Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

This way to the egress.

For many of us in the northern hemisphere, it's been a long and grim winter. Spring is approaching, or already here, and that means we're getting ready to shed our sweaters and coats and return to shorts and short-sleeved shirts. For those of us in the northern hemisphere who happen to be of paler complexions, this means that we're about to expose that pasty skin we've been developing for months on end. Oh noes! Whatever shall we do to prepare for bikini season?*

Well, if you work in an office, I really have the solution for you:** Computertan.com.

Only at computertan.com can you use an exclusive piece of software to convert your very own LCD monitor into a low-power tanning panel. That's right! You can sit at your computer for ten minutes a day and develop a lovely cooked turkey skin tone on a strictly limited portion of your body. Seriously, I took a screenshot:



I particularly enjoy the "mobile app" they advertise so that you can use your iphone as some sort of freakish tanning implement. I can't seem to figure out how much this service costs- not without, at the least, using their "free session"- but what I find amusing is that you apparently don't buy the software. Instead, you effectively buy time and they send your monitor the necessary commands remotely. So, in essence, you're tanning with equipment you own and are just paying them for the privilege of ramping your monitor up to what I feel confident are performance specifications not intended by the manufacturer.

Does this technology work? Well, no. It is in fact a hoax perpetrated by skcin, a skin cancer charity in the UK. It's a brilliant hoax, though, and you should take the free trial through computertan.com to see just how brilliant.

Who says the internet never produced anything good?***


* I often hear "bikini season" referred to in commercials and I know what they mean is "the season when you will wear a bikini." Obviously they hope the reminder will encourage the consumption of all sorts of products meant to prepare you to display your body. Nevertheless, I prefer to interpret "bikini season" in much the same sense as "duck season." Teams of quiet hunters waiting in blinds for unwary, wild bikinis to emerge from the brush. Sighting down the barrel, the shock of recognition, and BLAM! Two or three bikinis lay dead on the ground, ready to be tied to car fenders are driven to market. Good times.

** That is, if you're also somewhat gullible.

*** Well, if you're a big fan of porn, you've probably believed in the bounty of the internet for a long time now.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Ted Herrlich said...

I like the title of this piece. PT Barnum would be proud.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Marf said...

Once I saw "convert your very own LCD monitor into a low-power tanning panel" I knew it was a joke.

A fairly old one at that... Monitors are not capable of giving you a tan, no matter what software you might have.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger ΕΡΜΕΣ said...

that's pretty good! i remember like 15 years ago there was a similar joke/hoax that your monitor could function like a camera by bouncing photons off your face.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 7:18:00 PM  

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