During a recent cruise through that wretched hive of scum and villainy I happened to notice a rather odd article being trumpeted on the front page:
Or, for the image impaired:
Google ranks us #1 for Secularized Language.
To which I responded, "What the f-ing crap does that mean?" Because, really, I don't know what "secularized language" is, much less why Conservapedia of all places would be the best place to find it. To learn more, I clicked their inviting link and ended up on a page that simply boggles the mind:
And, again, to quote the header to the article:
While the development of conservative words increases at an exponential rate, those with an antichristian and anti-American agenda, such as liberals, homosexuals, atheists, evolutionists and leftists, have attempted to remove the Christian origins of our language by replacing common phrases with secularized versions. By appealing to tolerance and political correctness, they have succeeded in propagating these secularized versions, even among those who don't share their views. Such deceitful tactics are a prime example of Liberal redefinition and other Liberal tools.
So, in other words, the Conservapeons are claiming that English is in some sense a "Christian language" and that lefties have been engaged in some shadowy plot to obscure this heritage. I'm not really sure what to do with the notion that the English language is the direct result of a religion that began in another part of the world among a totally different ethnic group who spoke a totally different language. On the other hand, Christianity is well known for appropriating pre-existing pagan holidays for its own purposes (e.g. Christmas, Easter, etc.) and English is well known for appropriating pre-existing words and grammar from other languages, so perhaps they do have something in common? Hell, James D. Nicoll once remarked, and with good reason, that:
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
The resemblance is uncanny! But what are the changes that the Conservapeons consider so frightening? Well, you can read the article yourself, but some of my favorites are marked below:
Or, to sum up:
Sin -> Crime
Sin -> Lifestyle Choice
Blasphemy -> Secular Opinion
Heresy -> Scientific theory
Abortion -> Birth control
And it just doesn't get any more blunt than that- when you're explicitly saying that "scientific theory" is just another word for "heresy", you've officially given up on the modern world. Hell, at that point you've given up on the pre-modern world and gone all the way back to the dark ages. I invite any of you with more time than I to use this article, a word processor, and a document of your own choosing to test out this translation key. Just how would things read if we converted back into the original expression?
Now, some of you might be wondering if this is all the work of one or more parodists who are trying to make Conservapedia look bad. That's a good question, but if you check the history, you can see that Schlafly's fingerprints are all over this disaster:
Indeed, he's the guy who started the whole thing.
Sometimes, I feel like I have to expend energy to argue against Conservapedia but, honestly, at this point they're doing it just fine by themselves.