Total Drek

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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The full-service savior.

Recently I received a rather amusing e-mail. This e-mail was, believe it or not, from none other than the prince of princes. The one, the only, the messiah: Jesus!

No, seriously, the name on the e-mail address was "Jesus." Specifically, "Jesuscouncilman," so I suppose we have to assume that the Christ has converted heaven* into some sort of bureaucracy. Even Jesus, I suppose, has to put a cover sheet on his TPS reports.

Anyway, while I'm not what you might call a devout Christian, I'm smart enough to figure that any message from the son of god is probably worth a moment or two. My faith was only reinforced when I read the subject line:

Make your girlfriend or wife speechless with increased hardness, richer orgsms and more power in bed!

So, apparently, Jesus is not only concerned about my sex life- he's so concerned he's forgotten my marital status, as well as the proper spelling for "orgasm." Wow!

Needless to say I immediately checked the contents of this important communique from the lord:


Enhanced male power and unlimited prowess with your girl The best products for the winning guys.

Achieve astounding results in bed with these products designed to make any man a winner!

When man done suck cane he dash peeling pan ground. No man is wise at all times A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit

A stitch in time saves nine . April is the cruellest month.

To this I can only respond as follows:

(1) I'm pleased to hear that there's a way to obtain unlimited sexual power, but why must it be limited to the "winning guys?" Isn't that contrary to the whole, "The meek shall inherit the Earth," thing?

(2) Whoops! My bad. Looks like these products can make any man a "winner." Do you need to use the products to make you a winner before the products to achieve unlimited power. Come to think of it- if I end up with unlimited power in bed, does that make me some sort of a mattress-deity? Heh! Better tell your dad not to mess with me and my Serta!

(3) You're so right, Jesus. I can't think of the number of times when, after having sucked cane, I've dashed peeling pan ground. You're so wise.

(4) I agree that a happy heart does make the face cheerful, and that heartache crushes the spirit, but aren't those more or less definitional? I mean- if a happy heart made people frown, wouldn't we say that a frown was cheerful?

(5) Wow! Jesus is quoting Ben Franklin! That must mean that Franklin was, like, a genius!

Who knew I could obtain such deep theological insights from spam?

And who knew that instead of writing a decent post when running late, I'd just mine my spam for cheap humor?**

* This, apparently, is what heaven looks like according to Google images.

** Okay, seriously, put your hands down. I know I'm predictable, so just ease up off my back about it.


Blogger TDEC said...

You need to give Jesus a break, man. Otherwise you and the other atheists will never make it to heaven.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger Drek said...

Hey, who is being hard on Jesus? I'm impressed the dude has my back so thoroughly! How many saviors make sure you've got enough starch in your shorts, after all?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 3:01:00 PM  

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