Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

An open letter to the guy with the cock rooster in my neighborhood.

Dear Sir and/or Madam,

I am sorry to be communicating with you for the first time in such an impersonal fashion. While I am not what you might call a "people person" I do like to be somewhat more cordial with those near whom I live. This is particularly true if it should become necessary to discuss a matter of some importance with them, as is indeed the case now. Sadly, however, I have not made your acquaintence- most likely because you are not out and about the neighborhood in the morning when I go for my daily jog and thus, unlike Self-Confident Asian Man*, Angry Woman With a Bandana**, and Out-of-Shape Mr. Clean***, I have not been given the opportunity to know you.

Yet, despite our lack of introduction, I find that I must speak with you about an important subject: your cock. I find it uncomfortable to have to discuss someone else's cock, but I see no other choice. You are keeping a cock in a residential area. Possibly you have several cocks and, perhaps, the hens to go with them. I cannot imagine why you feel the need to keep your cock in such a state- the price of eggs is, indeed, rather low and a cock would be of minimal help in procuring them anyway. As for meat, while I am certain that you do love cock, I doubt that you have the land to raise an adequate number of cocks to supplement your diet to any worthwhile degree. My sainted girlfriend suggested that your cock might live in a fort. She then continued, noting my rather obvious confusion, by pointing out that they keep cocks in forts to, in her words, "Wake up the soldier people." While I can't argue that forts don't contain many cocks, I think her hypothesis unlikely for two reasons. In sum these are: (A) we do not live in the nineteenth century and, thus, soldiers have access to more reliable alarm mechanisms and, (B) there is not a particularly large military presence in my neighborhood. If you do in fact live in a fort, in or out of the nineteenth century, I apologize. In any case, given the rising concerns about Asian bird flu, there are ample reasons to think that keeping poultry in a residential zone is unwise. I can only assume that you keep it as a pet, and that perhaps your children or friends enjoy playing with, and petting, your cock too much for you to consider finding other arrangements for it. So, while I do not object in principle to keeping your cock in the neighborhood, it seems that in practice you lack a good reason for doing so.

I am not writing, however, to object to your cock, but rather to draw your attention to the very real possibility that your cock is ill. As I said before, I run daily in the morning. Usually I am out at, or before, dawn and thus am accustomed to hearing your cock crowing at the sun. However, last night after using the restroom, I overheard your cock crowing. This crowing was rather frequent, taking place about once every thirty seconds or so, and continued for at least an hour. This, by itself, would not be an issue, and I can admire a bird with such dedication to duty, but unfortunately the sun was nowhere to be seen. Moreover, as the time was 3:30 AM, I can safely assure you that dawn was far from imminent. Since cocks are, as a general rule, supposed to remain torpid until around dawn, this behavior seems strange. I am forced to conclude that either your cock is ill in some way, or is too stupid to successfully distinguish night from day. While, certainly, there have been in the past elaborate rules for telling when dawn has arrived (Mohammed, I believe, indicated that it was dawn when a white thread could be distinguished from a black thread with the naked eye) I think that cocks have no need for such precision and, in any case, should have noticed that it was still quite dark out.

I think you should, perhaps, take action to deal with this situation. You could try sending your cock to some sort of remedial or vocational training as its job-skills are obviously or low quality. If this is not an option you might try exercising your cock rather heavily during the day in the hope that it will sleep until the actual dawn. This probably won't work, however, as cocks are not known for being able to work out for more than relatively short spurts- although the ones that can work for very lengthy periods are highly prized. Finally, you could take an axe and just kill the little fucker now before he resumes making that infernal racket. This would have the added advantage of preventing a bird too dumb to tell light from dark from breeding. Certainly, without this one cock it's possible that poultry will evolve into some sort of super-intelligent master race, but that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Thank you for your attention, and I wish you luck throttling your cock.

Sincerely,

Drek the Uninteresting

* Self-Confident Asian Man is a gentleman of, apparently, Asian descent that I see walking in my neighborhood most mornings. Periodically he raises his fist towards the heavens as though to say, "Fuck yeah!" Thus, since he seemed to engage in such regular self-affirmation, I considered him to be Self-Confident. Recently I have determined that he is blocking out the sun when he crosses east/west streets, but the name just seems fitting. Also: he vaguely reminds me of Manuel Noriega (Who is not Asian) so I have the weird feeling that the former dictator of Thailand (or some similar country) lives in my neighborhood. At least he's keeping busy. And positive.

**Angry Woman with a Bandana can been seen in my neighborhood at around 6:45, walking her two Jack Russel Terriers. She always wears a bandana over her hair and always glares at me as I run past. As I have never done anything to harm this individual, I can only conclude that she is a generally angry woman. In a bandana.

***Out-of-Shape Mr. Clean is another individual who walks dogs in my neighborhood. He can usually be seen around between 6:15 and 6:30 and has two weiner-dogs that yap at everything. He is entirely bald and looks basically like Mr. Clean would look if he (Mr. Clean) stopped exercising and gained about sixty pounds.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am laughing in the computer lab. And I still don't discount the fort idea. I think I'll go looking for it tonight, in fact. -D's SGf

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 12:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your post leads me to believe that you have not previously had the good fortune of living next to a noisy cock. Our country is a fine one, but we are quite shielded from the noise associated with local farmyard animals. One might assume for instance that the district of columbia hasn't a single cock of any size or importance located within it's borders for years.

However from my travels in south and central america I can assure you that it's not at all unusual for your friendly neigborhood cock to go off at all hours of the night, with or without a sunrise to trigger it's loud, persistent and irritating call. My best suggestion is a pair of earplugs until such point at which the cock dies (a hopefully) painful death.

Good luck.

- Beth

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 1:49:00 PM  

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