Oh, great, they're taking it on the road.
I recently became aware of a gathering with the unpretentious title, How to Take Back America Conference 09, apparently organized by (among others) Phyllis Schlafly. It's hard to know what to think of this, really, since the last time I checked the U.S. wasn't so much occupied by a hostile power as engaged in legitimate democratic debate. But what the hell do I know? Certainly not as much as the organizers of this conference, who have a fantastic slate of panels lined up. Just for fun, let's take a closer look with a few remarks added:
HOW TO DEAL WITH GLOBAL WARMING, CAP AND TRADE
Gary Palmer, Brooklyn Roberts Chairman: Eunie Smith
Well, first off, they don't believe in global warming, so that's easy. As for the second one... hell, I dunno, move the whole damn company to China?
HOW TO COUNTER THE HOMOSEXUAL EXTREMIST MOVEMENT
Matt Barber, Brian Camenker Chairman: Jayne Schindler
Ah yes, "homosexual extremists." They want crazy, extreme things, like to be able to marry their lifetime partners and to not be stoned while tied to barbed wire. Indeed, truly threats we all need to counter. Right.
HOW TO USE NEW MEDIA TECHNOLOGY
Bloggers: Dana Loesch, Kevin Jackson, Jim Hoft Chairman: Ruth Carlson
"Okay, first, this is a computer. Say it with me: com-pu-ter! Despite what you may have heard, it's perfectly safe to operate."
HOW TO DEFEND AMERICA VS. MISSILE ATTACK
Football Star Riki Ellison, 7-minute video Chairman: Colleen Parro
"Okay, first, get a really big bat. Then just think of the warhead as a fastball and swing for the stands!" On an unrelated note: what the hell does a Football Star know about missile defense? Totally different kinds of "interception", people.
HOW TO STOP THE ENTRY OF ILLEGAL ALIENS AND DRUGS
Kris Kobach, Esq. Chairman: Char Bredemeier
I love that they don't specify what the illegal aliens and drugs are entering. Given the story of Ted Haggard, I don't think they mean "entry into the United States."
HOW TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM OF SUPREMACIST JUDGES
Phillip Jauregui, Esq., Virginia Armstrong Chairman: Andy Schlafly, Esq.
What now? What kind of supremacist? White supremacist? Judicial supremacists? Or do they mean just really, really awesome judges?
HOW TO STOP GOVERNMENT ATTACKS ON PARENTS’ RIGHTS
Sen. Nancy Schaefer, Sen. Pam Roach Chairman: Gayle Ruzicka
Note they aren't concerned with the rights of the child. Congratulations, kids! You're property until you're eighteen!
HOW TO COPE WITH FEMINIST ATTACKS ON MARRIAGE AND MOTHERHOOD: Phyllis Schlafly, Suzanne Venker Chairman: Violet Vestevich
Right, yes, because feminists are never, ever mothers. I knew that.
HOW TO STOP SOCIALISM IN HEALTH CARE
Larry Huntoon M.D., Frank Rosenbloom M.D., Allen Unruh, M.D. Chairman: Andy Schlafly, Esq.
"Step one: Become president. Step two: Stop socialism in health care. Step three: Clear brush from your ranch."
HOW TO DEFEAT ATTACKS ON SOVEREIGNTY BY U.N. TREATIES AND NORTH AMERICAN UNION
Frank Gaffney Chairman: Cathie Adams
Um... what? Opposition to a purely theoretical entity? Hell, can we have a panel on how to defeat attacks by the Death Star next?
HOW TO LOBBY FEDERAL LEGISLATION & POLICY: Frontenac
Colleen Holmes, Suzanne Bibby, Colleen Parro Chairman: Bonnie Nugent
I'm guessing this boils down to, "Hang out on the capital steps and scream 'what about the children' over and over again until CNN shows up."
HOW TO USE THE INTERNET AND NEW MEDIA TO WIN YOUR CAMPAIGN:
Cherilyn Eagar Chairman: Ruth Carlson
Does this have anything to do with the Diebold corporation?
HOW TO DEAL WITH VOTE FRAUD, THE CENSUS, AND ACORN
Kris Kobach Esq., Ed Martin Chairman: Helen Blackwell
I'm guessing the term "poll tax" is gonna come up...
HOW TO STOP ABORTIONS: A NEW APPROACH
DVD: Maafa 21, Janet Porter, Rep. Trent Franks Chairman: Penny Pullen
Don't wanna know. Really, I don't. Between the harassment, threats, and outright killings, I can't imagine what the new approach might be. Unless, you know, they go with honest, reasoned discussion, which would be pretty new for them.
HOW TO LOBBY LEGISLATORS
Janine Hansen, Bobbie Patray, Gayle Ruzicka, Sue Ella Deadwyler Chairman: Carole Griffin
With guest speaker: Michael Duvall!
HOW TO BRING YOUTH INTO THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT
Gary Bosley, Andy Schlafly, Karin Agness Chairman: Orlean Koehle
Because just having lots and lots of babies doesn't seem to be working?
HOW TO DEFEND TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE AND DOMA
Mat Staver, Esq. Chairman: John Schlafly, Esq.
Maybe try realizing that letting homosexuals get married doesn't in any way impact your own commitment to your spouse? Just a thought.
HOW TO UNDERSTAND ISLAM
Frank Gaffney, Bill Federer, Walid Shoebat Chairman: Janet Porter
Does anyone think these folks are at all interested in understanding Islam? I didn't think so.
HOW TO ACTIVATE YOUR CHURCH
Woody Woodrum, Pastor Paul Blair Chairman: Donna Hearne
How to activate your church? What is it, Voltron?
HOW THE MEDIA CAN HELP US TAKE BACK AMERICA
Vic Eliason, Jim Schneider Chairman: Joan Langenberg
We're talking about Fox News right now, right?
HOW CONSERVATIVES CAN WIN IN 2010
Penny Pullen, Sandy McDade, Vicky Hartzler Chairman: Bunny Chambers
Please let the approach not include Sarah Palin.
HOW TO DEFEAT CON CON, NATIONAL POPULAR VOTE, ERA
Janine Hansen, Elise Bouc Chairman: Cindy Honcoop
Worst. Name. Ever.
HOW TO STOP FEMINIST AND GAY ATTACKS ON THE MILITARY
Elaine Donnelly Chairman: Pat Schneider
Really seems like the military should be able to defend itself, you know? Otherwise, what the hell are they doing with all the tanks?
HOW TO RECOGNIZE LIVING UNDER NAZIS & COMMUNISTS
Kitty Werthmann Chairman: Betsy Hagan
I can't imagine how anyone could attend this panel without laughing. Seriously. "Question One: Are you ruled by a man named Stalin? Question Two: Does your leader make constant references to needing lebensraum? Question Three: ..."
And you know what the best part of all this is? The Schlafly family is represented six times among the speakers/panelists, and Andy is up there three times. Well, at least we know the traditional value of nepotism is alive and well!
The convention is over so you can't go (sorry!) but you can get a DVD of the entire conference for the low low price* of only $150.00! Wow!
Operators are standing by, just as soon as they convince themselves that their telephones don't contain evil gay feminist demons.
* Technically, they ask for a "suggested donation" of $150.00. My guess is that the suggestion is pretty firm if you get my meaning.