Having returned I am now confronted with the inevitable result of a long absence: a thick wad of mail from the post office. In this wad of correspondence, which arrived yesterday wrapped in an industrial-grade rubber band, I found a letter from the Democratic National Committee. This letter, as you might guess, was basically a fund raising effort. Now, I voted Democrat in the last presidential election and, frankly, I'm proud of that. Moreover, I gave the DNC money, which is why they're after me now. Unfortunately, however, the DNC has a tendency to do stupid things that make it difficult for me and, I presume, other Americans to take them seriously. I've remarked on this tendency before, and it hasn't grown any more charming in the interim. As absurd as the last DNC mailing was, though, I'm afraid they've come up with something dumber. To what do I refer? Well, I have two words for you: membership cards. I've included a scan below for your gratification.
Of course, the scan is somewhat truncated, but that's both because of my laziness with a scanner, and the fact that they embossed my name right on the front. Yay.
So what's so ridiculous about this? Well, mostly just that there's no point to this card. It doesn't win me admission to super-secret Democratic Party events, it doesn't get me discounts on selected merchandise, and it doesn't entitle me to valuable services. All this card really does is take up a slot in my wallet. That, however, isn't what gets me. What gets me is the print on the back of the card:
For those of you with poor vision, like me, it reads:
This membership card identifies you as a Contributing Member of the Democratic National Committee. Your contributions support Democratic candidates across the country while helping the Democratic Party fight the conservative Republican agenda. Should your card be lost or stolen, please contact us at (202) 863-8000.
If you've missed my point, let me emphasize one sentence: Should your card be lost or stolen, please contact us at (202) 863-8000.
This inspires the question: why? Why on earth would it matter if my card was lost or, god forbid, stolen? Would unscrupulous indivduals use my card to not get into special events and not get discounts on fabulous merchandise? I mean, how could I live my life without a card (that they want me to sign no less) that has no meaningful impact on any part of my existence? It boggles the mind, but I daresay I could survive while bereft of a piece of plastic that lacks any discernible function whatsoever. In fact, I'm fairly certain that I successfully live my daily life without possessing any of a virtually infinite number of other useless pieces of plastic. Imagine that!
Seriously, folks, I appreciate the desire to forge a sense of identity, but can you please remember that your constituents aren't (for the most part, there are always exceptions) utter morons? Otherwise... well... I think we're going to have a new target for the Cock of Justice.