Total Drek

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

A Total Drek Exclusive...

Specially trained genetically engineered rastafarian ninjas* in the employ of Total Drek recently infiltrated our local Human Subjects Committee offices and returned with that most secret of documents: the research project preliminary review sheet. Finally, for the first time, we in the sciences can see the set of standards used to evaluate the appropriateness of our research. Please enjoy!


Human Subjects Committee Preliminary Review Sheet

Use the following checklist to determine if a research project is in need of review. Any project that accumulates 25 or more points should be reviewed by the full committee and a project accumulating 50 or more points should be summarily rejected.

(1) Does the project involve deception? (5 points)

(2) Does the project involve radiation? (10 points) If so, what kind:
(a) Alpha
(b) Beta
(c) Gamma
(d) Adaptive

(3) Does the project involve vulnerable populations? (10 points) If so, which:
(a) Children
(b) Prisoners
(c) Native populations
(d) Members of any ethnic community (e.g. black, Asian, Irish, etc.)
(e) Goats
(f) Other kinds of human

(4) Does the project involve shooting infectious substances into them? (20 points)

(5) Does the project involve a survey? (5 points)

(6) Does the survey ask questions about income, marital status or political affiliation? (15 points)

(7) Does the survey ask about gender orientation, sexual orientation, sexual habits, drug use, or criminal offending (i.e. almost everything that's interesting)? (30 points)

(8) Does the survey have margins that are not 1.5"? (10 points)

(9) Does the survey promise a reward for participation? (20 points)

(10) Does the survey promise compensation for participation? (10 points)

(11) Is the survey written in human blood? (2 points)

(12) Does the survey include questions about other people? (10 points)

(13) Does the survey fail to obtain consent from the other people the respondent is answering questions about? (15 points)

(13) Is the project an experiment? (5 points)

(14) Does the experiment involve electrical shocks? (15 points)

(15) Does the experiment involve enforced confinement? (20 points)

(16) Does the experiment involve a manipulation of some kind? (15 points)

(17) Does the experiment involve a room with chairs, a table, and some kind of writing implement? Or maybe a potted plant? (10 points)

(18) Is it Monday? (30 points)

(19) Is the research archival? (1 point)

(20) Do the archives contain data on anyone who is still alive? (15 points)

(21) Do the archives contain data on anyone who has descendants who are currently alive? (20 points)

(22) Do the archives contain data on government officials? (5 points)

(23) Do the archives contain data on government officials who are still in office? (15 points)

(24) Do the archives contain data on government officials who are partly or wholly responsible for the university budget? (45 points)

(25) Does the researcher's name sound foreign? (35 points)

(26) Is the research funded by the National Science Foundation? (10 points)

(27) Is the research funded by a drug company? (5 points)

(28) Does the research involve prayer or something else that's likely to get us mentioned in Newsweek? (-5 points)

(29) Is the research likely to benefit mankind? (10 points)

(30) Is the research so abstract that it is unlikely to ever impact anyone ever- infact, hell, it barely even requires human participation at all? (2 points)

(31) Does the researcher's first name have more than two vowels? (15 points)

(32) Is the researcher a graduate student? (20 points)

(33) Does the research involve passively watching people in a public place? (30 points)

(34) Does the research involve passively watching people in a semi-public place? (35 points)

(35) Does the research involve passively watching people in a private place? (40 points)

(36) Is it not so much "research" as "stalking your attractive neighbor with a high-powered camera"? (50 points)

(37) Can we get copies of the pictures? (-40 points)

(38) Does the research involve a group that has ever sued any researchers ever for some kind of research related transgression no matter how unrelated to the current project? (49 points)

(39) Will the data be stored in a secure location? (10 points)

(40) Will the data be stripped of all identifying information such that nobody could ever be harmed by it ever? (10 points)


* I'm pretty sure if you had a rastafarian ninja it would look something like this.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Practicing Idealist said...

Nice! There's very little else left to say.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007 10:52:00 AM  

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