Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Monday, November 14, 2005

A sincere warning.

Some time back I wrote a post introducing a little something known as the "Badger Scale." The badger scale is a system for rating movies that, unlike most systems, assumes that the average movie sucks. So, a movie receives a rating equal to the number of badgers that would have to attack you to equal the amount of pain inflicted by the film in question. Thus, positive badger scale ratings indicate a bad movie, while negative ratings indicate a good movie. At the time, I was rating the film Crossworlds which earned a 6. This may sound pretty bad but, in fact, really isn't. The current record holder has either a 12 or a 14, depending on which of the rating team members you talk to. What movie is this record holder? I'm not telling- it would ruin the surprise.

What I am telling, however, is about a dire new threat that has emerged. This is a new movie, a threatening movie, a movie that is capable of tearing away your sanity like the dreaded Cthulu himself. I refer to the movie Hotel. Now, based on the plot summary, you might think that this sounds like a good movie. To wit:

While a British film crew are shooting a version of The Duchess Of Malfi in Venice, they in turn are being filmed by a sleasy documentary primadonna while the strange staff share meals which consist of human meat. Then there is the hit man, the call girl and the hollywood producer all managing to become part of the madness...


So, a quirky darkly-humorous film. In reality, however, this is a movie that could have been created by a couple of goth teenagers with ready access to meth amphetamines and a videocamera. The acting, directing, film work, and so on, are about at that level. Please understand that I watched this entire film with my Sainted Girlfriend and we both concluded that it was equivalent to a two-hour mindfuck. And I don't mean "mindfuck" in the sense of "a bold ride through the human psyche" so much as in the sense of "the director pried open my skull and stirred my cerebrum with his penis."

This is a bad movie- so bad that it, frankly, achieves something that only one other movie ever has. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this film is off of the badger scale. I don't feel competent to actually assign a badger scale rating to this sucker it's so bad. It exists in an existential realm of such pure, unadulterated suck, it exceeds our imperfect human attempts to describe it. The only other film to accomplish such a feat was the infamous Plan 9 From Outer Space, which is widely regarded as the worst movie ever made. Ever. Having seen Plan 9 I more or less agree, with the caveat that I'd actually rather watch Plan 9 than Hotel. Yes, you read that right: I've actually found a movie worse than Ed Wood's sci-fi debacle.

So, good readers, consider yourself warned. Avoid Hotel, avoid it at all costs. The sanity you save may be your own.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go look at something that makes more sense. Hopefully that will wash the memory of Hotel from my consciousness.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I concur with Drek, and make a sincere plea. PLEASE do not watch this movie. Both of us lost two hours of our lives watching that, to be honest, drek.
-D's SGf

Monday, November 14, 2005 10:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the warning, because you know, I heard so much buzz that this was the best movie ever.

Where do you two even hear about these movies?

On a less sarcastic note, I think our old friend's poetry is getting better, or his visions are getting worse. Either way this one was more entertaining than most. Except for the "lousy lover" one, that was an instant classic.

~FHRM

Monday, November 14, 2005 2:07:00 PM  

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