A very special message from my home state.
In any case, since my initial registration to vote I have never bothered to change my party affiliation. This is partly because I am, to put it blunty, a lazy fuck and partly because from time to time the Florida Republicans are a better bet than the Florida Democrats. This is, of course, a little bit like saying that herpes is preferrable to ebola but that's not the point. Regardless, because my party affiliation remains Republican I, like Ken Houghton did before me, occasionally receive brief communiques from the Republican National Committee. Just yesterday I received one such message that, frankly, I feel compelled to share. It includes a letter from Jeb Bush, the current governor of Florida* and a man who is being positioned to follow his father and his brother into the White House. This letter is simply too "good" to miss and so I include the text below with my own special additions. Some are even marked in bold and/or in [brackets]. I also included a scan of the letter for good measure. Yippee.** If you look at the scan, pay special attention to the little boy running along a beach holding a flag like a cape. What the hell is that even about? Anyway, let's begin.
Dear Fellow Republican,
It has been my distinct honor to serve as your Governor for the past eight years. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.
Jeb, I know all the cool kids are doing it but, really, it isn't grammatical to begin a sentence with "and" or "but." I know I do that sometimes but I'm a goddamn blogger. YOU are Governor of a sovereign (sort of) state.
You have stood by me as we have faced tremendous challenges together. After a tough election loss in 1994, we came back with a sense of purpose and won a resounding victory in 1998. In the 2000 election we worked together again and witnessed the power of just one vote as Florida decided the presidential election by a mere 537 votes.
Yes, thank you for that. Four years of, "What the hell is wrong with your state?!" commentary. That was just awesome.
After the September 11, 2001 attack on our nation we saw a renewal of patriotism*** and Americans took pride in defending our homeland. Then, the hurricanes of the past two years tested our mettle, but we endured and grew stronger as a result.
Through it all, we remained focused on the job at hand. With your help we rescued our schools from mediocrity, expanded our economy, created jobs, protected our beaches and Everglades, cut taxes and controlled government spending.
Jeb, Jeb, Jeb: You do understand that "protecting" the Everglades does not mean, "Sold off vast chunks for use as sugar plantations," right?
But there is still so much left to do. We must remain committed to improving our schools by setting high standards and measuring results. [Okay, seriously, are you actually this dumb? Do you think we're this dumb? Improving schools isn't about setting standards and testing so much as it is about what happens in between those two things. Look, I can go into my classroom and I can set high standards and then test to see if those standards are being met but do you know what happens in-between? TEACHING you half-witted jackass! Maybe you should focus a little effort on giving teachers the resources they need to, you know, TEACH.] We must not let liberal politicians raise taxes or allow government spending to spiral out of control. And we must respect life and promote an environment that is friendly to Florida's families. [Just so long as they're limited to one man and one woman with children, right Jeb? Goodness knows we wouldn't want to be friendly to all of them single mothers and homosexuals, or nothin.]
Now, it is time for me to "pass the torch" and in less than 60 days you will decide whether the progress we have made over the past eight years will continue... or not. [Way to finish that sentence, Jeb. Really powerful... or not.]
I hope you will stand by our Republican candidates the same way you have stood by me and cast your vote for our Republican candidates for Governor, U.S. Senate, Congress, the Cabinet, the Florida legislature, and local offices.
I am confident the Republicans we have running for office in this election are committed conservatives you and I can trust. I am also confident the liberals on the other side will do all they can to dismantle the progress we have made if they are elected. [Jesus titty-fucking Christ, I hope so!]
Our Republican candidates need your vote. [Yeah, and kids need an education budget. I'll cough up when you do.] I urge you to use the form below to request a Mail Ballot [Oh, I will, rest assured.] to cast your vote and vote Republican from top to bottom.
Your right to vote is the very foundation of our freedom. [What, but not the freedom of speech, assembly, and religion? Those are optional or something? Fuck you and the Patriot Act you rode in on!] Please use the attached Vote by Mail Request Form- sign it, enter your date of birth, and mail it today- and make sure your voice is heard in this important election.
Eight years of progress can be erased if a handful of citizens do not vote. Don't let that happen in 2006. Act today and Vote by Mail!
I guess all I can say is, thanks, Jeb! I'll be sure and get that absentee ballot. Maybe then I can help vote all of your jackass colleagues out of office before they ruin the state, and the nation, that I love.
* Or, as I like to call him, "That suicidally-stupid, corrupt, carpet-bagging motherfucker from a state where hat size determines your fitness to hold high office."
** Some of you might be thinking, "Wow is this childish." To which I can only respond, "Yes. Yes it is." From time to time I DO engage in reasoned political analysis but this is not one of those times.
*** As a side note, I don't hate patriotism, but the current batch of Republicans wouldn't know patriotism if it were sitting on their faces. A true patriot doesn't defend her country by mutilating its most sacred institutions and freedoms.