mail, and those e-mails frequently ask the same things. So, today, we're going to answer some of those questions publicly. You might think of this as a Drek-FAQ.... which, coincidentally, is also a good way to spell that noise you make when you're trying to clear your throat. In any case, let's be about it.

Does your blog have a syndication feed?

Yes. This blog is syndicated at the following address:

http://totaldrek.blogspot.com/atom.xml

Knock yourself out.

What ever happened to that computer you built in the fridge?

The IceBox? I still have it. It's currently sitting in my kitchen partially disassembled. When I have time and money I want to build a newer, more powerful computer inside the fridge and re-examine the whole heating/cooling issue. Given that time and money are the limiting factors, I wouldn't expect any movement earlier than this summer.

You write such long posts, how do you find the time?

I get this question a lot. As it happens, I don't write the posts myself. Instead I have a C++ program that automatically generates blog posts for me. All I have to do is feed in random text from a website or two and the program spits out "analysis" with a liberal amount of profanity mixed in. I call it "ElectroDrek." I'm currently working on "ElectroDrek 2.0" that will combine the proven ElectroDrek algorithms with the code from Dr. Sbaitso thus allowing the software to verbally insult my readers, instead of just doing it in text.

That's neat! What do you do with the time that ElectroDrek saves you?

Eh. Mostly I snort cocaine off of the ass of a twelve year-old boy named "Dusty." I find the irony too much to resist.

Is your name really "Drek?"

No, it isn't. Drek is just a nickname I use for blogging. My full name is Drekolomew el sin interés.

Have you beaten Half-Life 2 yet?

Yes.

Really? What happens?

Well, you discover that the G-Man is a handler in a large Illuminati plot to create the first post-human. "Post-human," is a generic sci-fi term for humans that have been fundamentally altered on some level to create a new species, usually thought to be superior in some fashion. The altering often involves nanotechnology or genetic engineering or something like that. Anyway, your buddy has been shepherding you through an increasingly bad situation in order to test the quality of your genetic material for inclusion in this effort. The Combine invasion of Earth was really engineered by the G-Man's employers to allow them to test a variety of candidates like yourself. Alyx, as it turns out, is another such candidate, as were Barney Calhoun and Adrian Shepherd before that unfortunate blimp accident. In the end of Half-Life 2 you discover the truth of this plot and destroy the Illuminati labs with the help of some Antlions and Dr. Breen, the Black Mesa Administrator, who turns out to be your real father. With the annihilation of the Illuminati the Combine packs up and heads home, and you and Alyx settle down and have some kids. There's some hinting that your kids will be the REAL post-humans and will finally solve the riddle of the original Black Mesa incident in Half-Life 3.

Wow! Really?!

No.

Ok, jackass, have you really finished the game?

Yes, but wouldn't it spoil the surprise if I told you about the end?

Um... yeah?

Well, there you go.

If I know who you are, can I come to your house and see Half-Life 2?

Maybe. Call first and we'll see.

Did you ever figure out if that girl was flirting with you?

Yes.

So... was she?

No.

Wow. That's gotta suck.

Hey, happens to us all from time to time.

No, I mean, DAMN, you must feel just awful!

Well, thank you for that uplifting message. I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

Do you really not want us to take your blog seriously?

If you have to ask that question, you're too stupid to understand the answer. Whoops... you've got some drool going there, sport.

If you could be any creature, what would you be?

A human.

Okay, any non-human creature?

A tapeworm.

Why a tapeworm?

Well, I spent a year working for a biomedical software company that was getting product clearance from the FDA. So, I guess you could say that I'm already used to the idea of being a worthless parasite that's constantly swimming through shit.

I think you were mean to me in your blog. Will you take down the post I don't like?

No. I will, however, allow you to publicly rebut me. For those who don't know: that does not mean I'll let you somehow fit me with a new butt to replace the old one. "Rebut" means something quite different.

If I can demonstrate that you were wrong, will you publicly retract your statements?

Yes.

Are you really as much of an asshole as you seem?

No. I am much, much more of an asshole in person. This helps to explain why I am such a lonely, pathetic man.

Can I take my final exam early?

Did you have a death in the family?

No.

How about some sort of major medical problem?

No, I'm fit as a fiddle.

Are you flying overseas afterwards and can save a few hundred dollars if you leave early?

Nah, I'm just going to go home and screw my old high school flame for three weeks before next semester.

Do you have ANY legitimate reason whatsoever for receiving special treatment?

Um... I want it?

Right. Okay. No, you take the final with everyone else.

But...

No.

You're mean.

And you're stupid. Life is just full of its little disappointments, eh? I guess we'll both have to live with our shortcomings.

Does this look infected?

Dude, don't point that thing at me. And if you have to ask, the answer is probably "yes."

What happened to Slag? Is he still a coblogger?

In theory, yes, he's still a coblogger. In practice the little bastard has been MIA for some time. He's lucky he lives so far away or I'd drive out there, beat the shit out of him, and leave him for dead.

C'mon, would you really do that?

Nah. I'd make sure he was dead, THEN leave him.

Who is your favorite classical sociologist?

Georg Simmel.

Do you think this FAQ gimmick has gotten old yet?

Yes. Yes I do.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

> Drekolomew"I'm a mog; half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend."

- Alan

Friday, December 03, 2004 11:00:00 AM  

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