A Public Service Message from Hell.

Regular readers of the blog are aware that I got married this year. This is, of course, a horrifying development for all those who are hoping I never breed but there you have it. What many of you may not realize, however, is that when we got married my wife and I were also given some advice. I don't mean advice from my uncle Lester, I mean advice from the great state of California. This advice was given to us in the form of a handy little booklet that came tucked in with our marriage license:



This is, of course, a booklet* meant to inform us of some basic health information about AIDS testing, nutrition, domestic violence, and so forth. It's a good idea but, unfortunately, is executed horribly- particularly given that the illustrations look like they were provided by a team of deranged elementary schoolers. As a result, when I look at certain pages my interpretations are a little different from what the text would suggest. So, to entertain you and provide a little insight into my bizarre mental state, please enjoy this selection of pages from the booklet with minor modifications of my own.

To start with, the book gives us some advice on choosing our partners:



Definitely sound advice right from the start. Then, the book provides some suggestions about what should be done when you start trying to have children. I'm sure the mothers out there who read my blog will agree whole-heartedly with this advice:



Then we get some useful nutritional advice:



A page or two providing advice from the Corrino dynasty:**



And finally, people, if you learn nothing else from today's exercise, at least learn this:



And with that, I bid you all a fond farewell. My wife and I are leaving on a trip and will be back... sometime. And when that sometime comes, regular blogging will resume. Until then, just try and make do with the rest of the internets. I'm sure you'll find something to do. I mean, hey, I hear they have porn now!

Seriously, I'll be back soon.


* Honestly, my favorite part is the asterisk that informs the reader that the booklet used to be titled "If there are children in your future." I mean, hell, are there that many people who will read this and say, "Damn, I thought it sounded familiar!"

** No idea what the joke is here? Well, read over this and see if you can figure it out but, really, you're either gonna laugh at this or you're not.