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Friday, September 14, 2007

Classroom management at its finest.

Folks who keep an eye on the deplorable Fox News may be aware that the U.S. is working on a new super weapon for dealing with demonstrators.* Leaving such technologies as tear gas and rubber bullets in the past, the U.S. will soon have access to a weapon that might well be dubbed the "Barfinator." I refer to a new device that uses rapid pulses of light on cycling frequencies to disorient and nauseate the targets. Obviously, if you can't stop vomiting and you can't keep your balance you're going to have a tough time protesting. Check out this sinister new weapon:



Okay, well, "sinister" may not actually be the correct term. Really, I think we may as well just call this thing the "Dorklight" and be done with it. Nevertheless, a working prototype apparently exists and it seems to be pretty effective:

"There's one wavelength that gets everybody," says IOS President Bob Lieberman. "Vlad [IOS top scientist Vladimir Rubtsov] calls it 'the evil color.'"


Now, I don't have a whole lot to say about this gadget. I don't know that I love the idea of a device that can incapacitate a large group of people so easily but, really, tear gas does that already. Moreover, I suspect that the "collateral damage" of this device will be less severe than with tear gas, and it will probably be easier to defeat. Hell, a good pair of polarizing sunglasses will probably do the trick. So, I don't think this development spells the end of social movements and protest marches the world over.

No, my reaction to this news is pretty straightforward: when will pocket models be available for sale? I mean, really, this thing strikes me as the best classroom management tool ever. Students being unruly? Did they not do their homework? Is nobody willing to talk? Just give them a quick flash of the dorklight and watch them fall all over each other to participate. Students being physically threatening? Dorklight. Students cheating? Dorklight. Cell phones ringing during lecture? Dorklight. Student just kind of pissing you off by grimacing through class? Dorklight. It's an incredibly versatile solution. And, best of all, students who are sleeping in class and not bugging you anyway will be completely unaffected.

Cruel? Perhaps. But, then again, since some folks are considering making their students wear Hello Kitty armbands as punishment for infractions, I don't feel too guilty. Either way there will be vomiting, but at least the Dorklight can be shut off quickly.

It's a great day for education!


* i.e. individuals who don't realize that the founding fathers were just kidding about that whole "right to assemble and petition the government for a redress of grievances" thing. Noobs.

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1 Comments:

Blogger S.S.Stone said...

A little something for you to post if you'd like...it's pretty cool!
I didn't know how to send this without the http where you could just click on it...not techy here.



http://www.dylanmessaging.com/messages/9TLS-0GZU-72H6-Q3UQ-NHG3?commentor-name=Sarah&commentor-email=sarahameliastone%40gmail.com

Monday, September 17, 2007 6:53:00 AM  

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