Fear the TIME CUBE!!
And then came the TIME CUBE. Now, this is a website, true, and so resembles the usual brand of weirdness people send me. I had high hopes of using it to write another installment of the Insanity Parade. Instead, ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that I have to concede that this site is so over-the-top crazy that there is absolutely no way it could be featured in that laudable series. You see, a parade is at least an organized march from one point to another. It may involve a lot of strangeness and chaos but, at the end of the day, it goes somewhere. The TIME CUBE, on the other hand, is so utterly bewildering that it doesn't reach the level of "parade" and, instead, at best achieves, "drunken stagger" or perhaps, "zombie-like shamble."
Don't believe me? Well, then read this excerpt**** from the TIME CUBE website:
Gene Ray, Cubic and Wise Above Gods
Cubicism, Not group theory. If ignorant of the almighty Time Cube Creation Truth, you deserve to be killed. Killing you is not immoral - but justified to save life on Earth for future generations. Academic taught singularity within universe of opposites, has lobotomized your mind. You are Enslaved by Word - no whip or shackle required. You do not have the freedom to discuss/debate Time Cube.
Shazaam! Please, Gene Ray "Cubic and Wise Above Gods," tell me more about the TIME CUBE!
Academia destroys your mind by suppressing opposite view. God equals self masturbation of mind - for opposites create. You are educated singularities.
YOU DESERVE DEATH - FOR SINGULARITY EVIL in the Universe of Opposites.
Okay: god=masturbation, education about singularities=death, singularity=evil, war=peace, ignorance=strength. Right, okay, I think I'm with you...
Santa & God debase women as if non-existing opposites. How evil unto their mothers.
Wait, hang on, what about Santa Claus now? Do he and god team up and go harass women or something? Because I hear Jehovah can get a little out of control sometimes.
Ignorant of Nature's Harmonic 4 Day Time Cube Creation, the Americans are Dumb, Educated Singularity Stupid and Evil. It's not immoral to kill Americans who IGNORE their OPPOSITE sex parents who Created them, but instead worship a queer jew who claims to make people out of dirt - when the body is 90 percent water. A God so stupid that he claims only a single day rotation of Earth - while my Cubic Wisdom has allowed me to create 4 simultaneous days within a single Earth rotation. Americans do not deserve life. They live only for today, the evil singularity word bastards.
DOG BRAIN STUDENTS
Yeah, okay, but what the hell is your great discovery? Can you at least tell me why I'm stupid and deserve death?
For as long as you dumbass, educated stupid and evil bastards IGNORE Cubic Creation, your sons and daughters deserve to die and be maimed in foreign lands - while killing innocent women and children. Keep ignoring me you evil asses and observe the slaughter of your children protecting the oil barons ripping off their families back home. The enemy is back home, not in foreign lands. Ignore me & keep counting the dead sons.
Dude! I'm not ignoring you! I'm right here! What are you talking about?
The educated stupid should acknowledge the natural antipodes of +1 x +1 = +1 and -1 x -1 = -1 exist as plus and minus values of opposite creation - depicted by opposite sexes and opposite hemispheres. Entity is death worship - for it cancels opposites.
Ummmm... math doesn't really work that way...
I do love that whole "educated stupid" thing, though. I'm fairly sure I have a few of those in my class this semester. Heh.
Hey, I think the thesis***** is coming up:
4 Day Cube disproves 1 Day God.
1-Midday to midday = a 24 hour day rotation.
2-Sundown to sundown = a 24 hour day rotation.
3-Midnight to midnight = a 24 hour day rotation.
4-Sunup to sunup = a 24 hour day rotation.
Wait... that's your revelation? And because you defined four "days" into existence you're superior to everyone else who just has one day per rotation? Well, hell, buddy: I've just discovered 24 equidistant points on the Earth that each rotate through a full day during just ONE rotation of the earth! That's six times as many days as your shitty little cubic theory! All hail Drek the Uninteresting, Multidimensional and Wisest Man! If you do not accept 24-day in day theory you deserve to be pecked to death by budgies with herpes! Only stupid dumb ass Gene Ray could ignore 24-day in day theory genius wonder. Best wisest creation of man.
Okay, sorry, all joking aside, this site is so crazy even I can't manage to read through it in total. Further, it's obvious that I can't really "analyze" or "critique" this in a traditional sense. What to do?
Well, as it happens, I have an answer. In keeping with the finest traditions of Total Drek, if I find it impossible to present a legitimate factual critique because the subject matter is so unimaginably crazy, I will do the next best thing: invent a drinking game.
The TIME CUBE Drinking Game!
Get your favorite liquor together and just follow these simple rules:
(1) When Gene Ray refers to himself as wisest or "doctor" do a shot.
(2) When he says someone deserves death, do a shot. If he just wants them to be maimed or otherwise harmed in some way short of death do half a shot.
(3) When he refers to academia do two shots.
(4) When he refers to Santa the youngest player has to do a shot.
(5) Every third time the text changes color do a shot.
(6) Every time he writes "+1 x +1 = +1" do three shots.
(7) Every time he writes "-1 x -1 = -1" do two empty shots, then one full shot, feel guilty for forgetting that, in TIME CUBE, negative one times negative one does not equal positive one.
(8) Every time you encounter the word "harmonic" all players must do a shot.
(9) Every time he talks about hemispheres or opposites, any two players who are facing each other have to do a shot.
(10) Every time you see the word cubic grab your nose: the last four people to do so must do a shot.
(11) If the TIME CUBE begins to make sense, the game is over: alcohol poisoning is imminent.
Sounds like fun, no?
Good luck, enjoy yourselves, and remember:
Any negative consequences of participating in this game are strictly the responsibility of the player. Seriously, if you get your drinking games from a blog, you really need to think about your decision making skills.
UPDATE: Check out this detailed explanation of the Time Cube and see if you're convinced. I know one of the commenters is!
* I have never been more conscious that "crazier" is indeed a relative, not an absolute, term.
** I've also seen much of the horror available on the internet, including such relatively innocuous images as "goatse.cx" and "tubgirl."***
*** If you don't know, don't ask. You'll lead a happier life.
**** Please be advised that I have removed the brain-searing color changes of the original site.
***** Keeping in mind both that I use the term "thesis" only in the loosest possible sense and that I've dramatically condensed the "prelude" to his thesis in order to save time and preserve your sanity.