Selections from the Prison Notebooks...
In any case, while I held this job I used to take copious notes on a set of legal pads. Initially, before my innocence was forever ripped from my grasp, these pads were an earnest attempt to keep track of the details of my job. Over time, as it became increasingly apparent that my job was, at best, punishment for some wrong-doing in a past life, they became an outlet for my desperate frustration.
While searching my apartment for something recently, I came across the stack of pads that I accumulated during my tenure at this company. Why did I keep them, you ask? Well, I'll give you the answer I give everyone else: so that I can remember the necessary details when the subpoena is served.
Stop laughing, I'm completely serious.
This job was, in short, like serving time in prison and these pads were my very own Gramsci-esque notebooks. Now, like many authors, some sociologists have produced their best work while in prison, achieving insights that might have been impossible beyond the stagnant walls of jail. I am not one of those sociologists. Still, there are occasional amusing comments scribbled in the margins of these notebooks and, for lack of anything better to do, I've decided to share some. Feel free to ignore the remainder of this post as it is largely unimportant drivel. I'll indicate which notebook a given set of comments derive from as this allows you to track my descent into bitter madness more clearly. This post includes only the first three notebooks.
The beginning. During this early period I was genuinely trying to do my job... mostly because I believed that such a thing actually existed. There are only one or two comments of any value in this notepad, but it's important to keep in mind that this pad covers the first two weeks of my employment when I was just supposed to sit next to my boss all day and watch him type. It also covers the very beginning of what would turn into a several-week argument via fax machine about a chi-squared test.
"How do we kill Dellhost? Maybe a wooden stake?"
"Machine down. We're screwed."
"Tap. Tap. Tap. All day with the tapping."
See? I told you that earlier shit was brief. This second notebook covers my dawning comprehension that I had been cursed.
"Can we administer a server ourselves? Well, since you're an idiot and I know jack about networking..."
"So... if we aren't tracking client ID's over more than one session, why do we need to look up ID's in the first place? Fun?"
"Bob [a contractor] couldn't find his own asshole with both hands and a bad smell."
"Shit is resolved! OMG, we fixed something!!"
"Where the hell did the overflow come from? The contractors shall die!"
"He actually called me on his own initiative to offer help? Go Steve!"
"Possible names for product: Hemorragic Fever"
"He's in Manhattan. Oooh, I'm soooo impressed. Feh."
The following comes out of my first performance review:
No personality problems with others so far. (You just don't know me yet.)
Creative, reliable. (And that's just in bed.)
Willing to tackle problems. (For a fee, beat the shit out of them too.)
Thoughtful, responsible. (Um... really?)
Very good, just nervous sometimes. (Nah, it's just all the amphetamines.)
Moving right along...
By this point my officemate had been hired and I was starting to get well and truly annoyed with things. This is particularly the case with our lack of a product design, as I was sketching designs in my notebooks just to try and keep things clear in my own mind.
"Discussion: SEC situation. Conclusion: Don't piss them off. Did we really need to talk about it for an hour to figure that out?"
"How do we nicely explain that our sponsors are ashamed of us?"
"These people are SO fucking us! I mean, we don't need any help with that. We can do it just fine on our own."
"Write up documents on employee retirement accounts. A little premature, I think."
"Should we use Simon? Well, he's basically useless except for show."
"The contractors want a design document from us? HALLELUJAH!!"
"Is this product good for transvestites?"
"RandomGenericCompany- Our future owners I'll bet. Their system requires more training, more maintenance, and is more expensive, but is still better than ours. You know, in that it works."
"Simon: Doesn't like the strategy, but doesn't have any useful suggestions. Ignore him and hope he goes away."
"The purpose for this trip is 'getting things moving.' i.e. no good, specific reason."
"'Build options into our design.' How do we do what when we don't have a DESIGN DOCUMENT?!"
"Meeting from 10:00-12:30: Long pointless argument."
"Man, I don't trust this guy."
"Problem resolved. Verdict: Steve is a dumbass."
"We need to add office expenses to budgets. Not really sure why, but I'll try anything for a laugh."
"Steve is a twit. We all know it, even him."
"Meeting 1:30-3:00: Long pointless argument."
"Documentation is still being written and will continue into the foreseeable future because as long as it's all 'draft' we can't be sued. I feel so dirty right now."
Well, wasn't that fun? No? Well, fuck you too. Given how busy I am this week, you're lucky I didn't just type the work "Ass" over and over again for today's post.
Hey, come to think of it... that's not half-bad.