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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Oh, great, they're taking it on the road.

Followers of this blog are well aware that I keep an eye on that cesspool of human illogic known as Conservapedia. Normally, I find them to be depressing and annoying but relatively harmless. Occasionally, I've managed to provoke them into action- including my recent banning and one exciting day when I managed to lure Andrew Schlafly himself out of the bat cave- but by and large they seem content to languish in their self-imposed ghetto. Sadly, this no longer appears to be the case.

I recently became aware of a gathering with the unpretentious title, How to Take Back America Conference 09, apparently organized by (among others) Phyllis Schlafly. It's hard to know what to think of this, really, since the last time I checked the U.S. wasn't so much occupied by a hostile power as engaged in legitimate democratic debate. But what the hell do I know? Certainly not as much as the organizers of this conference, who have a fantastic slate of panels lined up. Just for fun, let's take a closer look with a few remarks added:

HOW TO DEAL WITH GLOBAL WARMING, CAP AND TRADE
Gary Palmer, Brooklyn Roberts Chairman: Eunie Smith


Well, first off, they don't believe in global warming, so that's easy. As for the second one... hell, I dunno, move the whole damn company to China?

HOW TO COUNTER THE HOMOSEXUAL EXTREMIST MOVEMENT
Matt Barber, Brian Camenker Chairman: Jayne Schindler


Ah yes, "homosexual extremists." They want crazy, extreme things, like to be able to marry their lifetime partners and to not be stoned while tied to barbed wire. Indeed, truly threats we all need to counter. Right.

HOW TO USE NEW MEDIA TECHNOLOGY
Bloggers: Dana Loesch, Kevin Jackson, Jim Hoft Chairman: Ruth Carlson


"Okay, first, this is a computer. Say it with me: com-pu-ter! Despite what you may have heard, it's perfectly safe to operate."

HOW TO DEFEND AMERICA VS. MISSILE ATTACK
Football Star Riki Ellison, 7-minute video Chairman: Colleen Parro


"Okay, first, get a really big bat. Then just think of the warhead as a fastball and swing for the stands!" On an unrelated note: what the hell does a Football Star know about missile defense? Totally different kinds of "interception", people.

HOW TO STOP THE ENTRY OF ILLEGAL ALIENS AND DRUGS
Kris Kobach, Esq. Chairman: Char Bredemeier


I love that they don't specify what the illegal aliens and drugs are entering. Given the story of Ted Haggard, I don't think they mean "entry into the United States."

HOW TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM OF SUPREMACIST JUDGES
Phillip Jauregui, Esq., Virginia Armstrong Chairman: Andy Schlafly, Esq.


What now? What kind of supremacist? White supremacist? Judicial supremacists? Or do they mean just really, really awesome judges?

HOW TO STOP GOVERNMENT ATTACKS ON PARENTS’ RIGHTS
Sen. Nancy Schaefer, Sen. Pam Roach Chairman: Gayle Ruzicka


Note they aren't concerned with the rights of the child. Congratulations, kids! You're property until you're eighteen!

HOW TO COPE WITH FEMINIST ATTACKS ON MARRIAGE AND MOTHERHOOD: Phyllis Schlafly, Suzanne Venker Chairman: Violet Vestevich


Right, yes, because feminists are never, ever mothers. I knew that.

HOW TO STOP SOCIALISM IN HEALTH CARE
Larry Huntoon M.D., Frank Rosenbloom M.D., Allen Unruh, M.D. Chairman: Andy Schlafly, Esq.


"Step one: Become president. Step two: Stop socialism in health care. Step three: Clear brush from your ranch."

HOW TO DEFEAT ATTACKS ON SOVEREIGNTY BY U.N. TREATIES AND NORTH AMERICAN UNION
Frank Gaffney Chairman: Cathie Adams


Um... what? Opposition to a purely theoretical entity? Hell, can we have a panel on how to defeat attacks by the Death Star next?

HOW TO LOBBY FEDERAL LEGISLATION & POLICY: Frontenac
Colleen Holmes, Suzanne Bibby, Colleen Parro Chairman: Bonnie Nugent


I'm guessing this boils down to, "Hang out on the capital steps and scream 'what about the children' over and over again until CNN shows up."

HOW TO USE THE INTERNET AND NEW MEDIA TO WIN YOUR CAMPAIGN:
Cherilyn Eagar Chairman: Ruth Carlson


Does this have anything to do with the Diebold corporation?

HOW TO DEAL WITH VOTE FRAUD, THE CENSUS, AND ACORN
Kris Kobach Esq., Ed Martin Chairman: Helen Blackwell


I'm guessing the term "poll tax" is gonna come up...

HOW TO STOP ABORTIONS: A NEW APPROACH
DVD: Maafa 21, Janet Porter, Rep. Trent Franks Chairman: Penny Pullen


Don't wanna know. Really, I don't. Between the harassment, threats, and outright killings, I can't imagine what the new approach might be. Unless, you know, they go with honest, reasoned discussion, which would be pretty new for them.

HOW TO LOBBY LEGISLATORS
Janine Hansen, Bobbie Patray, Gayle Ruzicka, Sue Ella Deadwyler Chairman: Carole Griffin


With guest speaker: Michael Duvall!

HOW TO BRING YOUTH INTO THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT
Gary Bosley, Andy Schlafly, Karin Agness Chairman: Orlean Koehle


Because just having lots and lots of babies doesn't seem to be working?

HOW TO DEFEND TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE AND DOMA
Mat Staver, Esq. Chairman: John Schlafly, Esq.


Maybe try realizing that letting homosexuals get married doesn't in any way impact your own commitment to your spouse? Just a thought.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND ISLAM
Frank Gaffney, Bill Federer, Walid Shoebat Chairman: Janet Porter


Does anyone think these folks are at all interested in understanding Islam? I didn't think so.

HOW TO ACTIVATE YOUR CHURCH
Woody Woodrum, Pastor Paul Blair Chairman: Donna Hearne


How to activate your church? What is it, Voltron?

HOW THE MEDIA CAN HELP US TAKE BACK AMERICA
Vic Eliason, Jim Schneider Chairman: Joan Langenberg


We're talking about Fox News right now, right?

HOW CONSERVATIVES CAN WIN IN 2010
Penny Pullen, Sandy McDade, Vicky Hartzler Chairman: Bunny Chambers


Please let the approach not include Sarah Palin.

HOW TO DEFEAT CON CON, NATIONAL POPULAR VOTE, ERA
Janine Hansen, Elise Bouc Chairman: Cindy Honcoop


Worst. Name. Ever.

HOW TO STOP FEMINIST AND GAY ATTACKS ON THE MILITARY
Elaine Donnelly Chairman: Pat Schneider


Really seems like the military should be able to defend itself, you know? Otherwise, what the hell are they doing with all the tanks?

HOW TO RECOGNIZE LIVING UNDER NAZIS & COMMUNISTS
Kitty Werthmann Chairman: Betsy Hagan


I can't imagine how anyone could attend this panel without laughing. Seriously. "Question One: Are you ruled by a man named Stalin? Question Two: Does your leader make constant references to needing lebensraum? Question Three: ..."


And you know what the best part of all this is? The Schlafly family is represented six times among the speakers/panelists, and Andy is up there three times. Well, at least we know the traditional value of nepotism is alive and well!

The convention is over so you can't go (sorry!) but you can get a DVD of the entire conference for the low low price* of only $150.00! Wow!

Operators are standing by, just as soon as they convince themselves that their telephones don't contain evil gay feminist demons.


* Technically, they ask for a "suggested donation" of $150.00. My guess is that the suggestion is pretty firm if you get my meaning.

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4 Comments:

Blogger angela said...

"Okay, first, get a really big bat."

Oh, thank you much for the laugh! I've been buried under a pile of undergrad papers to grade...so clearly this post was the best thing I have read all day

Tuesday, September 29, 2009 10:28:00 AM  
Blogger scripto said...

Andy's a lawyer? Same mail order class as Orly Taitz?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 12:54:00 PM  
Blogger Drek said...

scripto:

Prepare to be horrified. Andy actually has some fairly impressive educational credentials. Specifically, a B.S.E. in Electrical Engineering from Princeton and a JD from Harvard Law. In fact, he graduated magna cum laude from Harvard Law and was a member of the editorial board of the Harvard Law Review. Even more interesting, he served on the board of the HLR at about the same time that President Obama was editor-in-chief of same.

This just goes to show, of course, that impressive educational credentials don't mean that someone isn't an utter lackwit. They just mean that someone was able to deploy enough brains, grit, or money to obtain said credentials.

Put another way: I from time to time, as my wife can attest, remark that I think someone is stupid. Thing is, I don't use the term to mean, "that person lacks the capacity for thought" because to me condemning someone for an innate lack makes as much sense as laughing at a blind person because they can't see. Instead, when I say someone is stupid I mean, "they could employ thought, but choose not to due to laziness or preference for ignorance," and it is in this latter sense that I regard Schlafly as being a bit stupid.

After all what could be dumber than having the ability to think and choosing not to make use of it?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 1:15:00 PM  
Blogger scripto said...

Holy Smokes! That means he's got to try even harder to be that incoherent. That's kind of impressive, in a way.

Friday, October 02, 2009 12:53:00 PM  

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