Oh, Canada: Land of Moose, Mounties, and Mexican Sex Wrestling?
For those who are curious, the text reads:
In the Dark of the Night, Sex City is in panic because of the terrible SPERMINATOR whose sole mission is to infect all citizens with various sexually transmitted infections.
Who do you call? THE SEX SQUAD! An elite team of superheroes dedicated to keeping the citizens of Sex City safe from STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). It's up to you to help the Sex Squad stop The Sperminator and save Sex City. [emphasis original]
Right, so, the lead-in to this game basically sounds like a summary of the plot to Orgazmo 2, with the exception that the villain is "The Speriminator" rather than "Jizzmaster Zero". But what about the "Sex Squad"? What are they like? Well, they're a bizarre little multicultural band that appears on the next screen:
From left to right, we have:
-"Wonder Vag," who is a virgin, believes in true love, and promotes abstinence until marriage. Her "power" is that she can tell when people are lying.
-"Willy the Kid," who was bullied as a child for his diminutive stature and joined the sex squad to show that size doesn't matter. His "power" is "massive rock hard strength."
-"Power Pap," who is sexually active, has had an STI, and now dedicates her life to testing and pap tests. Her "power" is x-ray vision to spot infections.
-"Captain Condom," who was a scientist developing better condoms but, due to a freak accident, is now half man, half condom. His "power" is to stretch to any size and, when used correctly, he is 98% effective.
So, a couple of points. First, I think the designers might have meant "Wonder Vag" sarcastically. And I think that because "Wonder Vag" sounds like a type of sex toy I do not want anything to do with. Two, not only does "Willy the Kid" look like a seventies pimp, but why is it that the only black character is also the one implied to have massive...um... equipment? Third, would any kicky latina superheroine really want to go by the moniker "Power Pap"? I mean wow. And finally, "half man, half condom"? Folks, mixing a human with any old household object does not a superhero make. Just ask "Captain Doorknob."
In any case, I decided to play as "Captain Condom," because who wouldn't want to be half condom? I was then presented with my evil foe, the sperminator:
Now, there are a couple of things to notice about this scene, which I've helpfully labeled below. First, notice that The Sperminator has giant veiny penises as his forearms. Aside from looking absurd, I really have to wonder about his quality of life. I mean, this may be TMI, but I think I'd be very unhappy if I had to go through life manipulating the world using my penis(es). Hell, typing alone would be a really unpleasant chore, much less doing yard work, shoveling snow, sanding a deck, etc. So, basically, I just think The Sperminator is less of a villain and more a man suffering from a terrible affliction. Second, apparently in Canada "villain" is synonymous with "Mexican Wrestler". Aside from the penis-limbs, that's really all The Sperminator is. I feel deeply insulted, given my oft asserted intention of becoming a Mexican wrestler once I fail at this whole sociology thing.
Now, when you fight The Sperminator he attacks you with what appears to be a half sperm, half shark hybrid.* And, really, if this is what I thought sperm looked like, I'd be terrified of my own groin:
You, the player, answer a series of questions about STIs and for each one you get right, reflect one of the shark-sperm back to hit The Sperminator. Answer enough correctly and you defeat The Sperminator, converting him from a giant Mexican wrestler with penis hands into a smaller Mexican wrestler with normal hands. So... yay?
I'm not writing about this because I think there's anything wrong with it, other than the basically limp** gameplay mechanic. Mostly, I just want to point out that Canada is, in its own way, totally f-ing awesome. Have fun playing the game!
And I know you will!
* It took some effort to get a picture of this, too, because they're not on screen very long.
** Not a joke I could resist, folks. Sorry.