Oma ist nicht da!
Well, I say it does. Babelfish claims it means something along the lines of "not there Granny is," but I think that might be a tad off. In any case, this particular phrase will always be burned into my memory thanks to my foreign language "training" in high school. I say "training" because my education in German was roughly as effective as my education in mime. If any of you are suddenly picturing me in whiteface and a striped shirt, let me assure you that you're stupid.
Anyway, my training in the German language included a series of helpful audio cassettes recorded sometime during the fifties. These cassettes featured a perky German family known as the Baumanns. I suppose they were good people but I can't really say as I never spoke enough German to follow their conversations past the first tape, which was helpfully named "Oma ist nicht da." Needless to say, it focussed on the family's dawning realization that Oma was, in fact, nicht da. It was hard to miss this realization since it was repeated more times over the course of the tape than a commercial for Cialis during an episode of Desperate Housewives.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not working my way around to the assertion that my own grandmother isn't here. All of my grandparents are, in fact, presently dead, and I don't expect that state of affairs to change anytime soon. For the record, I do love and miss my grandparents, I simply don't wish to see them turn into various forms of the undead like vampires, zombies, or, god forbid, something even more terrible. No, it is not my grandmother who is not here, but rather my mother, or as the Germans would say, "Meine Mutter ist nicht hier." Needless to say this means that my mother was here recently.
Oh, boy, was she. In a divergence from norm, she recently decided to visit me, in the process driving me up a goddamn wall. Well, the visit was the divergence from norm- the driving me up a fucking wall part is fairly standard. Why is this, you ask? Well, you see, my mother is a wonderful woman who is unable to show affection save through purchasing random shit, and criticizing my driving. So, after having had my dear mum here for a week, I am now the proud owner of more toilet paper than I can ever conceive of using, and am driving extremely defensively. At least this year I came up with the idea of having my mother buy my friends and associates crap, like a meal, so as to hit her "I've expressed my love" dollar amount threshold, and shut down the wackiness. Regrettably a similar tactic doesn't seem viable when it comes to the whole driving thing, but we can work on that in the future.
The real hero of this past week, though, was not me, nor my loser friends, but rather My Sainted Girlfriend. I refer to her as such because she braved multiple repeated contacts with the bundle of insanity from whose loins I sprang. She did so with grace, aplomb, and no small amount of charm, despite the fact that my mother is a staunch Republican and my girlfriend really isn't. So, having emerged alive and well from my recent close encounter of the maternal kind, I just want to extend my thanks and appreciation to MSGf: you're amazing, and really made the time go by much more smoothly. I owe you.
Or, as the Germans would say:
Meine Freundin ist sehr viel intelligenter, lustiger, und attraktiver als Ihre. Es sei denn d.h. sind Sie eine gerade Frau oder ein homosexueller Mann, in diesem Fall lassen uns gerechtes Sagen, dem ich sie wirklich mag und es an dem lasse.