An open letter to the global community.
Hi. It's me, the United States. How are you? Have you seen any interesting movies lately? Probably. I make about a gazillion of them a year. Is there anything new with you?
I'm doing okay. I feel a little ill- mostly because I caught a dose of the clap. I'm receiving treatment though, and I'm hoping to get better. Work has been tough lately. I thought this whole "war on terror" thing would be a real lark, but it's turned into a total drag. I guess I just didn't think things through well enough. That's always been my problem. Forethought isn't really my strong suit, I guess.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something in particular. I know that we've been having problems lately- you've been mad at me for being a big, blundering dumbass. That's hurt me, I'll admit it. It's not my fault that I'm so large, I'm just big-boned. I'm so strong, it's just tough not to smash things by accident. I sometimes feel like Lennie. So, I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry. I've been trying to do better, which is what makes this so hard for me.
Look, I'm sorry about that whole "missile attack on a rural village" thing. I know I didn't actually accomplish what I meant to, and I violated the territory of a soverign nation, and I accidentally blew up one or two dozen civilians, but I didn't mean to. It's just, Israel used missiles to take out that dangerous guy in the wheelchair so I just thought.... well.... I mean, a village is so much easier to hit! I guess I made a mistake. But, really, it isn't my fault! You are always telling me to listen to you and then, when I do follow your example, this happens! I think you need to be a little more humble, okay?
Anyway, I hope you're okay. Sorry about the mess. Really.
The United States of America
P.S: I'm baking you a fruitcake. Just my way of saying, "sorry." I hope you like it.