Total Drek

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

An open letter to the Kenmore corporation

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing to make several small suggestions for your review. I recently received one of your automatic coffee makers from my dear sister as a gift. I have, for the most part, been quite pleased with this device. It does brew excellent coffee, as the manual claims, and the additional steep time for batches of coffee 4 cups or less does seem to make a difference. I have been so pleased with the quality of the coffee issuing forth from this device that I have discontinued my previous habit of having my morning coffee in the office, and instead have begun to drink it at home before going in. Additionally, the inclusion of a reusable filter, while complicating cleanup and maintenance, is impressively environmentally friendly. In short: huzzah.

In particular, however, I would like to commend you on your extremely intelligent, and sophisticated, timer technology. I was thrilled to discover that this coffee maker came with a clock, and a device that can activate the brewing process at a pre-set time. This is highly useful to me as I have taken to working out during the morning. The ability to pre-set the brewing of coffee is of great utility to me, so that when I emerge from the shower after my exertions, I find that warm, dark, elixir of life standing ready.

What I did not realize, however, is that the timing technology also includes certain discretionary capabilities. I have noticed, for example, that the timer, rather than activating the brew cycle, occasionally simply switches off the coffee maker entirely. This is doubtless a safety feature designed to prevent me from ingesting too much caffeine. It may, additionally, be a feature designed to encourage my spiritual development by allowing me to experience absence, and in so doing, appreciate presence all the more. It is no small feat to integrate Buddhist wisdom into a consumer appliance! To date, I must confess, I have not taken full advantage of these features- usually I have just activated the brew cycle manually- but it was highly thoughtful of you to include them.

It was only today that I realized that my coffee maker has additional unexpected features as well! I was delighted today to notice that, rather than shutting off before brewing, my coffee maker deactivated itself after only half-finishing the job. Even the warming plate shut itself down. How considerate! Clearly, this behavior can only have been intended to show me the virtues of delicious iced coffee drinks. Alas, there were two problems with this feature that you may wish to correct. First, there is an enormous difference between "iced" and "room temperature." Second, iced coffee is to tepid coffee what champagne is to bat piss.

I appreciate the innovative nature of Kenmore products, and would like to suggest some additional features for your customers to enjoy:

-A speaker that emits a constant sound while the coffee maker is active, perhaps the sound of an engine grinding at 300 decibels or two balloons rubbing together, to warn children away from the hot device. This would be especially useful for people who set their coffee makers to brew their beverage of choice before they awaken in the morning. We would not want someone who has recently awakened to touch the hot plate in the mistaken belief that it was cold, would we?

-A dispenser that randomly dissolves a psychedelic drug or, more interestingly, a mild toxin, into the coffee. The consumer would, therefore, not know if the result of their morning ritual would be an increase in their level of awareness, hallucinations, or even nausea and/or death. You could call it "Kenmore Roulette." This would be a particularly easy feature to include given that your product apparently already includes a random number generator to control the timer's "advanced features."

-A coffee maker that automatically sets its time to the Greenwich meridian and cannot be changed by the user. I believe that having to mentally translate to my own timezone would both make the user more aware of foreign cultures, and encourage basic mathematical competence.

-A coffee maker with an enlarged readout so that both the time, and an assortment of banner ads, can be displayed simultaneously. Nothing pleases me more in the morning that wondering if my penis is adequately large, and I'm sure women feel similarly about their breasts!

-The installation of an electrode into the decanter such that anyone grasping it will receive a harmless, but painful, electric shock. This will help discourage over-dependence on caffeine. Some might argue that this could be dangerous to those with poor cardiac health but, really, should they be drinking coffee in the first place?

I hope you find some of these suggestions helpful, and ask that you do not hold me liable for any of them.

Sincerely,

Drek the Uninteresting

P.S: Also, if you get around to it, could you please make the decanters out of a stronger material? My Sainted Girlfriend, using her caffeine-enhanced might, has managed to break two already and I expect the third's days are numbered.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Drek, I enjoyed your thrill with the genuine Kenmore coffeemaker.But, you completely failed to mention my genuine Kenmore, pump eating,washing machine. The first pump lasted nearly a year, so was under warrenty. The next pump we fed it, lasted nearly a year, and I'm told that I should have purchased an extended warrenty, at only $191 dollars a year. See, dummy, why buy a cheap coffee maker, when I can afford to give you this washer for free. Trust me, you can't afford it. I.M. Screwwed

Thursday, November 30, 2006 10:48:00 AM  

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