Intercepted Bush Speech Notes!
And now, without further ado:
President's Dinner Address: June 14th, 2005
My fellow Americans, it is my great pleasure today to welcome you, fellow lovers of freedom, to this dinner.
(pause for applause)
It's a genuine pleasure for me to be sitting here in a room full of such distinguished Republicans- people who understand the need for firm convictions in this country. This is the party that stands for personal responsibility, personal freedom, and solid family values. You, my distinguished guests, include such figures as Secretary Rumsfeld, who is an unrivaled lover of freedom, Mark Kulkis, a dedicated maker of educational films, and Mary Carey, who shines as a sterling example of Republican womanhood. You are all outstanding examples of what this Grand Olde Party is all about. Indeed, we are a gathering of those whose convictions are like iron, and this country would be a better place if only everyone like us were convicted.
This has been a difficult few years for us- we have triumphed over stiff opposition to freedom, both at home, and abroad, and brought the first seeds of democracy to that distant, sandy land: Iraq. Even now a new government born of freedom and liberty, organized by those who do not hate freedom, and dedicated to promoting the American values of freedom, is taking the reigns of power.
(pause for applause)
Yet, our mission, our purpose, our grand destiny as a people that was made so very manifest during the September 11th attacks, those challenges to freedom, has only begun to be fulfilled. Many think that we have done our duty by bringing freedom to Iraq- but we in this room know such thoughts to be untrue. Our duty compels us to continue- to bring freedom to the other backward, and wretched nations of this earth. On the Statuesque of Liberty, it reads, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yawning to be free." Well, that was a message to the old Europe- and our new message is this: we deliver.
But our mission cannot, must not, end with merely the huddled nations of the Earth, yearning for our freedoms. We have a greater obligation, a greater destiny, laid upon us by God himself. Scientists today announced that, outside our solar system, more than a hundred thousand miles away into space, there exists a planet much like ours. How like ours is it? Well, I'll tell 'ya. This planet is made of rock, much as scientists tell us our planet is made of rock. This planet orbits a star, much as our planet orbits a star. The similarities are, indeed, striking. Dr. Geoffrey Marcy, speaking of this world, said, "For the first time, we are finding our planetary kin among the stars."
And this makes me realize that if we have planetary kin among the stars, maybe we have other kin among the stars too. Other worlds, and other people, who need freedom. Some might say, "But what if these worlds in space have freedom already?" To that I can only answer, "no." They cannot have freedom because they don't know what it's like to be American, and they have never heard of our Lord Jesus Christ, who teaches us the true meaning of freedom each and every Sunday that we spend in uncomfortable clothing in church, in our pious attempts to avoid the eternal hellfire of the underworld. What greater gift could we give to our kin among the stars than the gift of Christ and his freedom?
Our destiny in space is clear. We must search for our space kin, called "M-Dwarves" by the scientists, because they are very small, and teach them what it is to be American, and Christian. We must civilize space as we civilized this continent, by killing those wicked enemies of freedom that we find, and raping their women. We must form a new space cavalry to go amongst them and seed freedom.
Now my critics may question this plan, just as they questioned the war in Iraq. They may say things like, "What if the aliens don't have women?" or "What if they have acid blood and raping them hurts?" Some might even say that this merges church and state together. To these objections I say, first, that you're either with me, or you're against freedom. But, if that isn't enough to convince you, there're other things, too.
The scientists say that the star Gliese 876 has a "dance in resonance," and I think you'll all agree that where there's dancing, there're women. Heck, without Laura, you'd notice my two left feet all the time!
(Pause for laughter)
As for the acid, nobody said that spreading freedom was going to be easy, or without sacrifice- only that it was worth it.
Our future lies in the stars, brining the great gifts of the frontier and freedom to our space kin who do not have freedom. It is up to us, now, to spend the money, and blood, necessary to cultivate freedom both at home, and on godforesaken rocks baking in absurdly close proximity to their host stars. It is our duty as Christians, as Americans, and as Republicans. And if there's anyone who knows about raping, it's Republicans!
(pause for cheers from the audience)
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your attention. God bless America; God bless freedom. Enjoy the veal.
(Exit to thunderous applause)
And you thought our foreign policy couldn't get any worse.
For those who are wondering, no, I am not involved in espionage against the U.S. Government and, yes, this is made up.