Satire or Scary? You MAKE THE CALL!
I first want to say I’m a really big fan of your work on ChristWire and really enjoy your insight into our world’s pressing issues. The question I have for you today is really embarrassing, but I hope that by asking it here I can help other parents out there too.
Some time ago my daughter forgot to take her laundry from the dryer before taking off for volleyball practice, so I folded them up and went to put them up for her in room.
When I reached in her undergarment drawer and I will be frank, my heart dropped as I found one of those electronic phallic objects in it. They are used to ‘M’ and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I thought to ask my husband, but didn’t want him to have to go through the embarrassment and anguish of such things. I instead asked several of my close girlfriends, some of who are not Christians, and some of them said this was a normal part of a healthy teen’s lifestyle.
The night I decided to talk to my daughter about all this, I heard well…I heard reason to not go in the room. I believe she was using the device then. Is this really alright behavior for a good girl or do I need to confront her? Please help!
- Concerned in San Diego
Dear Concerned in San Diego,
You need to immediately take that sinful device from your daughter. Masturbation is another form of pornography that will infest your daughter’s mind and serve as a gateway to far worse sexual activities.
Studies show that 87% of the women who become prostitutes did so because of unbridled masturbation as a teenager, and over 90% of girls who become pregnant as teenagers did so because of masturbation loosened their morals and made them more apt to engage in unprotected fornication.
Masturbation will make your daughter very comfortable exploring her body, and it will not be long until she begins to envision other people partaking in the deviant behavior with her.
This will of course lead to your daughter seeking out a male companion, or even female. As a teenager, your daughter’s mind is not yet developed enough to handle the pressures and responsibilities of being sexually active. It will lead to great sorrow in her life if you don’t put a stop to it right now.
So first, have a talk with your daughter and pray with her. Pray all that sinful desire of masturbation right out of her heart. Throw the device away, and then enroll her in some abstinence counseling sessions. These will teach your daughter the value and need of respecting her body until marriage. Masturbation is very unnatural and by taking proactive steps to get this bizarre behavior out of your teen’s life, you’ll ensure she has a better future.
So, just to sum up, we have a grown woman who apparently can't bring herself to type the word "masturbate," we have claims that masturbation is a sort of gateway activity to prostitution and pregnancy (backed up by Schlafly Statistics no less), and we have a prescription for quite possibly the most awkward mother-daughter prayer session imaginable.
Not enough for you? Then keep reading:
My family are very devout Christians (I don’t even know if there was a generation of ust that wasn’t) and my father is also a pastor. I recently met a charming boy who I love dearly and in my heart I feel we can really go great places together, he’s wonderful.
The problem is that he is Muslim and my family do have a problem with trust, call them very patriotic. How do I explain to my family that they have to get to know the person and not judge on outside prejudice?
- Wisconsin girl in love
Dear Wisconsin Love,
Your parents love you with all their heart and are looking out for your best interest. Many people do not realize this, but the threat of Homegrown Terrorism is very, very high and every neighborhood may have an American jihadist traitor lurking about.
Jihad USA: Confronting the threat of homegrown terror is an excellent piece that will open your eyes against this very serious threat to America and potentially to your life.
Imagine the sorrow in your parents hearts if this young man is one of the hundreds of millions of Muslims who could potentially be working with homegrown terrorists, and he did something to harm you. Would that not be a cruel fate to place on your parents?
That is their concern, Wisconsin Girl. When you’re young it’s really easy to want to combat your parents and not take their word to heart. But know they are always looking out for your best interests and something in their guts is telling them, “no, no, no”.
So talk to them more about their views on terrorists in America and ask the young man about it too. If he becomes upset with you asking and gets offended, run! He may be guilty. Your parents love you and someone else does too, Wisconsin Girl.
Right. So. A good Christian girl shouldn't date a muslim not because he's a muslim but because muslim=terrorist. And if he gets upset at that equation, then he must be guilty. QED, bitches!
Now, at first I was horrified by Christwire. Then, however, I started snooping. The site is ostensibly run by one Jack Gould, who claims to be the Youth Pastor at "Langley CC". If we assume that "CC" stands for "Christian Church" we can perform a google search, but the results are... inconclusive. I can't find a likely looking Jack Gould who isn't referenced solely on Christwire and the link on the first page of results for "Langley Christian Church" is more than a little... suspicious. Additionally, the site includes such fascinating articles as Blue ducks are gay! They face species extinction!* and Canada has an amateur army. That last one is by our beloved Amber and is predictably special:
Time and time again America has made the allied armies of every other nation on Earth look silly in comparison. Let’s take a good lesson from our aforementioned World War 2.
The Great War is surely one of the best examples of what happens in a world without an American military presence. It all started when the NAZIs and their blood-thirsty Chinese allies had just about conquered the Earth, from Russia to England, in under a year.
As France and an all but conquered Britain lay prostrate before the NAZIs in the West, the communist Soviets were one horseback and trying to defeat the Sino-NAZI alliance with rocks and potatoes, as they had run out of bullets.
Countries are now so delusional they think sending 20 soldiers and $1,000 of their fake money to a war effort — like the war on terror — is a real contribution. They think by sending their little trained farmers out with our soldiers, they are actively contributing to bringing peace and freedom.
The fact of the matter is that by not calling out these weak countries: Canada, Britain, France, Australia and everyone else in the U.N. that’s not America, we’re creating a dangerous environment. Without American, the U.N. is powerless.
Riiiiight. Now, on the one hand my experience with Conservapedia makes me all too aware that this level of craziness is, in fact, possible. On the other hand, Christwire is just a wee bit too over-the-top for me to quite believe. And so, good readers, I'm going to go out on a limb, refer to Christwire as brilliant satire, and invite you all to laugh along with me.
Unless it turns out they're serious, in which case we're all doomed.
* As a side note, he blue ducks are not facing extinction, but may die out in the U.K. Here's the original story from the Telegraph.