Total Drek

Damned lactation nazis...

2012-02-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

As it happens my wife is an absolute breastfeeding champion and our little JezLil is doing wonderfully. That said, I have so much profound sympathy and appreciation for this that I can't even explain:

You really did not think this was going to happen, partly because you spent nine months being practically Gisele about EVERYONE SHOULD DO IT and WOMEN WHO SAY THEY CAN'T ARE LIARS BECAUSE EVOLUTION (not out loud, or anything, because you're likable), but quietly and fatuously in your head. And you read The Politics of Breastfeeding and attended the LLL meetings and waltzed around feeling completely confident that you would produce such an excess of precious perfect nutrition from your body that you could probably add it to kale smoothies and donate it to nice gay male adoptive parents.

...

But natural childbirth worked! And it took a couple of days for your milk to come in, which is completely normal. Expected! You expected it. And in the interim she lost about 13% of her birth weight, which is...more than normal, but not completely disastrous. And she was a little baby to begin with, so she started to look like a plucked chicken, but no big deal. But your milk came in, and you fed every hour or so, because that's what you do, and you had to wake her UP to feed, because snoozy, but she always had a great latch, and looked satisfied and drunk when she fell off, so you assumed you were in business.

And then you brought her back in, and she had lost another ounce. So, obviously, you had a crazy weeping fit in your pediatrician's office, and BEGGED for more time when she extremely hesitantly suggested you might need to start supplementing. Lactation consultant! Pump! Fenugreek! Blessed thistle! Nursing vacations! (You get in bed, naked, with your naked baby, load up the entire run of The Wire, have people bring you water and food, do nothing but nurse for 48 hours.)

She wouldn't gain. It wasn't great.

It's worth reading the rest, because it's an awesome, awesome post. Breastfeeding is a very healthy thing for both mother and child and should be encouraged, but good lord! Doing it doesn't make you an angel from heaven and not doing it doesn't make you a crack smoking reject. Being any kind of parent is so freaking impossible that you'd cry if you didn't love that little four-limbed alien so much, and you'll probably still end up crying from sheer, unrelenting frustration. Breatfeeding mothers? Rock on. Non-breastfeeding mothers? Rock on.

This actually made me giggle a little bit.

2012-01-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

If you thought getting an abortion in this country is a pain in the ass, guess what's almost happened to men who want prescriptions for erectile dysfunction medication:

To protest a bill that would require women to undergo an ultrasound before having an abortion, Virginia State Sen. Janet Howell (D-Fairfax) on Monday attached an amendment that would require men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication.

"We need some gender equity here," she told HuffPost. "The Virginia senate is about to pass a bill that will require a woman to have totally unnecessary medical procedure at their cost and inconvenience. If we're going to do that to women, why not do that to men?"

There are all kinds of arguments to be made here but, hey, if we can do all kinds of unnecessary crazy shit to women when they need help to end a pregnancy, why not do all kinds of unnecessary crazy shit to men who need help to start one? Sounds fair to me.

It'll be a few decades (I hope!) before I might be in the market for wang medication, but let me go on record as saying that I would be more than happy to get a rectal exam and cardiac stress test first if it means that JezLil will have the right to choose when she's all grown up.

The Overton Window: Afterword

2012-01-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that killed the dinosaurs. Last time Noah woke up in a sanitarium, indicated once more that he's an incompetent fuckup, and learned that Molly may somehow still be alive. What happens this week? Almost nothing, because all we have left is the authors' afterword. Blessed be!

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for telling the hilarious truth:

Actually, the lettering on the bracelet was probably dulled when the EMP inductively heated it to several hundred degrees. If Molly was wearing it, she probably lost the hand.

But now they have Noah as an inside man. Now, he's not good at sneaking. When he needed to minimize his profile, he had Molly impersonate a movie star. When he knows they'll kill him if he isn't loyal, he can't play loyal. My guess is his email password is Tr@itor. The worst thing they could do is try to use him as a spy. The best thing they could do is nothing; Arthur's getting old, and there's no way Noah will be able to fill his shoes.

You just have to love that penultimate fail: in order for "good" to triumph, they should actually do nothing since that will allow "evil" to put his incompetent, half-witted, sex-starved son in charge, who will promptly crash the evil conspiracy into a mountain. Is there anything less satisfying than a hero who can only be counted on to fail? Probably not. Well done, Jay, and everyone give it your best shot for next week- it's your last chance!

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Fo-shizzle!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by my angry dog.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom. Some kind of moronic double-agent.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman. Almost certainly dead from a nuclear blast.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

***********************************

Afterword: In which the authors try to make it all make sense.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 293, Line 1:

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." -Andre Gide [emphasis original]

For those who are wondering, that's the quote the authors selected to start the afterword. It sounds neat and profound, but frankly it's dumb. Whether someone claims to know the truth or whether they claim to be seeking it has nothing to do with the reliability of their views. Instead, what you should pay attention to is evidence, actual information that supports or falsifies a given assertion. Because, as it turns out, humans can be very good at talking themselves into various notions, so if you rely on certainty as a measure of accuracy you will surely be disappointed. But, hey, I'm just a sociologist, what do I know?

Page 293, Line 2-9:

There's a very good reason we called this book The Overton Window, and it's not just because it's one of the techniques that Arthur Gardner uses to push his objectives. We chose this title because it's also a technique that, to one extent or another, we just used on you. (The key difference is, I'm openly telling you that's what I'm doing; I don't have a hidden agenda here.) In the course of reading and thinking about this story, it's simply my hope that you've spent a little bit of time entertaining ideas that you might not have considered before. [emphasis original]

I see what you did there, authors. You're like a regular Morpheus with the red pill and I'm all like "Woah!" and you're all like, "Nobody can by told what The Overton Window is. You have to see it for yourself." Riiiiight. OR this was just a piece of trashy fiction that panders to the lowest common denominator on the right. I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to consider which is more likely, with the caveat that we'll be discussing exactly that next week. Still, I guess it's nice to find out what the authors were hypothetically trying to do. As for that "I don't have a hidden agenda" bit... well, to paraphrase the authors' own quote, "Believe those who admit to their agendas. Doubt those who claim to have none".

Page 293, Line 10-14:

Remember, the Overton Window concept is that only the few scenarios that currently sit inside an established window of acceptable debate will be taken seriously by the public. To move the Window toward their ultimate goal, those pushing an agenda have to introduce radical ideas that fall outside of the current comfort zone.

Wow. This explains people like Michelle Bachman so incredibly well. Thank you, wacky authors! Seriously, though, I love how the authors are trying to cap off this book with an extra dose of incipient paranoia. Be afraid of people proposing new and unusual ideas- because they're trying to TAKE OVER THE FUCKING COUNTRY!!!!

Page 294, Line 5-6:

Applying this concept to our story, it should be obvious that we set out to create a plot based in reality...

You're joking, right? Because I read a lot of sci-fi and, I gotta tell you, this shit strains credulity more than the average David Weber novel. And I have fucking READ his Empire from the Ashes bit, okay?* In that one he decided that the entire freaking MOON was, in fact, an ancient alien** battleship, and it's STILL more plausible. I mean, yeah, your book had recognizable place names and depicted creatures that had human names, but none of them behaved in a remotely human manner and, for all the description we got, they might have had a radially-symmetric body plan. Just sayin' is all.

Page 294, Line 6-7:

...and then we pushed it to an absolute extreme.

Extremely stupid, yes. Otherwise, no, this was not an "absolute extreme". On the extremity scale, this "revolution" was a poorly planned absurdist disaster. Seriously. Did the evil characters conquer the U.S. with a secret army? No. Was there some kind of nanotech plague that re-wrote everyone's minds? No. Were there sharks with frickin lasers on their heads? No. Instead, of these "absolute extremes" we got an ambitious PR man and his moron son. That is so far from the "absolute extreme" that I can't even begin to describe it. Nevertheless, the authors go off explaining how fighter pilots use simulators to prepare for the worst possible situations and then return to discussing their book.

Page 294, Line 19-23:

This book is your simulator. It's unlikely that we'll face anything close to the challenges that Noah and Molly are up against. But, after experiencing their scenario in its fictional setting, maybe it will become a little easier to have deeper conversations about the important forces that are actually at work in the real world.

Right, OR we'll run the risk of being diverted from those discussions by poorly thought-out nonsensical horse shit that someone put into a book marketed as "ripped from the headlines" but in reality "ripped from the slush pile". I can just imagine the sorts of discussions this book provokes, and somehow I doubt they really involve serious discussions of the actual best way to deal with poverty and economic prosperity within the same context.

Page 294, Line 24-25:

As I told you at the outset, while I certainly used a lot of dramatic license, this story is loaded with truth.

Well, it's loaded with something at any rate. It doesn't smell like truth to me, though. That said, I find this last authorial statement amusing in light of the beginning quote for this section.

Page 294, Line 25-28:

But facts can easily be manipulated, and that's why we are including this section. I want you to decide for yourself exactly what is fact, what is based on fact, what is common belief possibly based on a distorted fact, and what is complete fiction. [emphasis original]

God, I just love that. The authors are actually making the claim that their pastiche of reality, horse shit, and damned lies is something other than laziness or ideological blinders and is, instead, their effort to provoke deeper thought. Seriously, folks, who uses this method? When we teach our classes, do we deliberately intermingle things we know to be wrong with stuff we know to be right to provoke deeper thought? Hell no- because that doesn't work. I almost wish I could get away with this idiocy when I write papers. Can you imagine what the reviewers would say if they discovered a statement in the discussion section to the effect of, "Some of what I've written I know to be crap- but I want you to have the exercise of finding out what"? Yikes.

Page 294, Line 29:

Don't stop at my sources; find your own.

Yeah, you'd better, because his are weird as hell.

Page 294, Line 29-31:

That way, you can determine where your own Overton Window should be located as we continue to debate what kind of America we want to live in.

Well, I'm certainly not going to castigate education and reasoned debate. Too bad neither one plays a role in this book but, hey, whatever. Anyway, we get another few lines encouraging readers to pour over the text to find other hidden gems (hell NO!) and then we start the endnotes section, which has a little bit of exposition slipped in at random that I'm not going to worry about because I integrated the endnotes into the text this entire freaking time. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, we are officially done with this book.

So, what have we learned? Well, if you want to talk about that you'll have to come back next week when I try to wrap things up with a few "insights". Or, failing that, just swear at this disaster a whole lot. Either way, though, it'll be fun.

See you then!

* Actually, in all fairness, I do like a lot of what he writes, melodramatic crap that it is. I do wish he'd finally fucking kill off Honor "Uber-Menschen" Harrington already, though. ** Well, sort of. It was actually built by humans from the original human homeworld of, if I recall corectly, "Birhat". That part is totally loony since the DNA evidence is pretty conclusive that we're linked in a consistent web of evolutionary relationships to every living thing on the planet, but whatever.

The Barkside...

2012-01-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

I am definitely enough of a geek to find this absolutely hysterical:

Hey, anti-choice folks! Check this out!

2012-01-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

According to a recent study in The Lancet, if you really hate abortion, you should actually favor pro-choice policies. Seriously:

Findings
The global abortion rate was stable between 2003 and 2008, with rates of 29 and 28 abortions per 1000 women aged 15—44 years, respectively, following a period of decline from 35 abortions per 1000 women in 1995. The average annual percent change in the rate was nearly 2·4% between 1995 and 2003 and 0·3% between 2003 and 2008. Worldwide, 49% of abortions were unsafe in 2008, compared to 44% in 1995. About one in five pregnancies ended in abortion in 2008. The abortion rate was lower in subregions where more women live under liberal abortion laws [p less than 0.05].

Interpretation
The substantial decline in the abortion rate observed earlier has stalled, and the proportion of all abortions that are unsafe has increased. Restrictive abortion laws are not associated with lower abortion rates. Measures to reduce the incidence of unintended pregnancy and unsafe abortion, including investments in family planning services and safe abortion care, are crucial steps toward achieving the Millennium Development Goals. [underlining added, all other emphasis original]

So now the question is, what do you prefer: the high you get off of righteous indignation, or an actual reduction in the abortion rate?

I won't hold my breath.

The Overton Window: Epilogue

2012-01-20T09:09:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that makes doves cry. Last time Noah had the shit shocked out of him by vaguely-described torturers and his dad. What happens this week? We discover how it all comes out, and when I say "comes out" I mean it as in, "like poop from a butt".

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Ken for an appropriate, if very disturbing, reference to Atlas Shrugged:

"But, sucky or not, that's actually the end of the last chapter."

Maybe there is a G-d...

"So does this mean we're done? Fuck no! Because now we have a frigging Epilogue to deal with, followed by an afterword."

Then again...

In the Epilogue, Noah, Molly, and their three children (Eli, Beverly, and Khaled) are standing at a train station, when Noah looks up and feels (for the first time since Khaled was conceived) his dick getting hard. He grabs Molly, points down the platform, and says, "That's her! It's the legendary Dagny Taggart!!"

At which point Molly pushes him onto the tracks just as the train comes in.

Soundtrack: The final verse of Steve Goodman's "You Never Even Called Me By My Name."

I actually think that might have been a better epilogue than what we get. Scratch that, I know it would have been. Alas, that's not what actually happens, but it's good to dream. Nicely done, Ken, and keep it up, folks! Time is running out.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Waffle frolic!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by my fevered imagination.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom. Some kind of moronic double-agent.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman. Almost certainly dead from a nuclear blast.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Epilogue: In which a much more interesting book almost begins, but doesn't.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 285, Line 1-7:

A month to the day had passed since Noah had arrived in his new quarters.

The days in this place had started to meld into one another, so he'd resorted to noting each sunrise with a mark on one of the painted bricks in the wall near his bed. While actual calendars were available for residents of his moderate status, these private etchings seemd to be a more fitting method to keep a tally of his time inside.

Oh, just... man. How do we even untangle that? He's in some sort of confinement, but the authors are still obsessed with noting how Noah has more status than everyone around him. Before it was fancy apartments and cars, now it's calendars. And about those calendars- he can get one to keep track of days, but instead he chooses to act like an inmate in some sort of prison movie. So, basically, the characterization is telling us that Noah is the biggest, most immature poser imaginable. Lovely.

Page 285, Line 11-13:

Noah was familiar with the atmosphere of a dormitory, though he'd never actually had to live in one while in college. That was the style of accommodations this place most resembled.

Right, yes, we get it- Noah is from a rich family. So rich he never lived in a dorm. Whatever. Can we all just get past this, already? Alternatively, based on the business with the calendar, guys like Noah must be why schools have to do so much refurbishing from year to year- spoiled morons always etching calendars into their walls like they're in The Shawshank Redemption or something. Anyway, he blathers on for a while about how his facility has a sort of floor warden who is a guard without being called such and how he's been stuck out in this Montana facility while he's rehabilitated to help with his father's wacko cause. And as with everything else in his life, he sucks at that, too.

Page 286, Line 22-25:

Noah's original accomodations had actually been much nicer; a private suite on one of the upper floors- but his unsatisfactory performance in his first real work assignment had resulted in his lodgings being downgraded a notch.

Well, at least he's rising to the level of his incompetence, as it were. Apparently his job was to write an in-depth news piece detailing the evil conspiracy to nuke Las Vegas from the perspective of an "unwilling insider."

Page 286-287, Line 286: 31, 287: 1-5:

His first draft was rejected immediately; there'd been a consistent undertone in the text that seemed to paint the ringleaders, the Founders' Keepers, in a subtly but unacceptably positive light. His second try wasn't an improvement, it was even worse. The strange thing was, if only out of self-preservation, Noah had been trying hard to write what they wanted, but the stubborn truths just kept elbowing their way in.

Right, so, he's an advertising executive whose job it is to lie for a living who is, apparently, a bad liar. It is really a good thing for Noah that he's the boss' son, eh? Don't even get me started on that "stubborn truths" bit. It's true that Molly's group didn't plan the nuking. But, that said, they're still an extremist group that used manipulation, assault, and drugging to get what they wanted. They are, in fact, crazy. Even if you agree with their motives, they're still crazy.

Page 287, Line 6-11:

After an informal inquiry, this first glitch was chalked up to the lingering effects of the Stockholm syndrome, that passing mental condition through which hostages sometimes develop an odd sympathy for the cause of their captors. For the time being it was determined that, until he was better, Noah would be given less-demanding duties and an additional editor to watch over his work.

Look I, of all people, am forced to agree that giving Noah less-demanding duties is always a good idea. No matter how undemanding his duties, he's probably still in over his head. That said, given the course of events in this book, I think it's pretty likely that if they just got this moron laid- preferably by someone who resembles his mother- he'd be back to normal in a jiffy. Just sayin' is all. Anyway, he remembers how he was given the job of coming up with a name for the treasury bureau that would administer the next wave of bailouts for private industry. Needless to say, he fucks that up, too.

Page 287, Line 21-25:

This was the work of only a few seconds; Noah called it the Federal Resource Allocation & Underwriting Division. Nearly a truckload of boxes of letterhead and business cards had been printed before someone in production noticed a problem: The five-letter acronym for this new government bureau would be FRAUD. [emphasis original]

Ha! That wacky Noah Gardner, always screwing things up. Amazingly, his captors still don't believe that this was intentional- or maybe not so amazingly given the unbroken string of dumb that characterizes Noah's decisions- but they do decide to move him to less palatial quarters. So how does Noah explain these repeated lapses?

Page 287, Line 29-31:

Once you know the truth, Molly had said, then you've got to live it. What she'd apparently neglected to add was that you'll also tend to randomly tell it, whether it gets you into trouble or not. [emphasis original]

Right. So, in addition to stupid, Noah is also ridiculously undisciplined. Glad we straightened all that out. Whatever. Noah rolls around on his cot for a while, goes to the bathroom, and then goes back to sleep. Wait, sorry, I should mention that the authors specifically state that Noah left the bathroom "cleaner than he found it". So, apparently he took a dump and then stopped to tidy things up a bit. I don't know why this bit of information was at all relevant to us but, hey, there you go. It's a shared bathroom, so maybe the authors want us to know that Noah's companions in the dorm of dumb are messy? I have no idea why we would care, but, maybe. And then we get something that, frankly, is just horrific.

Page 289, Line 8-17:

There was no hard transition between consciousness and the beginning of his now-familiar dream.

Noah opened his eyes and looked around. He was in the small, warm family room of a rustic little cabin. Surrounding him were simple furnishings, hand-made quilts, and corner shelves of keepsakes and photographs. Unlike the mass-produced, impersonal flash of the world he'd left behind, the things here had been built and woven and carved and finished but skilled, loving hands, things made or given by friends and family, made to mean something, to be passed on, and to last through generations.

Okay, so he's dreaming about an episode of Grizzly Adams. Goodie?

Page 289, Line 18-24:

Snow fluttered down outside the wide windows, big flakes sticking and blowing past the frosted panes, an idyllic woodland scene framed in pleated curtains and knotty pine. He was sitting in front of a stone hearth. A pair of boots were drying there, with a space for another, smaller pair beside. A fire was burning low, a black dutch oven suspended above the coals, the smell of some wonderful meal cooking inside. Two plates and silver settings were arranged on a nearby dining table.

We all know where we are now, and how we're supposed to feel about it. It's amazingly, agonizingly hokey, but we get it. That said, I personally think that the whole scene is much funnier if we assume that the little and big pairs of boots belong to Noah and Hollis, respectively. Hey, I didn't create that subtext, people, it's right there in the book!

Page 289, Line 25-31:

A simple evening lay ahead. Though it might seem nearly identical to a hundred other nights he'd spent with her, he also knew it would be unlike any other, before or after. It always was; being with Molly, talking with her, listening to her, enjoying the quiet with her, feeling her close to him, thinking of the future with her. Every night was like a perfect first date, and every morning like the first exciting day of a whole new life together.

I'd make some comment about feeling this way about my wife, but it wouldn't really be accurate. We have a lot of wonderful, amazing times together, but we also get sick, and tired, and moody, and frustrated, and angry, and fight, and all the other things that real human beings feel and do. But loving someone and committing to them means that you forge a life together both when things are easy and every night is like a first date, but also when things are very hard. It's the hardship and pain that makes the joy so beautiful and I do not think we could be us without it. But, hey, whatever- Noah wants easy and fluffy. Anyway, Noah wakes suddenly to find a dude looking in through the window in his door. As it turns out, it's a guy named Nathan delivering dinner- which coincidentally means Noah was sleeping in the middle of the afternoon- who asks to come in. Once inside he fondles the television a bit and then turns the radio on, bumping the volume up enough to drown out noise from inside the room.

Page 291, Line 4-6:

"What is this-?" Noah began, and before he could finish that question he found himself pushed hard against the wall with a forearm pressed against his neck and the other man's face close to his.

You know, I really hadn't expected this book to contain any prison rape when I started. I wouldn't say I was sorry about that, but if it has to be here, it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy. Sadly, though, that's not what's about to happen.

Page 291, Line 7-14:

"You want to know what this is?" Nathan hissed. "It's a wake-up call. You're in a valuable position, my friend, and we need for you to snap out of it and start doing the work we need done." He adjusted his grip on Noah's collar, and continued. "Now, listen closely. Tomorrow, at your job, you sign into your computer right before you leave for the day, but you don't sign out. Here's a key." Noah felt something shoved roughly into his pocket. "You're going to leave it under the mouse pad on the desk two places down from yours, to your left. Got all that?"

Oh, man, seriously? After all that shit that Molly did to him, her "organization" thinks it can call on his loyalty?

Page 291, Line 15:

Noah nodded, as best he could.

Apparently, yes, it can. Whelp, there you have it! Anyway, Nathan leaves, telling Noah that he'll enjoy his desert, and Noah hastily cuts into the desert to look for a file or something. And indeed he finds something.

Page 292, Line 1-4:

It was Molly's silver bracelet.

He held it close to his eyes; maybe the words engraved there were a little more worn than they'd been before, but he would have remembered them even if they'd been gone completely.

That sounds cute until you realize that the words are more worn because whoever recovered this bracelet basically had to sand Molly's melted flash off of it. You know, since she was blown the fuck up by a nuclear weapon.

Page 292, Line 5-7:

She was alive. Whatever other message he'd been hoping for, whatever guidance he'd been seeking, this was better. Not just a plan, because a plan can be defeated. This was a foundation.

No, it's a bracelet. I thought we went over this already? And Molly is most certainly not alive. Or she shouldn't be but, alas, he then finds a note written in Molly's own handwriting.

Page 292, Line 12-13:

"We've everywhere. Stay with us; I'll see you soon. The fight starts tomorrow."

Honestly the only reason this line doesn't make me sick is because it also happens to be the last line of the damned narrative. Yes, folks, that's right: we have reached The End! And that end is basically foreshadowing for another book that might actually be somewhat entertaining. But, you know, probably not.

So where to from here? Well, next week we'll cover the authors' afterword, which leads into the endnotes that I've been adding in this whole time. After that, the following week we'll take stock of what we've learned and then the week after that will be an index for the series. And on that last day, we'll learn who won the "Best Comment" contest for this book and they can pick their fabulous prize, including but not limited to the option of receiving my very own annotated copy of The Overton Window in the mail! Yay!

So come back for another few weeks and help me put this fucker to bed.

See ya!

Oh, man. Dembski is gonna love this one...

2012-01-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

Exciting news about evolution: turns out, some things are easier to evolve than you might think!

When we think of life on Earth, most of us think of multicellular organisms, like large mammals or massive trees. But we're only aware of three groups of complex, multicellular organisms, which suggested it might be a major hurdle. Now, a new study describes how researchers evolved a multicellular form of yeast (the same species that contributes to bread and beer), and were able to see specialized cell behaviors and reproduction in as little as 60 days.

You'll have to read the article for the description of the method, which is quite clever, but the outcome is amazing:

But the clusters didn't simply keep growing indefinitely. Instead, the yeast quickly evolved a form of reproduction by splitting off what the authors call "propagules," or smaller clusters that break off and go on to develop on their own.

With more generations, this form of reproduction began to include specialized cell behavior. A small percentage of cells in the cluster would start committing suicide through a process called apoptosis. This death would allow the propagule to split off cleanly at the site of the dead cell, improving the efficiency of reproduction. Normally, there's no evolutionary advantage to a cell ending up dead but, since the cells in the propagule are genetically identical, this behavior can be selected for.

Just amazing stuff.

I think you're missing the point, guys...

2012-01-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

So, over the weekend I happened to take a look at the usual cesspool of villainy and discovered something that honestly made me laugh out loud a little. And, as usual, I just have to share:

Or, in plain text:

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day. A day to celebrate the peaceful life of a man committed to Jesus. Also, it's a day for liberals to play the race card.

Okay, now, I'll readily concede that Martin Luther King Jr.'s name gets pressed into service for a lot of political causes, many of which I rather doubt he would have approved of. Glenn Beck, for example, about whom we have recently been learning far too much, held a rally at the same location and on the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech. So, for better or for ill, Reverend King has become the sort of national symbol that can be invoked in numerous contexts regardless of who the man was or what he thought. That being said, when we think of Martin Luther King Jr. what is it we think of? Do we think of his work as a Reverend in his church or do we think of the civil rights movement? My guess, is we think of the civil rights movement. We think of his work to liberate an oppressed racial group and while he was non-violent, I don't think that anyone with that level of commitment and determination is exactly peaceful. Simply put, thinking about race is unavoidable on MLK day and, arguably, it part of the point of the day.

But, hey, Conservapedia is the "trustworthy" encyclopedia, so whatever.

The Overton Window: Chapter 47

2012-01-13T09:08:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that is finally, finally drawing to a close. Last time Noah sat through one of his father's bizarre, internally contradictory monologues. What happens this week? Noah gets lit up like the fourth of July by a dude with a car battery and jumper cables. While his dad watches, no less. Classy.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for noting why Arthur Gardner fails super-villainy 101:

Arthur seems really short on vision.

The great thing about nukes, from a conspirator's perspective, is that they don't leave much physical evidence. When you see a twenty-mile-wide radioactive glass crater, there's no point in breaking out the fingerprint kit and the Luminol.

So, if it didn't destroy anything much, *say that it did*. Pretend that it destroyed the fileservers that control, say, Social Security checks, or DoD payroll, or the water supply for LA, or all of that and some other stuff. Give the system three months of chaos.

Arthur should be able to get plenty of impact out of this.

But then, this is really the story of the entire book: the villains just aren't that smart or villainous, the heroes just aren't that smart or virtuous, and the story just isn't that smart of entertaining. It's like the barely-competent are struggling to conquer the land of bland mediocrity, and that just doesn't make a good foundation for any kind of story telling. But, alas, that's what we have, so we just have to make the most of it, which in this case probably means "kindling". Well done, Jay, and keep at it folks: the pain is nearly at an end.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Bzzzzzt!.

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by the authors, frankly.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman. Almost certainly dead from a nuclear blast.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man. Has a thing for electroshock.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 47: In which Noah becomes a double agent or... something.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 280, Line Plumb:

No quote, but when we pick back up the technicians are preparing Noah to have the shit shocked out of him. This mostly involves strapping him down so that he doesn't thrash and putting a rubber hose between his teeth. This is, of course, completely inadequate as electroconvulsive therapy can cause such powerful muscular contractions that you break your own bones, even when strapped down. For just this reason the use of such therapy is almost always accompanied by powerful muscle relaxants. So, basically, these dudes have no idea what they're doing and, as a result, may cause grievous injury or death to Noah. Just another example of how Noah's dad apparently doesn't know how to hire competent underlings.

Page 280, Line 6-11:

Even in a clinical setting, electroconvulsive therapy was far more an art than a science; the results were never fully known until the procedure was finished. The goals were different here, but their main purpose was plain: to destroy any remaining will to resist or evade, so the truth would be the only thing he'd be capable of speaking.

Yeah, but torture doesn't actually do that. It loosens the tongue, yes, but does not in and of itself guarantee that the truth is what comes out. No matter how many times you claim to the contrary- no matter how often the authors assert that torture=truth serum- it does not magically become true. I should point out, however, that (a) the only modern use of electroconvulsive therapy (i.e. ECT) is for relieving severe, intractable depression and (b) it's notorious for causing (sometimes severe) memory loss. So, really, if you want to interrogate a guy, it's about the last method you should adopt. This is particularly true if you're attaching the electrodes, as was described last time (Page 279, Line 3-6), to either temple so that the current runs laterally from one hemisphere to the other. To minimize memory loss, you need to run the current through only a single hemisphere at a time, usually from anterior to posterior. So, again, what the hell?

Page 280, Line 12-13:

For a long while his father sat silently next to the metal table as the technicians administered the voltage with a jeweler's precision.

Yeah. So, ECT? Not really a subtle methodology. That sentence makes about as much sense as "...applied the sledgehammer with a ballerina's grace". It makes a certain kind of sense, but only in a blindingly incongruous way.

Page 280, Line 16-17:

His [Noah's] mind, once his greatest, if least used, asset, was no longer under his control.

I can agree with the "least used" part, but "greatest"? Really? If that's his greatest asset.. yeah. Buddy, it's a good thing you're rich, because without pretty or smart, rich is really your only advantage. I don't even know what to do with that "no longer under his control" bit, given that throughout this book he's been thinking with his groin rather than his brain. Seems to me the brain has been under the control of a foreign power pretty much the entire time we've known him.

Page 281, Line 3-8:

All his defenses had left him hours before. In this state if he'd had any information to reveal he would have gladly offered it, but they were now probing for something much deeper than mere intelligence. Each time he thought there was nothing left, they found another fragile layer of his soul to peel away. In the end, when all he could see was darkness, whatever was left of him finally gave in and tried to surrender.

So, basically, they're shredding his episodic memory- which is probably not the most useful interrogation technique of all time but, hey, whatever. If nothing else, it's utterly revolting to watch the authors try to make torture appear grim (which it is) while simultaneously defending it as effective (which it is not). In any case, Arthur starts talking again and asserts that the results of this entire process have been "inconclusive", which is apparently a word he hates.

Page 281, Line 16-20:

"While you've given us nothing that implicates you in the treachery of the preceding days, you've also said nothing to exonerate yourself to my side of the conflict. A true believer or a traitor to the cause, either one of those I could at least respect. But you're weak, aren't you? And fatally so."

Okay, first off, yes, Noah is immensely weak when it comes to humans with bouncy protrusions on their chests. More importantly, however... is it just me or is Arthur basically asking Noah to prove a negative? While under torture, no less? Crap. And you thought your philosophy tests were tough. Anyway, Arthur has the guys start shocking the shit out of Noah some more.

Page 281, Line 29-32:

"Noah, I last told you this when you were only a boy, so I doubt you'll remember." His father had taken his position at the side of the table. "It's a rhyme I made up for you, in answer to some childish question you'd posed. I think it fitting in our present situation."

Seriously? He's watching his only child being tortured and he's going to quote poetry? What. The. Fuck?

Page 282, Line 3-9:

"'There are men who are weak and few who are strong / There are men who are right and more who are wrong / But of all the men huddled in all the world's hives / There's but one thing that's true: It's the fit who'll survive.' "

"Noah, the meek will not inherit the earth. A faint heart is as great a weakness as a feeble mind. It pains me to say it, but I'm afraid we've reached a parting of the ways."

Just, wow. The authors just can't resist trying to take a last shot at evolution, can they? Never mind that altruism has apparently evolved.

Page 282, Line 19-25:

The idea of dying wasn't nearly as frightening as he would have thought it would be. But somewhere he also knew that this wasn't how it was supposed to end. Molly had taught him the importance of living to fight another day. She hadn't been captured, she hadn't been killed. A spirit like that doesn't die so easily. He had no facts whatsoever to assure him of this, but he knew it. Maybe it was a bit of that faith that she'd spoken of.

No, it's stupidity and ignorance, because as we we all know Molly is currently a crispy critter. I don't care how much spirit she has- spirit don't stop nuclear blast damage. Anyway, Arthur backs away and tells the techs to kill Noah and then craft a story that reflects well on his family. Right, Arthur Gardner is going to trust his family name to the creativity of the mook running the jumper cables. That's totally freaking plausible. Regardless, Noah has a brainstorm and starts quoting that Kipling poem at Arthur- you know, the one from a bunch of chapters ago (Pages 132-133, Lines 132: 24-30, 133: 1-11)? This has an... interesting effect.

Page 283, Line 19-27:

Arthur Gardner's usually dispassionate face, so long accustomed to the denial of emotion, could not contain his surprise. He resumed his seat next to the table and motioned the others from the room.

The old man leaned close and squeezed his son's hand. Noah smiled as best he could and let his father believe what he surely thought he was seeing. "I knew it was in there somewhere," Arthur Gardner said. "We had to strip all of the other nonsense away, but there it is, from the root of your being; the essence of what I've taught you. I knew you couldn't forget, though I must admit that you had me concerned."

Um... huh? I mean, what?

Page 284, Line 1-2:

"The answer is a new vision, my [Arthur's] vision, and together we can make it a reality." [emphasis original]

Um... sure, but just what exactly is your vision, crazy old dude? I mean, we know it has something to do with a plutocracy but, beyond that, what the hell exactly is it that you want to happen? You've had more dialogue than almost anyone in this idiotic book, and yet we still don't know what's going on!

Page 284, Line 3-5:

Noah realized something else then, another thing that Molly had taught him: When you lie for a living, you sometimes can't see the truth even when it's staring you right in the face.

Doubtless the authors mean for us to interpret this in light of Noah's conversion to Molly's wack-tacular political philosophy. He lies for a living and could never see the truth until she showed it to him. Honestly, however, I think this makes more sense in light of Noah's persistent delusion that Molly is attracted to him, even loves him, despite her consistently horrid treatment of him. Seriously, folks, sometimes the truth goddamn hurts. Though probably not as bad as having jumper cables attached to your genitals.

Page 284, Line 7-9:

It was a matter of pride with Arthur Gardner that his heir should be involved in the transformation that was coming. His son, then, would do his best to prove the adage that pride comes before the fall.

Oh, bloody wonderful. Noah's going to turn himself into some sort of moronic double-agent for the TEA party? Are we seriously going to have to put up with this dipshit in a sequel? Please, unnamed technician: throw that sucker all the way up to "char-broil" and give him the juice before it's too late.

Page 284, Line 13-17:

Noah felt himself fading, and he spoke again, but scarcely at a whisper. These words were meant for different ears, and wherever Molly was, he knew for certain she would hear them.

"We have it in our power," Noah said, "to begin the world over again."

Oh, god, just barf! The delusional halfwit is ending with some idiotic defiant line? Just when you think this book can't suck any more, somehow it does.

But, sucky or not, that's actually the end of the last chapter. So does this mean we're done? Fuck no! Because now we have a frigging Epilogue to deal with, followed by an afterword. But then, THEN, ladies and gentlemen, this shitstorm will finally end.

So come back next time when we get to discover what happens to Noah after his electrifying time with his dad. Don't get too excited, though: it's about as exciting as you'd expect.

See you then.

Well, when you put it that way...

2012-01-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

That can't possibly be the best you're got to work with, can it?

2012-01-10T09:04:00.001-07:00

So, I was over at the usual wretched hive of scum and villainy and happened to notice them crowing about something. And I mean, a lot:

Or, in plain human text- and bear with me, there are a lot of distinct headlines in that box:

The NFL Wildcard game won by Tim Tebow's Denver Broncos drew 42 million television viewers, the highest-rated Wild Card playoff game in 24 years. "According to Bloomberg, the brief overtime drew a 31.6 television rating." (continue reading below ...)

Pro-Christian Tim Tebow -- who would often play with the Bible verse "3:16" painted under his eyes -- completed 10 of 21 pass attempts in his stunning victory yesterday, meaning he passed for 31.6 yards per completion.

Evidence for God? During his college years at the University of Florida, Tim Tebow wore sun shadings with the number 3:16 on them, in reference to John 3:16. What are the odds of Tebow throwing 316 yards in his team's victory over the Steelers? 10,000 to 1? A million to one? Did God Himself make it happen?

ProFootballTalk declared: "If someone was writing this stuff into a Tim Tebow movie, they would have been fired by now because it all sounds too unbelievable." "Jesus observed, 'If you can believe; anything is possible to the believer.'" (Mark 9:23).

Are liberals worried that conservative Tim Tebow's stunning success for the Denver Broncos will make it more difficult for Obama to win the swing state of Colorado? Already CNN is omitting news of Tebow's success on its website's front page.

In one of the biggest upsets in playoff history, 9-point underdog Denver Broncos defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in overtime. [12] Tim Tebow -- a runner-up for Conservative of the Year 2011 -- was the difference with his 80-yard pass for the winning touchdown. [emphasis original. Yes, seriously.]

Now, I don't actually care about football. I don't honestly care for any organized team sports, with the exception of baseball. I love baseball, but only when I can be in the stands. On TV, watching sports is right up there with watching dancing with the stars.* As such, I don't really know about, or care about, Tim Tebow. If I were going to care about a football player, it would probably have been Pat Tillman, who may have been an atheist** (however much some people want to deny that possibility) but was definitely an unusual and interesting young man who died too soon while trying to do something selfless. All that said, here's the thing: Tim Tebow is proof of god? Really? I mean, really? Is that the best you've got at this point? Screw the argument from design- I mean, it does suck after all- forget about the ontological arguments, which are pointless and stupid, no, we have something better: we have Tim Tebow throwing 316 yards worth of passes in a game! WOW! Why, if only I'd know about this sooner, there's no way I would have become an atheist!***

I just don't know what to say about how the Conservapeons advance their positions sometimes.

Just sayin' is all.

* And, as my wife can tell you, I am NOT a dancing with the stars fan. ** I don't actually know if he was, but honestly I don't think it matters. Atheist, agnostic, Christian, Buddhist, whatever- he was an interesting guy who was poorly used by his country. *** Not actually true. In point of fact, absurdist arguments like this actually helped convert me to atheism faster.

The Overton Window: Chapter 46

2012-01-06T09:03:00.002-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that is only slightly more tightly-plotted than some of my daughter's board books. Last time Noah was tortured by some mysterious and nameless people for mysterious and nameless reasons. Oh, and the authors tried to justify the use of torture. What happens this week? Another crazy monologue from Noah's dad. You know, in case you weren't tired of them already.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Sassafras for the fetish theatre:

"If Molly was going down, she would go down swinging and silent. Knowing that gave Noah the first bit of hope that he'd had in a long time."

"Swinging and silent" is how everyone likes their blowjobs, amirite?!

Maybe not everyone, but definitely Noah, it would seem. Then again, since he's been trying to get in Molly's panties since damned near the first chapter, perhaps at this point even the worst quality fellatio sounds pretty awesome. Well done, Sass, and keep it up everyone! Just a few chapters to go.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Book 'em, Danno.

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by my annoying cats.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman. Almost certainly dead from a nuclear blast.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 46: In which Arthur has a dramatic monologue and then reveals he's into incest bondage.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 274, Line 1-6:

Noah had been savaged for many hours, of course, brought to the brink mentally and physically in his interrogation. No one would blame him if he didn't immediately recognize his visitor- the man was so rarely seen outside of his natural, elegant habitat. Yet, despite all of these mitigating factors, Noah knew instantly whom he was staring at because it was his own flesh and blood: the legendary Arthur Gardner.

Christ was that boring. I mean, by this point we've well and truly established that Arthur is the big bad for this story, so is anyone even slightly surprised to see him turn up here? I thought not. And isn't just a tad creepy that Noah's recognition of his own father sounds more like an MC introducing him for a roast than a tortured man catching sight of his own dad? Maybe not, given that it's hard to tell if the narration has any relationship to Noah's internal experience, but I'm really wondering if the authors have some serious daddy issues by this point. In any case, Arthur walks in, sits down on a stool, gives Noah some time to contemplate how this is to provide a psychological advantage over the tortured fuckwit still strapped to a table (i.e. Noah) and then begins speaking.

Page 275, Line 1-16:

"This woman you became involved with," Arthur Gardner began, "do you have any idea what she has cost us?"

"I don't know," Noah said. His voice was hoarse from lack of moisture , and from the suffering they'd already put him through. "Billions?"

The old man's fist came down on [Note: the text does not have a "the" here] edge of the table, hard enough to break a bone.

"She cost us impact!" he shouted, "It was to be a clean and spectacular event, a thing to be leveraged into a leap forward toward our new beginning. Instead it's become a complete debacle. We were left with an almost unnoticed explosion out in the empty desert that barely rattled a teacup in the nearest town. There aren't even any pictures- we've had to resort to artists conceptions and special effects. We'll be up all night trying to make a credible story of it all, to salvage the greatest effect we can. After all the years of preparation it was rushed forward, against my advice, due to the actions of this meaningless resistance. Which my son was somehow a part of." [emphasis original]

Okay, leaving aside that if my son had been tortured for a few hours, my first instinct would not be to make him listen to a dumb speech, it's quite obvious that Arthur has no idea what he's talking about. I mean, just think back over the "story" for a minute. Since the raid on the Stars 'n Stripes Saloon there has been no two-way contact between Danny and Molly. Anything she learned in her raid on Noah's workplace, she was unable to pass to Danny. What Danny learned, he really didn't pass to Molly. Yeah, he e-mailed her something vague about Las Vegas and "exigent", but she admitted to Noah that she had no idea what was going on. Moreover, Danny himself only found anything out, and was only involved at all, because Arthur's evil conspiracy pulled him into it. So, Molly hasn't cost Arthur anything. Indeed, she hasn't done anything except abuse Noah. And this is yet another major problem with this book- several of the main characters (i.e. Molly and Noah) don't actually have any role at all in determining the outcome of the plot. They're basically just along for the ride while Stuart and Danny bumble their way along to a plot resolution. And while Stuart and Danny do have some significant impact on how events unfold, it's too little, too late with them managing to lose control of their own nuke, get shot, and then killing themselves in a pointless gesture. In the entire goddamned book the only character who really does anything is Khaled, who eventually switched sides and teamed up with Jack Ryan to stop a group of renegade CIA agents from detonating a nuclear warhead in Tehran to provoke war between Iran and Pakistan to the advantage of an evil Neo-Nazi cabal in Saudi Arabia that wants a free hand to attack Israel on behalf of the Free Masons, who as we all know are just pawns of the Chinese Triad-based branch of the Illuminati. And all that took place in the Tom Clancy novel next door that Khaled was on his way to when Noah Gardner randomly jumped into his cab. Regardless, Noah observes that he didn't set out to be a total fuckup, Arthur acknowledges that this is true, rambles a bit, and then sets out to contradict himself.

Page 276, Line 6-14:

"Thankfully, there's already talk of suspending the presidential election. Though either candidate would have been equally useful in the aftermath, it will be a powerful bit of symbolism nevertheless. Many sweeping pieces of helpful legislation will be rushed through in the coming days with little or no debate, and those will be used to clamp down further on what remains of this Ross woman's pitiful movement. And naturally, a wholesale roundup is under way to ferret out all those connected with these backward revolutionaries, with full support of the media and the cowering public." [Arthur rasped]

"Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station!" Okay, kidding aside, and with apologies to Palpatine who is a waaaay better villain than Arthur, this all contradicts what Arthur just got done saying. First he's all like, "Waah! Waah! Molly screwed up our whole plan! Nothing is going to happen!" and then he's all like, "But, fortunately, even so we're going to ram through tons of new legislation, round up lots of people, and suspend the presidential elections. Not postpone, mind you- SUSPEND! Muahahahahahaha!!!!" What the hell? The authors, and their character, are directly contradicting themselves within a page! It doesn't get much dumber than that. Anyway, Arthur makes a crack about Saul Alinsky being right about "the ends justify the means," which would be a lot more threatening if this weren't a variously debated point of philosophy stretching back to freaking Ovid (Exitus acta probat), and then takes a random swipe at evolution by repeating his whole social Darwinism schtick. He babbles on about how freedom is the exception, rather than the rule (1),* and then we run into a complete misunderstanding of history.

Page 277, Line 11-14:

"The United States should never have survived as long as it has, but all good things must come to an end. The system is broken beyond repair. It costs a billion dollars to run for president these days; Abraham Lincoln would never have lasted past the Iowa caucuses."

The what, now? The Iowa freaking caucuses? Good Lord, I think this man, the authors, or both, are actually stoopid. See, back when Abraham Lincoln was elected we didn't have the primary system as we know it now. We had parties, those parties had conventions, those conventions produced candidates, and those candidates ran in a race. Since the "reforms" that gave us primaries, we all get to directly pick our candidate, but that means that candidates essentially have to run multiple races to get one office. Of course it costs more! Not to mention the fact that there are more people now, so even if we assume that campaign technology hasn't improved in efficiency, it's going to cost more to get the same coverage. This entire crack about Lincoln is so dumb it's almost physically painful. But then, that's pretty much the case for the entire book. But, anyway, we're swinging in towards the big finish.

Page 277, Line 21-31:

"Whatever chance we have to take control of this world is in controlling who pulls the strings. Presidents, senators, governors- all of these come and go, but I and my peers have been here all along, raising them up and tearing them down. The real enduring powers in this world are older than any modern government, and it's past time that we put an end to these empty dreams of liberty. Now, we openly take the reins. Now, we'll give the people the government they've shown themselves to deserve. No one knows the people better than I do, and I know what they need. We'll give them a purpose: a simple, regimented, peaceful life with all the reasonable comforts, in service of something greater than any single, selfish nation."

Right, so, suddenly Arthur is sounding like Gargamel if Gargamel were obsessed with political systems rather than the Smurfs. It's hard to know what to say when a character jumps the shark to such a profound extent, especially when it's in comparison to their earlier still melodramatic performance. Yikes. And what's with that line about "controlling who pulls the strings"? If you control them, aren't you the one pulling the strings? Or do I somehow misunderstand the whole "pulling the strings" idiom? Anyway, Arthur talks about how he loved Noah's mom, and then decides to get all threatening and scary.

Page 278, Line 13-17:

"And as she lay dying, your mother told me that I should expect to see wonderful things from you, Noah. I've held on to that hope. But as I stood out there just now, watching outside this room for the preceding hour, I had to wonder if this was to be the end of my ambitions for you."

Right, so Noah's dad was watching him get tortured for an hour. Classy guy, eh? This makes me wonder about how last chapter the torturers cleaned him up before Arthur came in. At the time, it seemed like a move to hide what they were up to from their visitor. Alternatively, it could be seen as an effort to keep Noah from realizing that his dad was watching the whole time. And now it just seems like another example of awful writing. Woo-hoo?

Page 278, Line 19-27:

"Believe it or not, my boy, I won't live forever. There's much to do before I die; the outcome of my life's work is still very much in doubt, and I need help to see it through. I need your help."

"My wish has been that you would someday stand beside me as we bring forth this new world together. You have great gifts, Noah, but those gifts have been kept dormant by a trick of heredity. I know you've felt this conflict, and it must have been quite painful at times. You have your father's mind, but your mother's heart. Neither will permit the other to come to the fore." [emphasis original]

Man, I have seen this bit before and it was better the first time. Waaaaay better. So, unless Arthur is gonna chop Noah's hand off and offer to rule the galaxy together as father and son, this is just not going anywhere entertaining.

Page 278, Line 28:

"But it seems you may have been exposed to a disease...

Damnit, Molly!

Page 278, Line 28-31:

...in your thinking over the last few days. I'm familiar with this infection, and once it takes hold in a person I'm afraid it's shown itself to be quite incurable. It will be with you until you die, in other words."

Yeah. Needless to say, he's referring to Molly's way of thinking about the world, which I have to concede is a little diseased.

Page 279, Line 3-6:

The technicians had already begun their preparations. Now some brought heavy copper cables and electrodes and fastened these to various points on Noah's body with wraps of white tape. A cold dab of conductive gel was applied to his temple on one side, and then on the other.

Yeah, so this isn't looking like much fun. I have no idea what the intent is, unless Arthur just wants to torture the hell out of Noah. As for the temple electrodes... well, the thing is, if you pass a current across both hemispheres like that it dramatically increases the amount of memory loss you sustain from electroshock. So, basically, it looks like these guys just don't give a shit how much of Noah's "gifts" they fry away.

Page 279, Line 7-16:

"I'm here to save you, Noah," his father said, "one way or the other, and to preserve my legacy. One of two young men will leave this room with me. The first was taken hostage by this Ross woman and her terrorist militia, but he managed to escape and then bravely risked his life by standing in the road to prevent a group of policemen and federal agents from being killed in that terrible explosion in the desert. This man is a hero, and will carry on my work and be my eyes and ears in the field as our plans proceed."

"The other man played a part in a similar story, with one sad exception: This other man is dead."

Whelp, it was nice knowing you, Noah! Ah, that's a lie. It has at no point been even vaguely tolerable knowing this douchecanoe. Go ahead, Arthur! Shock him like it's going out of style!

Page 279, Line 18-19:

"And now," he said, "let's find out together, once and for all, if Noah Gardner is really his father's son."

This... really makes no sense at all. I mean, I can totally understand wanting to shock Noah. And it's not like we've ever had a main character do something useful in this book. But exactly how is shocking the crap out of Noah going to tell Arthur anything? In the world of faction is electroshock some sort of weird lie-detector, or what? I mean, seriously, what?

Alas, lie detector or not, that's the end of the chapter. Come back next time when we get to witness Noah being shocked and the authors make a desperate attempt at... I dunno, cleverness? Closure? A colon-derived plot twist? It's really hard to tell. But, regardless, it's gonna happen, so come on back.

Really! I'll get lonely otherwise.

* I'd just like to observe with no small amount of pleasure that the above is the last of the stupid fucking citations in this book. I am so excited by that, I can't even begin to explain. Needless to say, this also means we're very, VERY close to the end of the book, which makes my wife happier than I can easily describe.

Please stand by...

2012-01-04T09:29:00.003-07:00

I'm not dead. In fact, there'll be an Overton Window episode on Friday. I'm just dealing with... seasonal concerns.

Back soon!

The Overton Window: Chapter 45

2011-12-23T09:02:00.002-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that makes Fahrenheit-451 seem like a utopia. Last time Noah and Molly had a stupid fight, Noah jumped out of a moving car, and Molly was almost certainly killed by a nuclear weapon. What happens this week? Noah gets what we've wanted him to get all book. More or less.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for, frankly, hitting the nail on the head:

Let's follow Molly's logic here. If you knew the Nazis were killing large numbers of people, then you would be morally obligated to do something about it. Similarly, if you know the US government is killing people indiscriminately, Molly declares that you're morally obligated to stop it.

Now the logistics are unfortunate, because the US government is killing people in the middle east. Since neither political party seems likely to end this, there's nothing to do but go to the middle east and try to put a stop to it.

So, by Molly's logic, it's morally imperative to go to the middle east and oppose the American occupation. Apparently Molly is, and has always been, an al-Qaeda operative.

Or you can take the view that the constitution is the founding document of a republic, and that it's simply not possible to "live it" without granting a certain deference to the will of your fellow Americans, however stupid and bloodthirsty they may be at any given moment.

Indeed, the ridiculous irony of the entire book is that the sort of give-and-take and compromise that's necessary to make a democracy function is depicted as the exact antithesis of democracy. The key, we are told, to being a patriot is to zealously pursue whatever narrow self-interest you choose and to impose your will on the rest of your countrymen. And all I can say is that I'm glad we don't live in a world the authors' would like, because it's a horrid, oppressive place. Well done, Jay, and keep at it folks: we're nearing the finish line. Finally!

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Batteries not included.

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by my department chair.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman. Almost certainly dead from a nuclear blast.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise. Doomed to die of thirst/starvation/exposure.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 45: In which Noah gives us an excruciatingly dull account of harrowing torture, which is justified in passing.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 271, Line 1-3:

It could have been most of the night that they worked him over. It could have been days for all he knew. All sense of time had left him while he was still out there on the road.

That wouldn't be a bad opener if we were in a Cormac McCarthy novel. Alas, however, we are not, and Noah is anything but a sympathetic protagonist. Anyway, Noah recalls that after the mysterious "they" had run out of methods for interrogating him where they were, they drove him to an airport, put him on a plane, and took him elsewhere. Presumably this is extraordinary rendition and it couldn't have happened to a more deserving fellow.

Page 271, Line 8-16:

They knew a lot already. They knew that calls had been made from Noah's apartment to a long list of accomplices of a known agitator who'd conspired to destroy an American city or two. They knew that Noah helped one of the central figures in this conspiracy gain access to classified files and information. They knew that he'd helped her evade security and fly across the country to play her part in the failed attack. They knew that two nuclear weapons had fallen into the hands of these terrorists, and that one of them had detonated but the other was still unaccounted for.

Ooooh- dramatic! Or... something? The odd thing is that of the above, almost all of it is true. The two bits that strike me as somewhat less than accurate, however, are as follows. First, Molly didn't play any part in the bomb plot except, you know, to get blown up by it at the end. Yay? Second, it's weird to me that the other bomb would still be unaccounted for if they knew that there were two bombs to start with. I say that because the fissile material used in nuclear weapons is generally traceable, even after a detonation, with the right equipment. So, really, the U.S. should have been able to discern pretty rapidly that, yep, both weapons were present in the explosion. But whatever- who needs facts in this faction, anyhoo? Regardless, it's revealed that after a while a new group of interrogators get into the act with a new method: terror. No, really, that's what it says in the text.

Page 272, Line 5-13:

Strapped flat to a cold metal table, head immobilized and inclined to be lower than the feet, a wet cloth over the face to restrict his breathing- and then just a slight dripping of water, maybe half a glass, just enough to begin to run down his nostrils and into the throat. Some primitive part of the mind simply comes unhinged when it knows it's drowning and knows it can't get away. Try to be as strong as you want; it doesn't matter. If he'd actually known anything at all that they wanted to learn, before ten seconds had passed he would have told them, and they would have known he was telling the truth. [emphasis added]

Okay, so, first off, as descriptions of waterboarding go, that ain't bad, except that it's too clinical. A little first-person narration rather than this shit from a training manual would have been more compelling. Second, however, check out that last line- the bit about knowing that he was telling the truth. Seriously? Do we seriously believe that, crazy authors? Do you really believe that people being tortured are incapable of lying? Because they're not. See, when you torture someone you may get them to the point where they're willing to tell you anything just to get the torture to stop, but when we say "anything" we mean anything. It doesn't have to be true, it doesn't have to have a basis in fact, they just have to believe that if they tell it to you, they'll stop getting tortured. And therein lies the problem with torture- it provides the motivation, but unless you can independently verify what you're given, it's liable to be crap. Even worse, there's always the temptation to torture just a bit more to make sure you've got everything, thereby creating the temptation for the victim to start lying to satisfy you, which then reinforces your belief that you should torture still more to get the next bit of hidden intel. Torture an innocent man long enough and he'll tell you enough to "validate" the use of torture. And whether the information is good or not, you've still dishonored yourself.* But, hey, if the authors want to justify the utility of torture even as their own protagonist is being tortured by the bad guys, well, by all means! As the description goes on, it's revealed that the interrogators claim that they've worked over both Molly and Molly's mother, who gave up Noah's entire involvement. It doesn't seem to occur to Noah that, aside from desperately wanting inside Molly's pants, he's not really involved, and instead he focuses on something dumb.

Page 272, Line 21-26:

After all they'd put him through, Noah would have gladly believed almost anything they'd said, but even to his clouded, brutalized mind these last two assertions didn't ring true- those two [Molly and her mom] would never betray their cause. If Molly was going down, she would go down swinging and silent. Knowing that gave Noah the first bit of hope that he'd had in a long time.

I swear this moron has Stockholm syndrome. Although he's right, Molly has not in fact given him up to the authorities. Granted, it's because her corpse is tangled up in the melted, radioactive wreck of a rental car, but that's beside the point. Anyway, the authors continue to describe Noah's harrowing torture, eventually giving us this gem:

Page 272, Line 29-31:

They seemed to take his complete lack of useful knowledge as a sign of stubborn resistance to their questioning. And, after all, you never know when a valuable little nugget of intel might surface.

Right, and that is exactly my point about torture: how do you tell the difference between resistance and ignorance? Well, you can't, so you just keep torturing until you run out of time or they tell you something, thereby justifying (to you) the torture. Can someone please tell me why we're still having this kind of debate about jurisprudence? Regardless, the narrative indicates that at this point the torture suddenly stops, the interrogators clean Noah up and make him look less like he's been getting tortured, and they put their tools away. Visit from the Red Cross perhaps? Yeah, I'm guessing not.

Page 273, Line 13-18:

A number of dark plastic surveillance domes were distributed across the ceiling. The chief interrogator looked up at one of the cameras and made a gesture to those watching to indicate that the subject was now ready to receive his guest. On that cue, the tiny red lights of the surveillance cameras winked out in sequence.

A few seconds later, a figure appeared in the open doorway.

Jesus does the writing in this book suck. I mean, "...made a gesture to those watching to indicate that the subject was ready..."? Couldn't they have just written "...gave a thumbs up"? It would have been much, much more evocative and would have told us exactly the same damned thing. And what is going on here? Who is so secret that his or her presence is actually more shocking than actual torture?

Well, if you want to know you'll have to come back next week, because this is the end of an admittedly short and stupid chapter. So, join us then when we reveal Noah's mystery guest and get to listen to yet another stupid speech.

Toodles!

* A great fictional treatment of these issues, actually, can be found in Susan R. Matthews' "An Exchange of Hostages"

The Overton Window: Chapter 44

2011-12-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that I simply don't know how to explain to my daughter. Last time Danny and Stu lost the will to live and allowed themselves to be reduced to incandescent vapor. What happens this week? We return to Noah and Molly who have- hands down- the most bizarre exchange in the book.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Ken for at least providing supporting evidence:

By the way, it's not just that they stay on the truck for three miles--it's that they set the thing for three miles, specifically, and then stay there.

Yes, the chance grows greater that your terrorist will stop the farther (away) you let him get. But three miles was arbitrary in the first place.

Maybe it's the length of time Stuart thinks it would take Danny to give him a blow job. (Textual evidence: Kearns offers Danny "a cigarette.") But at any rate--even if you know the road, and the GPS coordinates three miles therefrom--it's silly to set it for any distance if you're not going to jump, and not to set it for a longer distance if you are.

Only authors who believe Glenn Beck's--er, Danny's--"I'm getting too old for this Shitty Organization" speech is more important than successfully stopping a terrorist organization would select this trick of the tail.

Indeed, leaving matters of potential fellatio aside (although it would explain the leg tapping from a few chapters back...) this is an excellent point. Why not just blow the damn thing up right away? Why take the chance? For a shitty speech? Well, apparently, yes. Because this book is just basically a random collection of vaguely unfortunate events that provide the connective tissue between shitty speeches. Yay? Well done, Ken, and keep at it folks. The dumb ain't over yet.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Some assembly may be required.

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by my buddy from high school.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old. Died pointlessly in a nuclear detonation.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 44: In which Molly and Noah have a totally incoherent exchange.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 267, Line 1-2:

"We got you?" Molly shouted. "We got you? Are you really self-centered enough to believe that any of this is about you?" [emphasis original]

Okay, okay, woah there, super-bitch! I don't like Noah any more than you do- indeed, I rather suspect that I like him less than you do- but that seems like an unreasonable reaction. You have been leading the guy on for personal gain for basically the entire book- that makes his anger justified, you know? Yes, your goal isn't to harm him specifically but, nevertheless, he has a legitimate grievance here. And oddly, Noah seems to realize that, too.

Page 267, Line 4-5:

"You people could have killed me, for God's sake, so maybe you can forgive me for taking this personally."

Indeed, in a startling break from the usual, Noah actually has a good point here. He has every reason to be angry with Molly and I've been wondering for some time why he isn't more angry. And no, "Molly's tits" and "Molly's mom" are not acceptable answers. Nor is "Molly's mom's tits". I mean, seriously, people!

Page 267, Line 6-8:

"Hollis stayed with you every minute until they came for you; he made sure you were okay. I'm so sorry you've got a headache now, but nobody tried to kill you."

This line is interesting, and revolting, in my opinion. First off, Noah never said that Molly tried to kill him, he said that Molly took action that placed his life in danger. That's a different thing- more akin to accidentally killing a woman whom you secretly dosed with rohypnol so you could rape her. Actually, it's almost exactly akin to that given that Molly did, in fact, secretly sedate Noah. In either case, the perpetrator wouldn't have meant to kill the person, but would nonetheless have been responsible if they did. Second, Molly's defense that Hollis was there the whole time makes no sense unless Hollis is- at a minimum- a freaking EMT with the proper equipment. I've got pretty good first aid skills and, I gotta be honest, if someone stopped breathing because they were heavily drugged or otherwise had a life threatening reaction (e.g. tachycardia, hypotension, etc...) I'd have a very hard time dealing with it. Most low tech first-aid is based on the assumption that the body is working with you in some way to stay alive, an assumption largely negated by the use of drugs, which trick the body into doing shit it otherwise wouldn't. And since the average person doesn't have anything to counteract said drugs with, it's a bad situation. So, unless we're willing to accept that in addition to being able to determine the time from the stars (Page 97, Line 25-29) and lecture people on ammunition making (Pages 158-160 or so) Hollis is also a medical professional (who just happens to prefer overalls), Molly's defense is utterly absurd. Third, there's the issue that Molly is allegedly fighting for individual freedom but in this scene is basically saying, "Hey, sure we violated your right to make your own decisions by drugging the crap out of you, but since we didn't really mean to kill you, and took half-assed measures to make sure you didn't accidentally die, you can't get angry". Does this reflect how the authors feel about civil liberties? Seriously?! And then, last but not least, Molly is basically talking down to Noah like he's a child- which he does deserve- but for objecting to being placed in danger against his will for her selfish interests- which is a valid objection. And we as the readers are clearly supposed to side with Molly. Good lord, these people are seriously deranged. Honestly, the only consistent way to account for Molly's actions is to conclude that she's either (a) bipolar, (b) a psychopathic secret agent or (c) some combination thereof. And yet... that doesn't seem to be what the authors intend. Noah continues to bitch at her for the way she's treating him, she claims that she's done it all because she's trying to stop the conspiracy- whatever the hell it is since they don't actually know at this point- and she says that she had to try even if she knows her effort is doomed to failure.

Page 268, Line 5-8:

"You don't have to try. I [Noah] told you, we can both ride this thing out. I can't believe I'm hearing myself say this, but I still want to help you, Molly. That cabin in the woods that you talked about, wherever you want to go until this blows over, I can still make that happen." [emphasis original]

Never in the history of human events has one man wanted tail so much from a woman of so few virtues. I mean, good freaking lord! By this point she's repeatedly deceived him, drugged him unconscious, left him in the care of a yeti/rapist, deceived him again, and basically coerced him into protecting her against his own interests. And yet he's still desperate to become her sugar daddy. What does he think her vagina is made out of- heroin?

Page 268, Line 9-13:

"How dare you dangle that in front of me again! What do you think, that I don't want it? That I don't want you? Don't you think I'm scared, and I dream some nights about getting away and never having another worry about the people like your father and what they're trying to turn this world into?" [emphasis original]

Actually, Molly, yes, none of us really see any reason to think you "want" Noah. To this point you've done nothing but deceive and exploit him and, when he finally calls you on it, you basically told him to stop being such a whiny bitch. There is NOTHING in your behavior that is in any way consistent with you wanting anything to do with Noah. But, alas, we're in a novel that is not populated with humans but instead with some sort of perverse simulacra thereof, and so nothing really works as it ought to. That includes this scene, which at its best resembles nothing so much as an incoherent fight between a couple. And that's awkward and unpleasant to witness under any circumstances, even in print in a shitty novel. Anyway, Molly reminds Noah of how he claimed to get what she and her ilk are up to, he reiterates that he does, and then we're off again.

Page 268, Line 20-27:

"No, you don't, Noah. You have no idea. You think knowing the truth is enough? A lot of people know the truth, and nothing changes. So today, after twenty-eight years of drifting through life and taking everything from this country and never giving anything back, today you tell me you've finally seen the light and that's supposed to mean something to me?"

"Doesn't it?"

"Once you know the truth," Molly said, "then you've got to live it. That's all I'm trying to do."

And frankly her truth scares the shit out of me. Any time truth justifies what amounts to a quasi-terrorist insurrection I think we should be a little concerned. I'm also not sure what to make of the whole "taking everything from this country" bit. What the hell does that even mean in this context? Sadly, we never get to find out because at that moment Molly, and Noah, notice that there are a shit-ton of cops coming up behind them. Noah has this stupid moment of truth and decides to become a man of action. Okay, no, that's not quite it: he's so determined to get into Molly's panties that he decides to put his money where his mouth is and demonstrate how determined he is to save the country by jumping out of a moving car. Nope, not kidding.

Page 269, Line 16-23:

"Slow dow," Noah said. "I'm getting out."

"What?"

"Don't stop, just let me out." He cracked the door and the wind whipped inside, and she let her foot off the gas and braked until the car had slowed to the point where he might just survive if he stepped out onto the road whizzing by under them. There was no way to be sure if she understood what he was doing; no time to explain. Maybe he'd never know, but like she said, none of this was really about Noah Gardner.

Just... wow. What a putz.

Page 269, Line 24-32:

He took a last look at Molly. There were tears in her eyes but she kept them firmly fixed on the way ahead.

"Good-bye," Noah said.

She answered, but so quietly and privately that the words clearly weren't intended to reach him. If they were never to see each other again, it seemed, this was just something that she must have wanted read into the record. Wishful thinking, maybe, but he felt he knew in his heart exactly what she's said.

I love you, too. [emphasis original]

Delusion, thy name is Noah Gardner. Indeed, this is just another of the many examples where I'm forced to conclude that this entire romance is pure invention on the part of Noah. Hell, Molly hasn't even been nice to him, really, at any point, so I think we should just assume that, in fact, he's a delusional moron and move on. Anyway, Noah stands in the middle of the road right before a bridge over a shallow wash, the cops are forced to stop so as to avoid hitting him. Cops hop out and come running towards him to, we can only hope, club him unconscious and then drama happens.

Page 270, Line 20-25:

And then they disappeared, as did the rest of the world, in a silent split-second flash of bright white light from behind him. It was so bright that it crossed the senses. He could feel it on his back, he could hear the light and smell it. When his vision returned Noah saw the officers standing in the road where they'd been, some covering their eyes, but most looking past him, blank-faced, their hands hanging down at their sides.

Right, so, obviously a nuclear detonation. Keep that description in mind- it'll be important later.

Page 270, Line 26-31:

He turned to look back over his shoulder, in the direction Molly had gone, and miles away he saw the rising mushroom cloud, a massive, roiling ball of fire ascending slowly into the evening sky. The expanding circle of a shock wave was tearing across the open desert toward them, toward everything in all directions, and a few seconds later it arrived with a crack of thunder and the sudden gust of a hot summer wind.

Okay, so, here's the thing: Noah got out of the car, let Molly keep driving, and then a nuke went off. Problem is, Molly was heading towards the blast. So what's happened to her? You might think we can't know but, thanks to the wonderfully detailed description above, we know a few things. First, Noah felt the thermal pulse from the blast on his back. This means that he had a direct line of sight to the explosion. Given the curvature of the earth and average male height this implies that he's about four kilometers from ground zero (that's about 2.5 miles, which is consistent with the authors' description that the mushroom cloud was "miles away"). Now, keep in mind that he could be closer- it's just that he can't really be any farther way than that. What else can we tell? Well, the sound of the detonation is described as arriving with the shockwave, which tells us that the shockwave traveled at mach 1. That translates to about 340 meters per second, and thus the shockwave would need about 12 seconds to reach Noah. That sounds consistent with his description of having felt the explosion, turned around, observed the mushroom cloud, then observed the shockwave, and only then being engulfed, so we'll stick with the 4 kilometer figure. It's hard to tell how big the detonation was- last chapter I argued it shouldn't be more than 1 kiloton- but the flash of the detonation is described as being "split second". The fireball from a 1 kiloton blast would only last two-tenths of a second, which is awfully short (I'm relying on the nuke effects calculator from last time here). On the other hand a 30 kiloton blast would produce a fireball which would survive for about nine-tenths of a second. It's a little hard to guess what the authors meant by "split second" but let's assume they meant something akin to its literal meaning and the blast was 9 kilotons, giving a fireball duration of 0.5 seconds. At that size, everything within 1.7 kilometers would essentially be destroyed by the thermal pulse (i.e. lethal third-degree burns), within 1.5 kilometers would be destroyed by the compression wave, everything within 900 meters would be killed by the overpressure, and anyone within 1.3 kilometers has just received a lethal dose of radiation. With me so far? Good.

So where was Molly in relation to the blast? Well, we don't know her speed, but Noah described it as fast and scary. For the sake of argument, we'll go with 70 miles per hour which is about 113 kilometers per hour, or 1.88 kilometers a minute. Based on the description as well as speed limits out west, I actually think this is somewhat conservative, but whatever. Noah had Molly drop him off because they were being pursued by cops who were apparently gaining on them. We'll give the cops a speed of ninety miles per hour or 145 kilometers per hour, which works out to 2.42 kilometers per minute. Noah and Molly could not have seen the cops before they were above the horizon, which means within about 4 kilometers. If we assume the cops were 3 kilometers back when Molly dropped Noah off, it would take them about 1.24 minutes for them to reach Noah, assuming that they could stop instantaneously. In that time, assuming that Molly could instantaneously return to 113 kph (yes, I know she can't, but the cops can't stop instantly either, and the assumptions partially cancel each other out. Besides, I'm waaaay too lazy to worry about acceleration curves, particularly given that we have no idea what anyone is driving or how slow Molly was really going when Noah jumped out.) in 1.24 minutes she could cover 2.33 kilometers. And keep in mind that after the cops arrived they stopped, tried to get around Noah, and then dismounted and approached him. We'll allocate another 30 seconds for that which allows Molly to travel an additional 0.94 kilometers for a total of 3.27 kilometers. Given that Noah is 4 kilometers from ground zero, that puts Molly at 4-3.27=0.73 kilometers from the point of detonation. As a result, with a nine kiloton weapon, Molly has received a fatal dose of radiation and received third degree burns over any exposed skin. She's also within the area of widespread destruction from the compression wave, which probably totaled her car, and she's most likely blind- if only temporarily- from the flash. So much for Molly. But, hey, what if it was only a 1 kiloton weapon like I thought? Well, in that case she just misses the worst of the thermal pulse, which gives third degree burns out to only 687 meters, but is within the zone of widespread destruction from the compression wave (739 meters) and has received a lethal dose of ionizing radiation (840 meters). So, again, Molly is most likely dead and/or blind. And even if she missed the area of third degree burns, that doesn't mean she doesn't have massive second degree burns on every inch of exposed skin. She is not having a good day.

Now, aside from the fact that this all works out to be the most bizarre SAT question ever, I bring this up because in virtually any situation we can imagine, Molly is currently dead or VERY badly injured as she was less than 1 kilometer from a nuclear detonation of at least 1 kiloton. And to think Mister Troll was worried. So does this mean she's really dead?

Well, if you want to know you'll have to come back again, because this brings us to the end of the chapter. Come back next time when Noah gets his just desserts. It'll be fun!

I just can't stop laughing at this.

2011-12-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

Seriously, best meme ever? Good Guy Lucifer:

Aaaaaand... random idiot who thinks my amusement at this is "proof" that atheists secretly worship satan* in 3... 2... 1...

* For the record, we don't, because we don't f-ing believe in satan. Or god. Or gods. Or angels. Or whatever. We're ATHEISTS for crying out loud.

The Overton Window: Chapter 43

2011-12-09T09:06:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that makes the founding fathers wish that they had somehow been even more clear. Last time Noah got all pouty because Molly did what Molly has been doing since this stupid book began. What happens this week? We return to Stuart and Danny who have managed to trap themselves in the back of a terrorist van in the middle of the desert. So, yeah, things are going as per normal for Stu.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Mister Troll for his prophetic vision:

Shift-option eight. Glad to help.

So all the characters are gathering near a nuclear weapon? Dare we hope?

So, first off, thanks for the educational tip about the ° symbol. Second, however: yes, you should dare to hope because without hope, what is life? Thanks for playing, Mister Troll, and keep it up, everyone! We're nearly to the end.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Poof!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by a twenty sided die.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 43: In which Danny and Stuart die. Finally.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 262, Line 1-5:

"Nine-one-one, this call is recorded, what's your emergency?"

Wherever they were going, the ride was awfully rough. Danny was holding on tight to a cargo strap near the open door at the rear of the moving truck, the only place in the metal compartment with a signal solid enough to make a call on Kearns's satellite phone.

I'll admit it- this is the closest to heroic that Danny has ever, and will ever, get. So, how impressed do you think we'll be with his follow through? Well, he tells the operator he's in the desert with an FBI special agent and a possible nuclear weapon. They, logically enough, ask for his location, and then things get silly. Well, sillier.

Page 262, Line 11-14:

"Listen, I know what you people can do. You already know where I am better than I do, you know whose phone I'm calling from, you know the route I'm on, and in about ten seconds you'll be sure who I am because you'll have verified my voiceprint, so stop wasting my time."

Right- he does okay at first, and then wanders off into paranoia land. Yes, the U.S. government has some neat technology, but is Danny conceited enough to believe that he's on a "surveil at all costs" list? Does he think that local 9-1-1 systems are thoroughly integrated into the national intelligence system? Does he think the Masons run the world? Just at the moment, it seems like the answer to all these questions is "yes" and, painfully enough, the authors appear to agree.

Page 262, Line 15-17:

Some odd noise broke onto the line for a time; not interference, but a series of electronic clicks, tones, and dropouts.

"Okay, good deal, is everybody on now? Everybody listening?"

On the one hand, I kind of wish that the U.S. intelligence community were this freaking efficient. We'd all be a lot safer from al Qaeda. On the other hand, I'm glad it isn't, since that helps with the whole civil liberties thing. And on the gripping hand, I'm suddenly wondering if Glenn Beck is the sort of guy who checks his soap for listening devices. Because they could be anywhere, you know. Anyway, Danny puts the phone down near the open door so that the authorities can track it (track a SATELLITE phone, mind you, which is not an easy task) and checks on Stuart, who has been shot in the leg and is examining the nondescript bundle they saw in the truck.

Page 263, Line 11-19

Agent Kearns had said that after these last few years of working this operation undercover- all the while doing his best to appear to be a raving militant agitator who'd turned against his government and was openly calling for a violent revolution- he really had only one remaining contact in the FBI. His frightening online persona was well-known to tens of thousands of fringe group wackos and law enforcement personnel alike, but only one person alive could have credibly testified that Stuart Kearns was actually a loyal American doing his duty to protect and defend the United States. And here was that person, dead.

Okay, so, is anyone surprised by this turn of events? Anyone at all? Because they basically foreshadowed this with a neon sign. And I mean a big neon sign. Like, if you built a neon sign that covered the near hemisphere of the freaking moon. But, hey, whatever, act surprised and horrified and then lets get on with our business. In this case our business is watching Danny draw Stuart's attention to the next stop on the tour- the torpedo shaped doohickey they're sharing the truck with.

Page 264, Line 1-4:

"This looks like an old Mark 8 atomic bomb," Kearns said, "from the early 1950s." He pulled the light closer and ran his hands over the surface, stopping at a series of seals and stickers that carried dates and the initials of inspectors. "It's been maintained all these years."

We're going to geek out a little bit about nuclear weapons in this chapter, so we may as well get started now. The venerable Mark 8 is a gun-style bunker-buster type weapon. It's heavy as fuck, built like a tank, and has a yield of between 25 and 30 kilotons. By comparison, it's progenitor, the Mark 1 "Little Boy" atomic bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima had a yield of 13-18 kilotons. All that being said, the Mark 8 is in a size class that would currently place it essentially in the tactical rather than strategic range. So, for example, the B83 is currently the most powerful nuclear weapon in the U.S. inventory, and it clocks in at 1.2 megatons. By comparison, the Mark 8 is a measly 0.03 megatons (Seriously! It's just the metric system but, if that scares you, here's a handy calculator). So, this isn't what you'd call a big nuclear weapon, although in comparison to most conventional weaponry, there's really no such thing as a small one. Anyway, just humor me, as this will become relevant in a bit. Leaving all the geekery aside, however, there's the additional question: if the terrorists already had one nuclear weapon, why did they bring it to the meeting with the guys who were going to sell them a second?

Page 264, Line 5-10:

"So this is a live one, then?" [Danny asked]

"Sure looks that way to me." A line of heavy metal conduit ran from the rear of the thing and Kearns followed it with a finger, pointing. The tubing went across the floor and through the wall to the driver's compartment. "And it looks like they've jury-rigged it to be set off from the front seat."

Now, we should keep in mind that when we were introduced to Kearns' fake bomb way back in the day (Page 172, Line 1-11) we were specifically told that it was made to look legitimate. Given the involvement of Kearns' supervisor in all this, we have no real reason not to suspect this one of being a mock up. Except, of course, that we're in a crappy novel. I also find it suspicious that the terrorists would have embedded the control cable in a conduit, almost as though they expected to have hostile, yet unarmed, parties in the back at this point. Most curious. Anyway, Danny states that the whole thing is a setup and Kearns asks why.

Page 264, Line 16-18:

"It's like I told you before. Whoever's behind this needed a patsy for a false-flag domestic attack, Stuart, and that's you. And they needed to make my people the enemy, and that's why I'm here."

Never mind that, arguably, his "people" WERE the enemy, given that his fan club is trying to nuke Las Vegas. I mean, yeah, maybe they had help, but...

Page 264, Line 26-32:

"Well, whoever's behind this, we've screwed up their plans for now." [Kearns said]

"But not for much longer. This guy's driving somewhere like he means to get where he's going, but if he calms down long enough to stop and come back here to check his load, we're toast. We're unarmed, and he'll just stand back and shoot us like fish in a barrel. Then he'll go to Vegas tonight and do what he's going to do. We can't wait for him to do that."

Kearns looked up at him. "So what do we do?"

This bit is interesting to me because, while we knew that Danny had shot his gun dry, we did not know that Kearns was dry as well. Oh, if you count shots in the relevant chapter (Chapter 41) you can find explicit mention of five and then an implied sixth. We don't know for sure what weapon Kearns was carrying- Danny referred to it as a .38, which is a type of round as opposed to a firearm- but the authors probably meant for us to assume a snub nosed revolver. Thing is, I find it odd that Kearns wouldn't have at least one speed loader on him. Additionally, we're assuming the terrorist who jumped in the truck and left in a panic is armed, which seems like a risky assumption. Finally, you've gotta love that somehow Danny is better in a crisis situation than the FBI agent. What the hell?

Page 265, Line 3:

"I've got an idea," Danny said, "but I don't know if you'll like it."

Oh, I strongly suspect nobody will like it, Danny. Really! Anyway, they go over to where their fake bomb is, sit down, and take out its arming keys.

Page 265, Line 10-11:

If one of these bombs was real, then it stood to reason that they both were real. And there was really only one way to find out.

Okay, we're abusing the term "reason" here. First, we don't know that either bomb is real. Second, the reality of one device doesn't in any way imply the reality of the other. And third, if you were lucky enough to come into possession of TWO nuclear weapons, why would you have both of them in the truck when one of them blew up? Nukes ain't like dynamite- setting off one doesn't set off the other, it just blows the other the hell up. Yes, you COULD set them off simultaneously, but I don't think that would be very useful and, frankly, it'd be a difficult engineering challenge to make sure they were triggered in just the right order and fast enough to ensure that each of them completed their operational cycles and exploded before the detonation from the other arrived. So, if you managed to get two live weapons, you'd send one off to blow up Vegas NOW and save the OTHER one for later. And don't tell me the terrorists were planning to do that- they would have brought another vehicle with them. So, in short, we have good reason to think that the terrorists, at least, only believed one weapon to be genuine. But, whatever, here we go. They activate the bomb, set it's GPS coordinates for three miles down the road, and arm it. So, in other words, when the truck travels three more miles, boom! Assuming that this thing is real, anyway. Keep that in mind- it'll be important later. Anyway, Kearns offers Danny a cigarette, Danny declines, and then reminds Stu of his oath to protect and defend the constitution, basically pointing out that he's about to do just that. Stuart likes that idea and then asks Danny how he feels about his imminent conversion to incandescent gas.

Page 266, Line 15-21:

"Me? Oh, this is the perfect way for me to go out, really. The more I think about it, the more I realize I must have outstayed my welcome in my own movement. I take that back; it's not even mine anymore. If guys like these can agree with anything I say, then I've been saying something wrong. And you know what, Stuart? A long time ago I pledged my life, my fortune, and my sacred honor to this country, and now I get to give all three of them at once."

Man, this is just the most trite heroic death scene ever. And shit, I have SEEN Starship Troopers so I know what I'm talking about.* Anyway, after discussing how someday some crazy conspiracy theorist like Danny will piece together the truth the boys share a final, tender moment.

Page 266, Line 29-30:

He reached out a hand and Danny Bailey took it in a firm clasp of solidarity, and just a moment later, they were gone.

Aaaaaand that's it: Danny and Stuart have been blown up in an atomic explosion. Now, lay aside the tremendous relief you feel at that notion and ask yourself something: why the hell didn't they jump out of the truck? See, nuclear weapons are powerful, yes, but they're not supernatural death gods, they have limits, and in this case the limits are pronounced. Given the description in the book, Danny and Stu most likely set off a W54 warhead in an SADM configuration. That particular device has a variable yield that tops out at one kiloton. That's ONE kiloton, or 0.001 megatons. That's pretty small for a nuke, and it forces us to ask: if they had exited the truck when they were still three miles from ground zero, would they have survived? Well, when it comes to nukes, one of three things can kill you. First, there's the ionizing radiation, which can turn you into jelly from the inside out. To kill you, though, you have to be mighty close to the blast. Second, there's the thermal pulse- the blast applies so much heat to you so quickly you burn up, either immediately or are burned so severely you can't survive long. Finally, there's mechanical force- the compression or blast wave, which can kill you directly if the overpressure is high enough, or can riddle you with shrapnel. Given that we're out in the middle of fuckall nowhere, we're going to ignore the possible dangers of mass fire (although if you're curious, Lynn Eden has a wonderful book on the subject). So how bad would these effects be from a one kiloton blast at three miles? Well, using a handy nuke effects calculator the answer is: not very. You'd see third degree burns out to about 700 meters, near total fatalities from the compression wave to 300 meters and widespread destruction from same to about 740 meters, and lethal ionizing radiation to 840 meters. Given that a mile is about 1600 meters, our "heroes" could have set their bomb and been about 4800 meters from ground zero when the weapon detonated, well outside any of the lethal radii. Hell, if they stayed down after they stopped rolling they would almost certainly have been below the horizon** and therefore shielded from the blast effects that require direct line of sight (i.e. the radiation and the thermal pulse). Yes, they would have been banged up, but if they survived the fall they would have lived. But what if it wasn't a W54? Well, it was, because nukes are freaking heavy, and they couldn't have lifted the damn thing otherwise, but fine, let's assume that the weapon they set off was actually equivalent to a Mark 8, meaning 30 kilotons (i.e. 0.03 megatons). At that yield, the third degree burns would extend to 2.8 kilometers, near total fatalities from the compression wave to 860 meters with widespread destruction from same to 2.3 kilometers, and lethal ionizing radiation to 1.6 kilometers. However, a mile equals about 1.6 kilometers, so our "heroes" would have been around 4.8 kilometers from the center of the blast. In this case, yeah, they'd almost certainly get hurt, but again they'd probably survive just fine. Now, Stuart is a trained FBI agent and knows his nukes well enough to identify a Mark 8 by sight, so how the hell did he not know that they could have screwed up the conspiracy's plans even more by setting the bomb, hopping out, surviving, and then telling their story afterward? Either because he's an idiot or the authors are lazy, and I leave it to you to decide which is more likely.

But, likely or not, that does bring us to the end of our chapter. Come back next time when we rejoin Noah, who throws a hissy fit. Good times, eh?

* I actually really like the book, but the movie is just awful. ** This, as a side note, is the real reason for the old "duck and cover" drills: by getting down you get below the horizon and may miss some of the blast effects. It's also the reason for an air burst detonation.

Seriously?!

2011-12-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

We're doing this now? With a democratic administration. Seriously? Even though the FDA has recommended making plan B available over the counter we're not going to just because:

According to the New York Times, today marks a strange moment in history, the first time the Health and Human Services Secretary has ever overruled an FDA decision. And boy, the FDA is struggling not to sound completely irate over this decision. It’s hard to blame them, as Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has just rejected all available scientific evidence, her traditional pro-choice politics, the advice of all the relevant medical academies, and basic common sense to tell the FDA that they cannot make Plan B emergency contraception available over the counter to anyone who wishes to buy it. Right now, in violation of a judge’s orders, the FDA has restricted OTC sales of Plan B to women 17 and older, even though there’s no scientific evidence to suggest it’s harmful to younger women. The FDA finally came to its senses on this issue, only to have this victory for women’s health snatched away at the last minute by Sebelius, sending shocks of confusion and betrayal through the pro-choice community, who always thought of Sebelius as a member in good standing.

You know, I have a daughter, and some day she's going to have sex. Maybe with a man, maybe with a woman, maybe with both. I hope she waits until she's old enough and mature enough to avoid the really dumb mistakes* but she'll have to make her own choices, and live with the consequences. But why exactly would those consequences have to include an unintended pregnancy forced on her by the medieval mores of a vocal minority? I know we're coming up on an election but do we have to play politics with everything?

Seriously, Sebelius, what the FUCK?

* I'm not naive enough to think she'll manage to avoid the only sorta dumb mistakes.

I feel weirdly complimented by this.

2011-12-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Those of you who read this crap with any frequency are well aware of my long-standing fascination with Conservapedia. Seriously, I have been writing about them for a long, long time. Partly, I think this fascination is born out of an interest in how people with very different perspectives think. I am, after all, a social scientist. Partly, however, I think my fascination derives from a base impulse to point and laugh at things I view as stupid. And Conservapedia has an awful lot of very amusing stupid. Alas, however, my fondness for Conservapedia has always been unreciprocated.* That is, until now.

As it turns out, one of the Conservapeons has taken note of my solitary toil over here on Blogger** and decided to respond. Sort of. I refer, of course, to their new page Conservapedia Proven Right:

The heading text, as you can see, explains that it's a page dedicated to all the times that Conservapedia has been correct about something. I won't do an exhaustive analysis of this very short list- in part because it appears to have been written by someone who never really mastered English- but, believe it or not, I am actually mentioned therein:

So let's go through this. First, there's the "Conservapedia Statement":

Conservapedia mentions that some Americans are turning to self-employment during the economic downturn as jobs are difficult to come by. In addition, Conservapedia mentions developing multiple streams of income in case the economy goes into a depression and many people lose their jobs. Conservapedia also gives resources and suggestions for low cost businesses.

Yeah, okay, I remember that. Next comes the column "Liberal claptrap in response":

The liberal "graduate student at a sociology department somewhere in the United States" at the Total Drek blog seems to shiver in horror at the hard work involved. In addition, he appears to want people to have a defeatist cry in their beer attitude instead of having a proactive and creative can do attitude. In 2011, Conservapedia indicates that a sociology major is one of the worst college majors to have.

Um... huh? That doesn't really sound like me, you know? I'm not actually afraid of hard work, nor do I want people to have a defeatist attitude. So what did I actually say? Well, if we follow their link we do, indeed, reach one of my posts about Conservapedia. First off, I provide a quote from their main page, which I will reproduce below:

Rather than searching for decent jobs that are very hard to find, some Americans are deciding to become self-employed. Robert P. Murphy, an economist at the Mises Institute, recommends that one of the best measures to protect against a future economic depression is to develop multiple streams of income rather than risk depending on one or two income sources which may disappear in a depression. In the present economic crises, Americans are using creative ways to launch a wide variety of low cost businesses.

Okay, so, the logic is clear: since the economy is uncertain, maybe you should have multiple streams of income. Fine. Great. But my comments on the subject more or less make the point that while this is good in theory, in practice it's often not practical, and I end in my usual pseudo-profound manner:

And this is, I think, what bothers me most about Conservapedia's "silver lining" that people are starting businesses. These aren't heroic entrepreneurs, they're desperate people who are just trying to survive any way that they can and, unfortunately, for every one of these folks who succeed, there will likely be dozens who don't. It reminds me of nothing so much as that scene in Roger & Me where a woman is selling rabbits for pets or meat in order to stay afloat.

I just never watched that movie before and thought that she was living the American dream.

So, in other words, the fact that people are becoming "forced entrepreneurs" isn't a sign of how great the U.S. is but of how hard things have become. Also, I'm frankly arguing that responding to people who are in a precarious financial position with, "Well, then go work harder!" is often not realistic or helpful.

But, to get back to Conservapedia in the present, what do they say is the result?***

Barack Obama's "stimulus" package fails. Many Americans lose their jobs and have their unemployment benefits run out. In 2011, Fox News reports that most unemployed no longer receive unemployment benefits. Homelessness increases and "Obamavilles" spring up. Unemployment in the United States and many other countries remains high. In 2011, Cafe Press is selling unemployed sociology major bumper stickers.

And this is an utter non sequitur. I mean, what the shit does this have to do with anything that I wrote? And I don't even know what to do with that Cafe Press reference. Leaving aside that the bar for selling something on Cafe Press is absurdly low- hell, I have a store, which I guess means I also have a second stream of income****- I was a sociology major in college and have been continuously employed for over a decade. Ah, well. All we have left is the "date of result" column, which in my case is truly bizarre:

World economy continues to skate on thin ice and the Eurozone is experiencing significant economic problems.

I don't know what kind of calendar Conservapedia uses, but I'm pretty sure that isn't a "date".

So what should we take from this? Well, basically nothing, but since the Conservapeons went to all that trouble to write me a love letter, I thought that the least I could do was respond.

Kiss, kiss, boys!

* Well, unless you count that one time when Schlafly actually commented on one of my posts. Granted, he completely missed the point, but that's pretty much normal for him, no? ** On a related note: Jesus, I still use blogger? Who uses blogger anymore? Hasn't everyone moved to Wordpress? I realized how long I've actually been keeping this place open recently when the service I used for my blogroll actually closed. I feel old. *** Yeah, they refer to that column as "Result". I don't know if they think that my comments had a causal relation, or what, but there you go. **** Not true. So far as I can tell, nobody has ever purchased anything. But, then again, I'm selling it all at cost, so it's irrelevant either way.

So that's... unfortunate.

2011-12-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Just to make sure my life didn't contain any rays of sunshine, Sassafras was nice enough to note that, as it turns out, people like atheists even less than I thought. Apparently, people think atheists are about as trustworthy as rapists. No, that's not a joke, that's the study:

Many religious people don’t like atheists, and in fact would apparently rate them alongside rapists on levels of trust, suggests a new Canadian study that claims to be one of the first psychological probes into anti-atheist prejudice.

...

“There’s this persistent belief that people behave better if they feel like God is watching them,” said Will Gervais, lead study author and doctoral candidate in the social psychology department at UBC. “So if you’re playing by those rules, you’re going to see other people’s religious beliefs as signals of how trustworthy they might be.”

I always find it rather creepy when people tell me that the only reason someone would refrain from murder, rape, and so forth is because of the constant supervision of an infinitely powerful being. Seriously? The only reason you don't violently abuse others is because you're afraid of punishment? And somehow that makes atheists- who apparently can and do control themselves in the absence of constant supervision- less trustworthy? Is this really the only world I can live in? Alas, yes, it really is. On the "positive" side, however, it turns out that atheists still come out on top in other respects:

The first study asked 351 Americans from across the country to compare the trustworthiness of an atheist and a gay man, since both represent groups often described as threatening to majority religious values. They rated atheists significantly higher than gay men on distrust, though lower on levels of disgust. [emphasis added]

Okay, great, so in the eyes of many of my fellow Americans, I'm less trustworthy than a gay man, but also less disgusting. So... yay? One shudders to think what these people would make of Stephen Fry. Still, the discussion of this finding by one of the authors is too funny not to share:

“It’s pretty shocking that we get the same magnitude of distrust towards atheists simply because they don’t believe [in God],” said the researcher, who is himself an atheist. “With rapists, they’re distrusted because they rape people. Atheists are viewed as sort of a moral wild card.”

Indeed, one can't help but distrust a rapist because- you know, it's right there in the term- he RAPES PEOPLE. But what do atheists do? Eh... pretty much the stuff everyone else does, but minus the constant references to invisible shit people can't see that sometimes gives rather odd instructions. Like, you know, fly a jet liner into a building or something like that. But wait! There's more:

The levels of distrust were more pronounced among respondents who said they were religious, said Mr. Gervais. One of the studies measured how much people thought believing God is watching makes you a better person.

“That was a really strong predictor of distrust in atheists,” he said.

Those who did not identify as religious were more or less indifferent toward atheists.

Ah, the plot thickens! See, religious people view atheists as untrustworthy because atheists aren't religious. So is this just an outgroup effect? Well, thanks to the story on Jezebel we can find out:

Study authors found that atheists didn't find religious people untrustworthy — says Gervais, "They seem to think that religion is not an important signal for who you can trust."

So, not an outgroup effect. As it turns out, some religious folks are just prejudiced fucks.

Who knew?

The Overton Window: Chapter 42

2011-12-02T09:02:00.003-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that makes Gutenberg spin in his grave. Last time I took a week off for the holiday, but the time before that Stuart and Danny got in a gunfight. What happens this week? We return to Noah and Molly who are having a rough patch in their otherwise horrific relationship.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to a tie between Sassafras and Jay: Let's begin with Sassafras:

Did the authors seriously use TWO semi-colons?! In a breathtakingly ENDLESS sentence where the reader is suppose to NOT chortle at the phrase "without pause?"

Did they pull these idiots aside in Creative Writing class to teach them the ancient art of describing ostensibly exciting things in the most ass-numbing way possible?

If I ever get the chance, I will pistol whip the authors in public. Quickly. WITHOUT PAUSE.

Indeed, they did use semi-colons, and I think we can only assume that they either went to school for bad writing, or simply hate the reader. And America. As for Jay's insights... they're pretty solid, actually:

The important thing to know about those moments of seemingly crystal clear telepathy is that they're all in your head and the other person was probably thinking about lunch.

Which makes it very much like this book: it's so thrilling that when reading I find myself powerless to think about anything other than, oh, my need to do laundry, the vet appointment I need to schedule... basically anything more interesting than this "thriller". Well done, folks, and keep it up. We've rounded the bend on this thing, so now we just have to put it to bed.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). I'd buy that for a dollar.

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by the ELF coming out of my stereo.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 42: In which Noah is betrayed or... something? I dunno.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 259, Line 1-7:

Noah had shaken his one remaining pill out of the prescription bottle halfway through the flight, and now as the last of the medicine was wearing off, a nasty withdrawal was setting in with a vengeance. By the time they reached the car rental counter he could feel himself starting to fade. Headache, chills, dizziness, a general sickening malaise- it was already bad, and he could tell it was going to get much worse over the next few hours.

Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but I think those are the side effects of being Noah Gardner. Definitely the sickening malaise, anyway.

Page 259, Line 8-13:

Molly was driving, since he clearly wasn't fit to sit behind the wheel, and to put it delicately, she drove with a purpose. If he'd been feeling good and in the right sort of daredevil mood her driving might have been easier to take in stride. As it was, though, between his worsening physical condition and being jostled around the front seat by all the surging and braking and swerving through traffic, he wasn't having any fun at all.

Bitch, bitch, bitch, moan, moan, moan! Seriously, the chapter begins with two entire paragraphs of whining from our "hero". Can't we do any better than this in a "thriller"? Well, as it turns out: no, we can't.

Page 259, Line 14-17:

Plus, she wasn't talking. Since they'd started out in the car all he was getting were one-word answers, along with clear unspoken signals that there was nothing so important that it needed to be discussed at the moment.

So, basically, Molly looks like Noah's mom does, and treats him like Noah's dad does. Christ, I don't know if this is oedipal or just generically messed up, but Noah is just a truly worthless human being. Anyway, we learn that they've already left the Las Vegas city limits and that Molly is driving really fast. You know, if you hadn't caught that already.

Page 260, Line 5-11:

"We're going to get stopped," Noah said.

She didn't answer, and she didn't slow down.

"Where are we going, Molly?"

"To help a friend," she said curtly. "Now would you please just let me drive?"

"Fine."

"Thank you."

Oddly, the only place I can see this going is somewhere that features Noah saying something like, "She only hits me 'cause I don't learn good. It's just her way." Note that I'm not saying that I find domestic violence funny- I really, really don't- but I find the idea of violence directed at Noah Gardner to be quite entertaining. Evidently the authors agree, given the treatment of Mr. Gardner thus far in the "novel". Anyway, it suddenly occurs to Noah that their destination is printed on a folded piece of paper than Molly left in the cup holder armrest and, in a rare display of a nerve cord- if not actually a spine- he snatches it up and takes a gander. To him this crap is new, but to us it looks a tad... familiar.

Page 260-261, Line 260: 29-31, 261: 1-12:

molly-
spread the word --- stay away from las vegas monday
FBI sting op --> * exigent *
be safe
xoxo
db

* FYI ONLY DO NOT FORWARD DELETE AFTER READING *
Big mtg today, Monday PM, southern
Nevada. If you don't hear from me by
Wednesday I'm probably dead*, and this is
where to hunt for the body:
Lat 37[degrees]39'54.34"N Long 116[degrees]56'31.48"W
> S T A Y A W A Y from Nevada TFN <
db

* I wish I was kidding [formatting original. Yes, really. And yes, I am too lazy to look up how to make the symbol for "degrees"]

Now, for those of you without amazingly good memories, this is, in fact, the message that Danny sent waaaay back in Chapter 29 (Page 195, Line 7-15). What's weird is that, at the time, it was described as a message to his staff in Chicago, with a copy to Molly and some other unnamed folk (Page 195, Line 3-6). Given the text we're now being shown, we're forced to conclude that (a) Danny refers to his staff as "molly" (b) while hurrying to send his illicit e-mail while Agent Kearns was dropping the deuce in the trailer bathroom Danny decided to send two different nearly identical messages solely so that he could personalize Molly's message or (c) the authors are freaking morons. I leave it to you to identify the most parsimonious explanation. Anyway, Noah manages to read through this message while only moving his lips a little bit and reacts as only a passive-aggressive stalker douchebag can react.

Page 261, Line 13-17:

"Unbelievable."

She glanced over at him, but only for a second before she got her eyes back on the road. When he looked down he found he'd crumpled the paper in his hand so hard that it might never come unfolded.

"I can't believe it," Noah said. "You people got me again."

What the f-ing crap is this shit? You can't believe what now? You can't believe that the woman who seduced you, then drugged your ass into unconsciousness and, likely, incontinence in order to steal information from your workplace would further take advantage of you in order to get what she wants? Yeah, man, that sounds totally freaking implausible. She must be some kind of master of deceit to pull this one over on you. Bloody hell, you ass, Molly hasn't even apologized for what she did. She's pretty much told you her agenda, and she's explained very clearly that she's a total lunatic, so why on earth are you surprised? What? What was that? Because your intelligence verges on sub-human? Why yes, I think that must be it! And are we supposed to be impressed when a grown man is so strong that he can crumple paper so hard that it "might never come unfolded"? Bloody hell, my daughter can do that, and she can't even control her bowels yet!

Alas, sub-human or not, Noah is just going to have to wait because we've reached the end of the chapter. Yes, seriously: this entire chapter was nothing but Noah bitching about feeling bad, bitching about Molly not talking to him, getting verbally slapped by Molly, and then reading an e-mail. It's like the anti-Ludlum. Come back next time when we return to Danny and Stuart, who are about to become the luckiest characters in the entire book.

See you then.

The Overton Window: Intermission

2011-11-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

Folks, I'm just too stuffed with turkey and busy with insane Black Friday hunting to possibly get an episode up today. Come back next week when posts will resume.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know it means I'm immature...

2011-11-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

But this just makes me snicker like an idiot every time I look at it:

Oh, wikipedia! Every now and then you're actually funnier than Conservapedia. Although, let's face it, there's really no place quite like Conservapedia when you want weapons-grade stupid:*

Or, in plain text:

Whales in the desert? And at an elevation of 13,000 feet? (That's oxygen-mask altitude in the Air Force.) How did they get there? The Great Flood, that's how. But the Associated Press won't even talk about how high this latest find was. More MSM sophistry.

Good times, Conservapeons, good times!

* If you're curious, that story links to an opinion piece written by a Conservapeon named- I swear I'm not making this up- Terry Hurlbut. He has, apparently, never quite grasped the twin concepts of plate tectonics and deep geologic time. Special thanks to The Oatmeal for bringing this up.

The Overton Window: Chapter 41

2011-11-18T09:05:00.002-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that does more to help the Democrats than any other. Last time Stuart and Danny arrived at the meet with the nefarious would-be terrorists. What happens this week? They try to complete their deal with said terrorists and things go... poorly.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Ken for drawing a reasonable conclusion:

"Tapped him on the leg? Do strange men ever do that to each other?"

I think you might mean "straight" there. To which the realistic answer would be that I know no one, straight or gay, who does that.

They are strange men, and strange as men. It's called not being able to write a believable character, and the authors excel at it.

Yeah, you'd think that a demagogue would know something about how people behave. Sadly, however, to the extent that Glenn Beck is responsible for this work of "Faction" we have to assume that just isn't true. Well done, Ken! I'd also like to extend a special atta-boy to Jim for actually defending his heap of fail, even if it wasn't a particularly spirited defense. Thanks for trying!

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). No whammy, no whammy, no whammy, STOP!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by my three-legged dog.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats. Fast draw, terrible shot.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 41: In which we witness the least interesting gun battle ever committed to the page.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 254, Line 1-2:

Their model bomb wasn't that heavy, maybe eighty or one hundred pounds, but it was unwieldy to carry between them.

Wow, what is this opening sentence supposed to say to us? "Your current protagonists aren't quite the weaklings you might think- they're actually way, way weaker given that they can't manage forty pounds each"? Maybe "The narrator is kinda whiny when helping people move"? Or maybe just, "We're such crappy authors, when meeting terrorists the most exciting thing we can think of to open with is a description of the difficulty of moving awkwardly shaped packages"? Honestly, it's impossible for me to choose between these lovely alternatives. Although, I admit the last makes me wonder if one or more of the authors ever worked for UPS. In any case, there are four terrorists present- not the expected five- and one of them gestures towards where Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-moron are supposed to put the bomb. One of the four guys has a satchel that looks big enough to hold $20,000, while the other two have assault rifles.

Page 254, Line 10-16:

The weapons these guys were sporting appeared to be some knocked-together variant of an AR-15, but with a very short barrel, stock target sights, custom noise suppression, and a nonstandard magazine. Good luck trying to buy something like that off the shelf. Not the most versatile choice for all-purpose combat, obviously laughable for hunting or target practice, but flip it to full auto and it would do every bit as well as a sawed-off shotgun for antipersonnel work at close quarters.

For those who don't know much about guns, the AR-15 is a trade name for the civilian version of the U.S. military's M-16 assault rifle. Unlike the M-16, the AR-15 is typically built and sold as a semi-automatic weapon rather than an automatic weapon, although depending on when it was built many M-16's lack the full-auto setting the authors describe and are limited to three-round bursts at most. This was done in order to save ammunition since, generally speaking, an M-16 has shit accuracy on full-automatic, so that's mostly just a great way to waste ammo for little to no effect. The specific variant the authors describe probably looks a bit like this as it's a short, carbine model. The authors are correct that the shorter barrel will reduce accuracy at range, an effect that will likely be magnified by the noise suppression, but having said that an AR-15 has an effective range of several hundred meters to start with, so the limiting factor in a firefight is more likely to be the shooter than it is the weapon. Now, given that the AR-15 is typically semi-automatic but these weapons are being described as fully automatic, and given that Danny seems to know at least a bit about firearms, I suspect what the authors mean is that the weapons have been modified. It's often possible to convert a semi-automatic weapon into a fully automatic weapon with fairly small changes (e.g. I could convert one of my rifles from semi- to full automatic by modifying the firing pin) but such changes are almost always VERY illegal and often entail certain costs (e.g. if I did modify my rifle that way, once I pulled the trigger it would keep firing until it ran out of ammo). The weird thing is, most modifications that would make an AR-15 fully automatic shouldn't be obvious to casual inspection. Now, does any of this really matter for the plot? Not really, but since the authors have a hard-on for guns, I figured I might as well go along. Anyway, Stuart goes to get his money, is asked if he's going to count it, and says he's not going to. Two of the terrorists get the fake bomb and carry it to a truck, which they open up to load said fake. Danny, however, becomes suddenly interested in the truck's other contents.

Page 255, Line 26-31:

Down the center, on a welded-together, waist-high metal rack, was what appeared to be a long, silvery torpedo. Not really, though; the nose was too blunt and flat and its far end was tapered and ringed by large aerodynamic fins. It looked like something from a war museum, an overbuilt piece of heavy-duty air-dropped ordinance from a bygone era of the Cold War.

Okay, so the crazy guys already have some sort of bomb? Surely this is a large, conventional bomb that they were planning to use in the event that their nuke never appeared? Because, seriously, how many terrorist outfits manage to lay hands on not one, but two nuclear warheads? And, even in such an event, would be stupid enough to bring the first to a meet with the guys who allegedly want to sell them a second? In any case, both Danny and Stu notice that the truck also appears to contain an occupied body bag. One of the terrorists receives a cell phone call, and then all of a sudden things get... well, not interesting, but at least slightly closer.

Page 256, Line 10-18:

Kearns bent and put the satchel [of money] down between them, shivered a bit, breathed some warm air through his hands, and then put them into his jacket pockets. When he looked at Danny, just for a second or two, there was such a crystal-clear communication between them that he almost heard the words form in his head.

You were right. Now we're going to let these guys give us just one more bad sign, the tiniest sign, and then we put their lights out. No "Freeze, FBI!," no warning shots; we shoot to kill until they're all down, or we are. And you and I both know who gets it first. [emphasis original]

And all of a sudden it's like we're in a buddy cop movie. Okay, well, technically the authors have been going for this feeling for chapters and chapters now, it just hasn't ever really worked. It doesn't work here, either, but at least the attempted genre has kinda become obvious. Regardless, a few moments later the dude on the phone turns away from Stuart and Danny and then taps one of the guys with an AR-15 on the shoulder. And that, apparently, is the sign we've been waiting for, and as you might expect in a book like this, it triggers a lecture before it does an action sequence.

Page 256-257, Line 256: 30-31, 257: 1-4:

When you've practiced enough it gets to look like one fluid motion, but there are four distinct parts to a quick draw, at least to the one that Molly had taught him. In the beginning the count is slow and you stop between the steps so your teacher can make sure you've got them right. After a few months and several thousand repeats, though, it starts to go so fast that if you blink, you might miss it.

Heh. That's what she said. Joking aside, did you enjoy the brief, pointless flashback? No? Me neither. I am once more disturbed however that in all those practice sessions Danny still never managed to learn how to freaking hit the target.

Page 257, Line 5-11:

Danny's right hand swept back to clear his clothing and found the pistol grip just where he'd left it; he pulled the weapon free and brought it forward, the barrel coming parallel to the ground and his left hand joining the solid grasp; he extended toward center-mass of his target with the iron sight rising level to his eye; and at the end of the forward movement, as it all came together at his ideal firing position, without pause, he squeezed the trigger to its stop.

And shot Stuart? Because that would make as much sense as anything. Why they didn't start with this paragraph, instead of the preceding flashback, I'll never know, because this was much more interesting. Not saying much, I know, but still.

Page 257, Line 12-18:

The boom of their first two shots was almost simultaneous, though Kearns had a much easier draw from his pocket. They'd chosen the same primary target, the man to whom Randy had given his too-obvious go-ahead, the guy who would have cut them in half with a hail of bullets if they'd given him half a chance to shoot first. As Kearns took off to his left, still firing, their designated executioner was crumpling backward, likely dead on his feet, but surely out of commission. [emphasis original]

Right, and with this paragraph Danny and Stu are supposed to magically transform from an awkward old married couple into a couple of badasses. I guess you have to respect the authors for trying. I guess. The next paragraph describes Danny running in the opposite direction from Kearns, shooting wildly without hitting anything, and running out of bullets. All of this basically suggests that Danny is gunning- pardon the expression- for a Darwin award. Fortunately, Kearns steps out from cover and squeezes off four rounds, at the end of which three of the four terrorists are dead.

Page 258, Line 4-7:

The silence was broken by the sound of a diesel engine turning over and starting. Danny watched Kearns limping toward the back of the truck, then grabbing on and hoisting himself up into the open compartment.

Okay, so, the gunfight is over, all the opponents are either dead or fleeing, and Kearns is apparently wounded. Or just old, the narrative isn't clear on that point. Kearns, being a super-duper FBI agent has decided to pursue the last terrorist and his fake bomb by climbing into the back of a panel truck, which is rarely a good way to go about it. Still, Danny is left behind with a sat phone, a van, and nobody trying to kill him, so this is probably an ideal time to make a break for it.

Page 258, Line 8-12:

As the truck dropped into gear and started to roll Danny got to his feet and ran for it. The faster he ran the faster it went, and it had nearly accelerated to the point of no return when he caught up to the tailgate, stumbled forward to get a grasp on to Stuart Kearns' extended hand, and felt himself pulled up and in.

Right, or he'll chase after the truck and hurl himself aboard. This, of course, leaves us all wondering what possible rationale Danny could have for doing something so utterly, unbelievably stupid. And really the only possible answer is simply that Danny himself is utterly, unbelievably stupid.

But, stupid or not, that brings us to the end of Chapter 41. Come back next time when we check back in with Noah and his ~~crazed abuser~~ lovely girlfriend, Molly, as they head out of Las Vegas on their way... somewhere. It's sure to be, well, if not exciting, then at least in English.

Toodles!

The Overton Window: Chapter 40

2011-11-11T09:02:00.002-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that must eventually end, thereby becoming a cause for much rejoicing. Last time Noah and Molly arrived in Las Vegas and he returned to being her stooge. What happens this week? Danny and Stuart arrive at the terrorists and... well.. that's about it.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Sassafras for looking on the bright side:

We were mercifully spared the description of their adventure on the people mover, as well as the riveting depiction of waiting in line at the car rental counter.

Of course, little does Noah know that Molly is smuggling the Gray Ninja Cat of Death in her bag....

Leaving aside the question of how Molly would get Stu's cat into her bag (and I mean that- such a thing is really not beyond the idiocy of these authors) I'm forced to agree: at least we didn't have to suffer through meticulous depiction of yet more shite that nobody cares about. This is especially the case given that, based on his behavior thus far, we would have spent the entire time watching Noah try to hump her leg while on the people mover or at the rental counter. And what's funny in a National Lampoons film is just tedious in print. Well done, Sass, and keep it up folks! I need all the help I can get.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Insert witty rejoinder here!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by the fates.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 40: In which nothing at all happens.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 251, Line 1-2:

"This must be the place," Danny said. He folded the printout of directions and slipped them into a side pocket of the door.

Ooooh! Can't you just feel the excitement? I mean, these guys are about to meet with terrorists, and it sounds like they're just driving to Grandma Edith's so they can break the news about their new life partnership to her in-person. Regardless, the description (which I omit in order to preserve your sanity) makes it clear that they're in the middle of a whole shit-ton of nothing. Danny sees dirt, he sees sand, he sees more dirt- and that's just on the dashboard! Still, "shit-ton of nothing" is just what Danny thinks, but he's got Stu around to teach him otherwise.

Page 251, Line 8:

Kearns tapped him on the leg. "Over here."

Kearns did what now? Tapped him on the leg? Do strange men ever do that to each other? Because if I were an FBI agent in a car with a strange, potentially hostile guy that I'd coerced into helping me, I do not think I'd be pawing at his legs, you know? Regardless, Danny notices some kind of artificial structure about three hundred yards off thattaway and Stu takes the crappy old van off road to get to it. What they find is quite possibly the best described location in the entire freaking book.

Page 252, Line 3-12:

"Building" was an overstatement, actually; the simple ten-foot-high enclosure appeared to be made of nothing but cinder blocks and dark mortar. There was an open arched doorway but no roof overhead. About a stone's throw away from the main structure, in a perfectly spaced circle surrounding the building on all sides, were a number of bizarre freestanding walls and angled edifices jutting up out of the sand. Some looked like backstops from a playground handball court, one like the black alien monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. The layout reminded him a little of Stonehenge, but only if Stonehenge had been built over one hurried weekend by an amateur bricklayer on acid. [emphasis original]

"My god! It's full of suck!" Bad 2001 jokes aside, we at least have a grip on the scene here, weird as it is. I'd say this shows a lot of creativity on the part of the authors but... well, if you looked at the satellite imagery I linked to several chapters ago (Page 195, Line 7-15- look at the discussion following), you realize this shit actually exists. So the most creative description in the entire book isn't so much "creative" as "a description of a real thing". Ah, well. Moving on, the boys talk about what this freaky shit is, failing to wonder along the way why the hell these guys want to meet in the local M.C. Escher Theme Park. Then Stu tells Danny that everything is going to be okay, only to trail off suddenly.

Page 252, Line 25-29:

He'd stopped talking because something had caught his attention out the front windshield. One of the men they were meeting had appeared by the corner of the main cinder-block building, and with a broad gesture he beckoned them to come on over. Another of the men was behind the first, standing there with an assault rifle slung over his shoulder.

Yeah. That just doesn't bode well, you know? When you arrive at an exchange of illicit materials in the middle of nowhere and the other side is openly brandishing assault weaponry, you had really better have a helicopter with a minigun en route or you're pretty much screwed. Anyway, Danny gets out of the van, puts Kearns' satellite phone in a pocket and then gets the pistol out of the glove box.

Page 253, Line 6-15:

The pistol went snugly into Danny's belt in the back, not in the middle but closer to the right side; the long jacket hid it completely. "I'm getting ready for this whole thing to go to hell in a handbasket. If everything's fine you can say I told you so. But in the meantime, if I can make a suggestion, why don't you take the .38 out of your ankle holster and put it where you can get it if you need it."

Thankfully the older man was listening, and even if he wasn't quite convinced that there was going to be trouble he was at least open-minded enough to move his small revolver to the right-hand pocket of his bomber jacket.

Right, so, just to recap: the radio host is currently schooling the experienced FBI agent on firearms. Sounds totally plausible to me, how 'bout y'all? And as a side note, I'm fairly comfortable around firearms and have a good friend who regularly, and legally, carries a concealed pistol. And yet still the notion of Danny packing heat just scares the shit out of me.

Page 253, Line 16-17:

"I thought you said you didn't know much about guns," Kearns said.

"That's not what I said. I said I wasn't an expert."

And he means, in anything.

Page 253, Line 18-27:

Expert wasn't a term to be bandied about among Danny's gun-savvy friends. An expert might be someone who could call their shot from ten yeards and then, from a cold start, draw their pistol from concealment and put a bullet right where they said it would go, all in seven-tenths of a second or less. Molly Ross was one of those, and a few years back over one hot and memorable Tennessee summer, she'd taught him everything he knew. He'd been getting even more death threats than usual that year, and she'd wanted him to be safe. So, while he wasn't an expert, his draw was pretty fast- it was the part about hitting what he shot at that still left a lot of be desired. [emphasis original]

Oh my. Just wow. That paragraph has it all! Heroic fetishization of firearms, mention of yet another thing that Molly can supposedly do, and even a joke about how bad a shot Danny is. And ironically, it's a pretty crappy firearms instructor who focuses on getting the gun out over hitting what you freaking aim at. Speaking personally, I don't want a guy to draw fast if he can't hit what he means to hit- that's just terrifying.

But, terrifying or not, that's actually the end of the chapter. I would continue into the next chapter, but I don't have a ton of time this week, and the next chapter is (comparatively) long. So, come back next time when we talk to the terrorists and the shit does, indeed, hit the fan. And as a special treat, a named character is going to get shot.

And no, it won't be Elmer!

Are you freaking kidding me?

2011-11-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

Is this truly the world that I live in?

Shopping online can be a real time-saver, and you can get some great deals. But skip lollipops that come with the virus that causes chickenpox.

This caution comes after a woman in Nashville, Tenn., advertised lollipops contaminated with the varicella virus on Facebook. The tainted pops were intended for parents who want to expose their children to the disease.

A Nashville TV station spotted the woman's posts, in which she also offered to ship spit and cotton swabs, all for a mere $50, payable through PayPal. The woman, Wendy Werkit, told WSMV reporter Kimberly Curth that she had shipped lollipops that had been sucked on by her children, "so that other peoples' kids can get chickenpox."

Between this and the bizarre news that people are only afraid that the HPV vaccine will turn women into raging sluts,* I'm basically in shock.

* For the record the HPV vaccine is not going to turn anyone into some kind of slut. It will, however, protect you and your loved ones from a virus that causes multiple types of cancer. You do the math.

The Overton Window: Chapter 39

2011-11-04T09:02:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that makes us regret the development of language. Last time Stuart and Danny visited a bathroom and talked about crazy shit. What happens this week? Noah and Molly arrive in Las Vegas and make plans. They don't actually do anything, mind you, they just plan. Feel the thrilling!

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Ken for hitting on a fresh source of fail:

"Page 245, Line 6-10:
"Mohamed Atta is dead." [Stuart said]

"Yeah? So is Osama bin Laden, but that doesn't stop him from putting out a tape every six months. And I'm not even saying it's a real live Islamo-fascist behind any of this, but making it look that way will make the story that much scarier when something happens.""

Of course, at the point of the writing, OBL wasn't dead.

This book has aged badly, and that's just in the time you've been torturing yourself writing about it.

On the one hand, you have to cut these "ripped from the headlines" books a little bit of slack- it's hard to write about current events without becoming dated pretty quickly. On the other hand, however, as we've repeatedly seen, the authors' version of "research" and indeed "facts" leaves much to be desired in the realms of competency and thoroughness. As such, it's hardly surprising that their work becomes dated so quickly when so much of it was at variance with reality right from the start. It's a bit like noting that there haven't been any new breakthroughs in homeopathy for decades- when the thing in question is utterly crazy to begin with, it's hard to advance without fundamentally altering it. Well noted, Ken, and keep it up, folks. We're rapidly closing in on the end of this shitbird.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by the judges of Dancing with the Stars.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 39: In which Noah rambles and then shows off what a loser he is. Again.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 246, Line Carrot:

No quote, but when we rejoin our ~~heroes~~ protagonists they're just landing in Las Vegas. You might think we could be grateful that the authors didn't insist on narrating the entire flight ("Noah looked up as the flight attendant came by with the drink cart. He asked for a coke, but they had run out. He then asked for a diet coke, but all they had was sprite. Noah hated sprite") but, true to form, they go ahead and decide to narrate in flashback what happened during the flight. So, basically, both manage to cram in all the boring shite that they should have skipped while, simultaneously, ignoring the actual scene in which they've placed their characters. Helpful tip for aspiring authors: if you keep having to dump your characters into a flashback or something to tell the story you need to, maybe you're not setting up the right scenes to begin with.

Page 246, Line 4-7:

He rubbed his eyes and they felt as though he hadn't blinked his eyes in quite a while. The time had apparently flown by as he'd been occupied reading and rereading the many quoted passages that filled the pages of Molly's book.

Seriously? When last we heard about this stuff, it sounded like some very dry material. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really interested in history and government. Hell, I've read "The Federalist Papers" for no better reason than because I thought they would be interesting, so I'm not saying that the words of the founding fathers are intrinsically dull. No, what I'm saying is that the sort of person who genuinely enjoys that kind of thing is probably not the sort of person who reads Maxim at all, much less for the articles (Page 8, Line 13-14). Still, something about this passage reminds me of something.

Page 246, Line 8-14:

In the course of his supposedly top-shelf schooling he must have already been exposed to much of this, and if so, it shouldn't have seemed as new to him as it did. And in a strange, unsettling way- like reading a horoscope so accurate that its author must surely have been watching you for months through the living-room window- it seemed that each of these writings was addressed to the current time, and this very place, for the sole, specific benefit of Noah Gardner.

Yeah, okay, I suddenly know why this seems familiar and those of you who came along for my previous series on Left Behind are probably feeling some deja vu as well. See, what we're reading here is basically a classic conversion narrative. If we were to reread the above passages but replace a few phrases we'd pretty much be right back in the crappy, stupid world of Left Behind. Hell, let's try it:

He rubbed his eyes and they felt as though he hadn't blinked his eyes in quite a while. The time had apparently flown by as he'd been occupied reading and rereading the many highlighted verses that filled the pages of ~~Irene's~~ Molly's bible.

In the course of his supposedly top-shelf schooling he must have already been exposed to much of this, and if so, it shouldn't have seemed as new to him as it did. And in a strange, unsettling way- like reading a horoscope so accurate that its author must surely have been watching you for months through the living-room window- it seemed that each of these verses was addressed to the current time, and this very place, for the sole, specific benefit of ~~Rayford Steele~~ Noah Gardner.

See how well that works? Seriously, it's the same damned narrative ported from religion to government, which is more than a little frightening because if there's one thing that's guaranteed to wreck a democracy, it's the type of unshakeable, irrational certainty that is often characteristic of religious faith. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Rayford has this exact experience with a bible in Left Behind, although at the moment I can't find it, not least because I gave my copy to Scripto.* I'm not sure what to say about the whole thing except that at least one of the authors- Glenn Beck himself- is a convert to Mormonism. Mormonism isn't the wacky evangelicalism of Left Behind, not by a long shot, but to an extent all we really need is the zealotry of a convert. And with that as a master frame for understanding the world, is it any wonder that the authors can't come up with any other way to depict a change in understanding than as a virtually supernatural experience with a book? It must be really hard to live your life with access to only one narrative, you know? Anyway, Noah starts thinking about work and current events, and then we get this.

Page 247, Line 7-13:

While the [economic] crisis had in truth, of course, been nothing less than a blatant, sweeping consolidation of wealth and power- perpetrated by some of Doyle & Merchant's most prestigious Wall Street clients- it wouldn't do to allow the press and the public to perceive it that way. So, the government's bailout of these billionaire speculators and their legion of cronies and accomplices was instead presented as a bold rescue, undertaken for the good of the American people themselves. (1)** (2)

Look, I hate to point this out, but why must these options be mutually-exclusive? I mean, dealing with the fiscal crisis is a bit like curing cancer: it's hard to kill the tumor without using weapons that can kill the surrounding tissue. Likewise, it's hard to save people's mortgages and retirement funds without bailing out the idiots that helped create the crisis. As soon as someone explains how to do one without doing the other, I'll listen, but this is just simplistic bullshit.

Page 247, Line 29-32:

The choice they had made was to reward the corruption, but all of them knew the better answer, or should have. It didn't take a thousand-page bill to get it across.

"Let justice be done, though the heavens fall." (3) [emphasis original]

Ah, yes, but what if punishing the greedy means also punishing the innocent? What then? Is it more just to punish those who don't deserve it so that the ones who do won't escape, or to spare the innocent at the cost of seeing the guilty go free? I know what the founding fathers thought- the "innocent until proven guilty" position in the law pretty much settles that- so what do the authors think? Somehow, I doubt we want to know. Anyway, the authors go on to observe that the quote is unattributed- hardly surprising since it's a translation of a Latin legal phrase that Noah should already know- and then mumble some things about Thomas Paine (4) before turning to John Adams' view of the will to dominate.***

Page 248, Line 17-25:

The desire of dominion, that great principle by which we have attempted to account for so much good and so much evil, is, when properly restrained, a very useful and noble movement in the human mind. But when such restraints are taken off, it becomes an encroaching, grasping, relentless, and ungovernable power. Numberless has been the system of inquiry contrived by the great for the gratification of this passion in themselves...

In short, governments have proven that they always go bad, because they're made up of imperfect people. [emphasis original]

Yeah, so, a couple of points. First off, my interpretation of the above isn't that Adams is saying "government sucks" so much as he's saying, "people will naturally be dicks, so they have to be restrained somehow". This would seem to go hand in glove with the whole "separation of powers" thing in the constitution and, as such, really says that government is a good way to prevent people from being dicks. And as it happens, the authors do go on to say that this is almost what Adams meant- they claim that he meant it their way but thought the separation of powers had fixed it- but only after Noah gives his whole, "government sucks" schtick. Second, my interpretation of the above doesn't matter because we can go find the entire paragraph that the authors are quoting, which goes something like this:

"SINCE the promulgation of christianity, the two greatest systems of tyranny, that have sprung from this original, are the cannon and the feudal law. The desire of dominion, that great principle by which we have attempted to account for so much good and so much evil, is, when properly restrained, a very useful and noble movement in the human mind. But when such restraints are taken off, it becomes an encroaching, grasping, relentless, and ungovernable power. Numberless has been the system of inquiry contrived by the great for the gratification of this passion in themselves: but in none of them were they ever more successful than in the invention and establishment of the cannon and the feudal law." [emphasis original]

Adams then goes on to make a plea for the importance of the separation of church and state. Somehow, you have to love Glenn Beck of all people quoting a passage arguing about the need to keep religion separate from government written by one of the founding fathers. Anyway, we have some more rambling about founding fathers, and then we break free from the flashback in time for the plane to land and Molly to wake up.

Page 249, Line 24-29:

"Hey, Molly?"

"Yes?"

He touched her hand. "I think I get it now," Noah said.

"You get what."

"I really didn't before, but I understand what you're doing now, you and your people."

Man. He wants into her pants so Freaking BAD. But how will Molly respond?

Page 250, Line 1:

"Oh." She nodded, and continued to check over her things.

Oh! Wicked burn!

Page 250, Line 2-5:

"I mean it."

"I know you do," she said, in the way you might address an overly needy child in recognition of some minor accomplishment. "Good. I'm glad."

Wow. "An overly needy child" is the best description of Noah Gardner that I've seen yet. We don't know what he looks like, but at least the authors were able to sum him up in a single pithy saying. And it only took them 250 pages to do it, too!

Page 250, Line 9-17:

Before long the plane had reached the gate, and the door nearest them was the first to be opened. She was walking ahead of him in the exit tunnel, as though with some purpose that she hadn't paused to share. He caught up to her as she stopped to scan an informational display with a backlit map of airport services.

"I say we grab a meal," Noah said, "Spend the night, and then try to figure something out tomorrow."

His suggestion was overlooked as if he hadn't spoken it at all.

"I need for you to help me rent a car," Molly said.

Aaaaand we're back to the bright, cheerful world of an earlier chapter, where Noah was Molly's bitch. Seriously, I don't know how awesome he imagines the sex with her is going to be, but it must be pretty awesome for any human being to put up with this socially dysfunctional robot. But, then again, Noah is still getting gold stars on his forehead for not making a lunch out of the paste jar, so I guess beggars can't be choosers.

In any case, that brings us to the end of the chapter. Come back next time when we rejoin Danny and Stuart who arrive at their destination and then talk about doing something exciting. So we have that to look forward to, I guess.

See you then!

* I'm actually really happy about that. ** I should note that the supplied link in the book redirects to a completely different place than this article, which I found by using the title of the article referenced in the book instead. Christ Jesus is the copy editing in this book shit. *** Interestingly, despite the fact that- as I very shortly do- it's easy to find this quote via google books, the authors make no attempt to supply a link. Maybe I'm being overly suspicious, but that seems odd to me.

The Overton Window: Chapter 38

2011-10-28T09:05:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that just won't end no matter how much we wish it would. Last time Noah and Molly managed to penetrate the tight security at La Guardia and boarded a flight for Las Vegas. What happens this week? Well... we go to a convenience store. And that's basically the most exciting thing that happens.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for offering some useful advice:

If you need to keep a low profile, and your first thought is "pretend to be a movie star", it's time to just give up. Trickery is not for you.

This is an excellent point, but I can't help but feel that there's an equivalent bit of advice in here that the authors should have been offered sooner. Something along the lines of, "If it takes three of you to ghost write a book that still sucks hard, just give up. Writing is not for you." Well done, Jay, and keep at it folks- we've got around 10 chapters left, so the "exciting" conclusion is right around the bend.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, spock!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by one or more of the voices in my head.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 38: In which our "heroes" take a piss and we hear about the festering dumpster that is the authors' equivalent of logical reasoning.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 242, Line 1-3:

Danny Bailey and Agent Kearns had been on the road in their bomb-laden van for nearly five hours straight, and they were past due for a fuel stop and a stretch.

Okay, first of all, it's a "fake-bomb-laden van". Or so the characters think. Second, this is just a horrendous way to start a chapter since none of that statement makes me at all eager to continue reading. And, third, aforementioned opening line really drives home everything that's wrong with this book. Two guys are driving to a meeting with terrorists carrying a fake nuclear weapon, and somehow the most exciting thing the authors can find to tell us about is their pitstop.

Page 242, Line 4-5:

After taking his turn in the gas station's cramped restroom Danny picked up a diet soda and a candy bar and brought them to the counter.

Wow! Feel the excitement! Anyway, take a moment to calm your pounding heart, so that you won't stroke out when you read that, as he waits for the clerk to check him out, Danny notices some headlines on a paper. Oooooh!

Page 242, Line 7-10:

Two headlines stood out, and he read them over again.

Nationwide Terror Alert Status Elevated Once More
DHS Chief: Intel Confirms 'Credible Threat' for Western U.S. [emphasis original]

Wait! Danny and Stuart are in the Western U.S.!! What does that mean? Why, absolutely freaking NOTHING because the western U.S. is really, REALLY big. On the other hand, the above passage might mean that Danny has trouble reading.

Page 242, Line 11-14:

He looked up into the corner and saw a dusty security camera looking back down at him. Even out here, he thought, on the outskirts of civilization, some backward distant cousin of Big Brother is still watching.

I can't tell if that bit means that Danny is a moron or the authors are morons.* In the first place, Nevada is hardly the outskirts of civilization. Seriously, people, if you have cell service and electricity, you're not on the outskirts. In the second place, do the authors know what "Big Brother" refers to? Because I don't think that Orwell would have viewed a private business using video surveillance to deter robbery to be equivalent to a massive government effort to watch everyone all the time. And aren't these authors in favor of private industry? Seriously, who or what is actually considered to be on the side of righteousness in this book? Anyway, he buys the paper and they get back on the road.

Page 243, Line 8-12:

As the trip progressed southward the Nevada roads had gradually become more and more rustic and empty of traffic. From the first wide interstate, to four-lane turnpikes, down to the aging two-lane desert highway they'd now been on for a good while- in a sense it felt as though they were traveling further back in time with every passing mile

They are also, I should note, traveling further away from substantial quantities of federal transportation funds.** I leave it to you to consider what it means that such a relationship is so tightly linked with the "back in time" commentary of the authors. I sometimes wonder whether folks who claim the government never does anything right are even vaguely aware of all the many things the government does right each and every day- so right that we notice only the failure to achieve customary high levels of performance. And yes, I'm looking at you, U.S. Postal Service. You guys are awesome. Seriously. Anyway, Danny is reading the newspaper as they drive- his lips only moving when he gets to the really hard words like "the"- when he asks Stuart if he can "run something up the flagpole". No, that's not a sexual metaphor. I wish it had been. Stuart says yes, Danny mentions the news of the elevated terror alert, and Stuart asks Danny what he's getting at.

Page 243, Line 27-28:

"Put on your tinfoil hat for a minute and I'll tell you."

"Okay, okay, go."

Sadly, by "go" he doesn't mean "go fuck yourself" or "go jump out of my car". No, he means, "please, spin your crazy half-assed story for the readers". Because if there's anything this book needs it's more exposition. Well done, authors, well done!

Page 243-244, Line 243: 29-30, 244: 1-6:

"You remember the 7/7 bombings in 2005?"

"Of course."

"Do you know that a security company, with a former Scotland Yard guy in charge, was running a terrorism drill in London that very morning? And this drill involving a thousand people was planned out months in advance to simulate the same kind of bombing incidents, on the same targets, on the same day, and at the same times?"

Um... what? And by that I mean, "Even if true, what the hell does that have to do with anything?" I mean, no offense, but the idea of the U.K. running a drill wherein a hypothetical terrorist group bombs mass transit doesn't sound prescient so much as it does the sort of thing that a country that experienced extensive domestic terrorism should probably do on a regular basis. Ah, well, anyway...

Page 244, Line 7-10:

"No, I didn't know that."

"And then it really happened. While they were running the drill, the exact, actual thing they were practicing for actually fricking happened. What are the odds of that being a coincidence?" (1)*** (2) (3)

You mean, what are the odds of a government happening to practice to deal with the sort of attack that its enemies are trying to carry out against it? I wouldn't call that a coincidence at all. If we assume that this was the only terror drill ever, well, yes, that would be weird. But this is just one more drill among many falling on many different days. But, alas, like most creationists, our authors- who may or may not be creationists- seem to have a rather poor grasp of probability theory. Not to mention the definition of the term "coincidence".

Page 244, Line 13-19:

"Well, then," Danny went on, undaunted, "do you know that the guy your old friends in the U.S. government believe was the actual mastermind of those bombings- his name is Haroon Rashid Aswat- was also some sort of protected double agent who was on the payroll of some obscure faction of MI6? The CIA knew all about him but they weren't allowed to touch him; he even lived over here for a few years. Hell, he tried to organize an al-Qaeda training camp in Oregon-" (4)

...what? I mean, just, what? Did I wander into some other narrative by accident? Are we about to have a discussion about the free-masons or something?

Page 244, Line 21-32:

"One more thing. The guy that we haven't seen yet, his name is Elmer, right?"

"Right."

"The guy in charge on September eleventh was Mohamed Atta. He had a lot of aliases, and that's the one he started using after 2000 when he got into the United States. He was born Mohamed Elamir awad al-Sayed Atta Karadogan. But the name on his work visa, the one he showed when he enrolled in flight school in Florida, was Mohamed Mohamed el-Amir." (5)****

"And el-Amir sounds like Elmer," Kearns said. "Do you take a nap during the day? Because you must stay up all night thinking about this crap." [emphasis original]

Horrific come-back aside, Kearns is reacting to this in an entirely appropriate manner. Is Danny saying that Elmer is secretly an undead Mohamed Atta? I mean, seriously, I am absolutely lost by this point and, let's face it, given my penchant for digging up wacky things on the internet it takes a LOT of crazy to lose me. On the other hand, a movie that featured an undead Mohammed Atta getting chain sawed by Bruce Campbell would make a lot of money. Sam Raimi, call me.

Page 245, Line 6-10:

"Mohamed Atta is dead." [Stuart said]

"Yeah? So is Osama bin Laden, but that doesn't stop him from putting out a tape every six months. And I'm not even saying it's a real live Islamo-fascist behind any of this, but making it look that way will make the story that much scarier when something happens."

....huh? I am just utterly and totally baffled at this point. What the hell is Danny saying? Is Danny saying anything? Is he actually wearing a tinfoil hat right now? Do the authors own an extensive collection of metallic headgear? What?

Page 245, Line 22-25:

As the ride went on in silence Danny looked across occasionally at the older man, hoping that he'd at least planted a seed of warning. In that small way it seemed he'd been successful. You can't see another man's thoughts, but you can sure see him thinking.

My guess is that right now Stuart is thinking, "How do I get this crazy bastard out of my van?" Other than that I honestly can't see a single coherent point in the entire chapter. But, coherent or not, that does bring us to the end of the chapter.

Come back next time when we rejoin Noah and Molly who heroically land in Las Vegas, claim their luggage, and visit the rental car counter. And no, that's not a joke, that's Chapter 39.

See you then!

* Answer: Both! ** I'm well aware that turnpikes in the U.S. were originally privately-built toll roads. The extent to which that is true now is variable by state and by road but, in almost all cases, are heavily government owned, financed, and/or operated. *** I know, it's a dead link. But that's what the book says and searching for the article title gets me nowhere. **** Weirdly, this one is referenced without a link in the book. I dunno why, but the link above takes you to the right place.

Okay, that's just funny.

2011-10-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

You know, every now and then, I really wonder if Creation Ministries International didn't accidentally hire a troll:

Or, in plain human language:

In studying the nature of cults or being involved in counter-cult ministry, Christians begin to notice a consistency in poor theology, translations and interpretations. It should come as no surprise, then, that most of the leading Christian cults today are unanimous on one point; their rejection of straightforward biblical creation. While there is more to Christian orthodoxy than acceptance of a literal six-day, six-thousand-year interpretation of Genesis 1–2, its rejection means that the entire theological foundations of any group are unorthodox. Thus, it is probably no coincidence that virtually all of the main contenders for cult status—Unitarian Universalism, Christian Science, the Emergent Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormonism), Christadelphians and Jehovah’s Witnesses—deny biblical creation. [emphasis added]

Yes, that's right: CMI is writing an article about various "cults", including Unitarian Universalism as well as Mormonism and Jehovah's Witnesses. Seriously:

The conclusion is, of course, priceless:

Rejecting a straightforward interpretation of the book of Genesis to accommodate modern ideologies (Colossians 2:8) such as evolution, old-age creationism, progressive creationism, and theistic evolution, causes the entire theological foundations of Christianity to crumble. Thus it is not surprising that we find a near-universal association (as both cause and effect, to varying degrees) of such a departure from biblical authority within cults whose beliefs are far removed from biblical Christianity.

It’s no surprise that those who reject the authority and infallibility of the Bible and its clear gospel outline also feel free to reject the clear ‘big picture’ of Genesis history in order to be more acceptable to worldly notions, since Genesis and the gospel are so clearly tied together.

Today, some mainstream Christian denominations are following a similar path, favoring evolution over biblical creation. Let us pray that they learn from Christian cults and truly believe the Word of God (2 Timothy 3:16), starting with the book of Genesis.

There's just something about one crazy fringe religious group pointing at another group and saying, "Nuh-uh! You're not a REAL religion" that just makes me laugh. Because you know what the difference is between a cult and a religion?

Tax-exempt status.

The Overton Window: Chapter 37

2011-10-21T09:06:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that shames a nation. Last time Noah unveiled his lunatic plan and made us realize he is far, far dumber than we had ever realized. What happens this week? Yeah, I can't even begin to describe the utter cluster-fuck that is this chapter.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Ken for somehow imagining something even more frightening than Sassafrass' meat-stick reference:

I would suggest Drek is auditioning for the role of Glenn Beck's next co-author/ghost writer, but I fear his wife would have me killed. With good reason.

Oh, man. Ghost write "The Overton Window 2"? That is just a horrible, horrible idea. Although, I suppose I might be able to get away with ending the first chapter at "And then a meteor destroyed the world- THE END!" Honestly, given how much time and energy was put into this book, I doubt anyone would notice. Well done, Ken, and keep it up folks- we've got a ways to go yet.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Fo' shizzle!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by my unruly undergraduates.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom. Also looks just like Natalie Portman.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 37: In which we reach a new level of stupid, even for this book.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 235, Line Radiator:

No quote to start us off with, but we pick back up with Molly who repeatedly passes through the metal detector only to have it beep. She removes a metallic item, and then we start back from the top. If that sounds like a really boring way to start a chapter, it's because it is. My margin note observes that it's actually even more annoying to read a description of someone trying to get through airport security than it is to actually go through airport security yourself. Everything looks like it's going to be okay when suddenly the TSA agent notices that Molly has deposited her small silver cross in the dish of metallic items. Let's just ignore for the sake of argument the fact that her little silver cross probably wouldn't have a high enough ferrous content to set off a metal detector. I mean, I routinely go through airport metal detectors wearing a wedding ring and a college class ring without incident. The reason why this is an issue is because the TSA agent takes note of the cross and inquires about it, seeing as how Natalie Portman happens to be Jewish. Needless to say, Noah feels his mouth going dry and his bowels loosen.*

Page 236, Line 14-21:

Cops know liars like plumbers know leaks. They encounter them every day, all day; they know the little signs and symptoms, and they're trained to understand that where there's even a whiff of smoke, one should always assume there's a fire. As they challenge a person they study their reactions, pick apart little telltale movements, listen to the timbre of the voice, and more than anything else, they watch the eyes. Most suspects have already made a full confession by the time they begin their denial.

Oh, Jesus. These guys are way, way too fond of Lie to Me. Look, I have a great deal of respect for cops, but let's just get real here for a moment- not all cops, hell not even most cops, can possibly be the human lie detectors that this passage claims them to be. Oh, I'm sure a good many of them believe that they are, but believing you have a power is not the same thing as having a power. Just ask James Randi. I suppose if this attitude is typical of folks like Beck it explains why certain conservatives are so hostile to the judicial system- who needs "innocent until proven guilty" and legal checks and balances when cops are infallible adjudicators of truth and falsehood? And in any case, we're not dealing with a cop, we're dealing with a TSA agent, who is less respected, less well trained, and probably less well compensated than a cop. Anyway, back to the "narrative".

Page 236, Line 22-25:

This was one of the topics of light conversation in the wee hours of that first night when he and Molly had met. Noah had been so fascinated by the woman that he hadn't stopped to wonder why she seemed to know so much about the art of deception.

No. Just... no. Look, we've had an excessively thorough recounting of the night Noah and Molly met. They met in the mailroom (Chapter 2), he then saw her again at the Stars 'n Stripes Saloon (Chapter 8), where they certainly did not talk about lying. They were then hauled to prison (Chapter 13). Noah got them released, but did not see Molly before they were released, and they did NOT talk about this during their limo ride (Chapter 14). Nor did they talk about this after Molly came into Noah's room and before she, and he, passed out (Chapter 15). They at no time had the conversation claimed above, and we know because we saw the whole frickin night. As writing goes, this is supremely lazy, and even at this late date I am shocked by the authors' sheer, unrelenting incompetence. But, as long as we're making shit up, we may as well go all the way, right?

Page 236, Line 26-32:

Don't be afraid, she'd said; that's the key, no matter how bad it gets. If locked in a car that's speeding toward a gap in the bridge and it's clearly too late to stop, most people would still waste their last moral seconds stopping on the brakes. But what you really want to do is say a little prayer, and then floor it. If you're going down anyway, go all in, go down with courage- because, hey, there's always that one slim chance that you'll make it to the other side.

See, this is why they don't let Glenn Beck teach driver's ed anymore.

Page 237, Line 1-5:

From behind her Noah saw Molly's head tilt slightly, and this movement was accompanied by a subtle hip shift. There was a convex security mirror on a bracket above the metal detector, and in that reflection he saw a patient but serious expression on her face that meant, You didn't really just say what I think I heard, did you? [emphasis original]

I know, right? A guy whose job it is to check people for oddities notices someone who is supposed to be Jewish walking around with a cross on, and yet he thinks it's somehow appropriate to ask a polite question about it? What a dick! But seriously, how the hell are they going to get out of this one, I wonder? Okay, that's a lie, I barely give a shit, but here we go anyway.

Page 237, Line 17-23:

She turned to the officer, pulled back her hood and let it settle onto her shoulders, removed the baseball cap and let it fall to the floor at her feet, and then slow and sure, began to walk toward him.

"The Force is strong with this one," Molly said, as calm and smooth as a Jedi master. Her accent was gone, and her voice was just breathy enough to obscure any other identifying qualities of the real McCoy.

Ho-kay. Well, I guess that might work. I mean, Natalie Portman didn't play a force-sensitive character, and there's really no reason in the context of the situation to say something like that, and it's really Darth Vader's line anyhow, but sure, why not? Let's just go with it.

Page 237, Line 27-32:

She continued nearer, put a finger to the frames and lowered her sunglasses partway down her nose, tipping her chin so she could look at the officer directly, eye to eye, just over the top of the darkened lenses. As she stopped barely a foot away she subtly passed an open hand between their faces, and spoke again.

"These aren't the droids you're looking for," Molly said.

Right. And that's a Ben Kenobi line from Episode IV. One can only imagine how Molly thinks quoting lines to a Star Wars fan will help if she can't even quote lines from a movie Natalie Portman was in, much less one of Portman's own lines. So how does our Star Wars uber geek react, given that he has to know how badly she's fucking up?

Page 238, Line 3-8:

There was an eternal pause, and then before his eyes Noah saw this big, intimidating young man begin his grinning transformation from the TSA's most vigilant watchdog into Natalie's Portman's biggest fan.

"These aren't the droids we're looking for." The officer repeated her words, just as that spellbound storm trooper had said them at the Imperial checkpoint in Episode 4.

Yeah, that was about what we should have expected. Granted, we somehow went from the TSA guy being an uber geek (Page 233, Line 1-9) to him being super intimidating in a few pages, and none of this makes any damned sense but, hey, whatever. Molly signs TSA-geek's hand, they clear security, and they're off on their merry way.

Page 238, Line 27-30:

"How did I do?" Molly asked, obviously fully aware of exactly how she'd done.

"You quoted two different male characters from the wrong trilogy, but other than that, you nailed it."

Ah. Right. So her staggering idiocy was supposed to be humorous. Well, never mind then.

Page 239, Line 7-23:

"I need to ask you something," Noah said.

"Sure." It seemed she could see that he'd become more somber.

"When we were in Times Square, when we kissed that time..."

She took off the sunglasses and hooked them on her pocket, moved a little closer to him, brushed a windblown lock of hair from his eyes. "I remember."

"Is that when you pickpocketed my Blackberry?"

Molly smiled, and pulled him willingly into her embrace. It was no real surprise, but this kiss was every bit as stirring as that first one had been, and as he realized then for certain, as good as every single one would be thereafter.

She stood back a step, her face as innocent as a newborn lamb, and held up his wallet between them.

"I love you," Noah said.

Molly looked up at him with all the courageous resolve of the doomed Han Solo at the end of The Empire Strikes Back.

"I know," she replied. [emphasis original]

Okay, aside from the fact that they're crapping all over one of the great scenes in cinema here, trying to suck a modicum of TESB's awesomeness for their own use, what's the problem with this scene? I mean besides the fact that it makes Noah sound like a simpering moron, because at this point there's not a whole lot they could do to counteract that impression. Well, let me give you a hint: at this moment- I mean exactly as this scene is taking place- Molly's mom is dying slowly and extremely painfully from a poison that Molly and Noah both know was probably given to her on Arthur's orders. Now, keep that in mind and read the above passage again- either Molly is, once again, playing Noah for a fool, or she is absolutely fucking creepy.**

Page 239, Line 24-25:

By the time the jet reached its cruising altitude Molly had fallen sound asleep in his arms.

Oh, man, I'm going to be physically ill. How many creepy stalker-ish "fell asleep in his arms; later he would steal her hairbrush and keep it forever, petting it like a cat" scenes must we endure in this nightmare? Regardless, they have an entire row to themselves- because even when Noah Gardner flies coach he still has a shitload of space in his transportation- and Noah notices that the one object Molly retrieved from her luggage before boarding was her hand-bound journal.

Page 240, Line 1-3:

It would be nice to have something to read, he thought, and after a brief consideration he decided that she wouldn't be likely to object if he took a look through her little book as she slept.

He decided that she wouldn't... did that really just happen? Dude, it's her journal! In my experience, people do actually tend to object when random other people try to read their journals uninvited. Hell, my wife keeps a journal and while I've been married to her for years, have been in an exclusive romantic relationship for yet longer, and am the father of her only child, I have never read her journal. Oh, she's read bits of it to me, on occasion, but part of having real love for someone is respecting them, and respect means not invading their damned privacy. Noah is basically the creepy mo-fo in that Police song, but the authors want us to view all this as being perfectly normal and perfectly healthy. That says rather more about them than I'm comfortable knowing. Moving on, it turns out that the book contains- in addition to that pencil drawing of the cabin in the woods that we last met in Molly's safe house (Pages 167-169 or so)- a random assortment of the writings of Thomas Jefferson. That's not actually an exaggeration, the book literally says, "...Molly's [share of Jefferson's writings] was only a small, random part placed in her care," (Page 240, Line 16-17). Good to see that Molly's terrorist group has the organizational skills of a preschooler, I guess. Anyway, after reading Jefferson's second inaugural address (1), we're back to Noah's "thoughts".

Page 240-241, Line 240: 27-28, 241: 1-5:

What struck Noah as he read these words was a fundamental difference in tone from the political discourse of later times. Here was one of the founders of the nation, maybe the greatest thinker among them, and yet he spoke with a quality that was so rare today as to be almost extinct among modern public servants. It was a profound humility, as though nothing were more important to express than the honor he felt in beign chosen again as a guardian of the people's precious liberties.

Wait, are we talking about Jefferson here? Because leaving aside the fact that this is taken from a political speech- which never, ever contains hyperbole- Jefferson was a founding father. He's one of the guys who up and said, "You know what? Sure the British Empire is the most powerful political force on the planet, sure we have virtually no serious industry, a tiny population, and a weak and fragmented domestic political context. But hey, fuck it, let's become independent and found a new nation on a totally untried system of government." There are many ways to describe that sentiment, including radical, heroic, insane, and so forth, but humble is not among them. This was a man who had the arrogance to pit his own will, mind, and conscience against the might of an empire. Don't get me wrong, I can't help but like Jefferson a lot- even if only because his position on the separation of church and state was utterly unimpeachable- but the man had a definite ego. And then let's also remember that among the authors is, at least theoretically, Glenn Beck. Riiiiight.

Page 241, Line 12-14:

Of all the remote destinations Molly could have picked for her flight to safety- anywhere in the world, really- he wondered why she'd chosen Las Vegas.

Man, is Noah suddenly channeling Sharon Zukin here, or what?*** Moving on, does this mean that Molly and Noah might get nuked by Danny and Stu's moronic terrorist pals? Oh, let it be so!

But, so or not, that's the end of the chapter. Come back next time when- I swear I'm not joking here- Stuart and Danny visit a bathroom and have a heart-to-heart moment. And no, unfortunately, I don't mean that in a Laud Humphreys kind of way.

See you then!

* Okay, the authors don't specifically state that his bowels loosen, but I think it's there between the lines. ** Possibly both. Let's be serious, after all. *** For the record, I rather enjoyed the ASAs in Las Vegas, though I concede I wouldn't ever return to Vegas unless I was attending a conference there. This is not because I'm too good for Vegas, it's because I don't drink or gamble and have little interest in the sex trade.

The Overton Window: Chapter 36

2011-10-14T09:01:00.002-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that reduces literary critics to incoherent tears. Last time we had an intermission because, frankly, I'm bloody exhausted. The time before that, however, Noah was reunited with Molly and they both forgot the crazy shit she did to him. What happens this week? Well, we get to hear about Noah's genius plan for getting Molly through airport security. And I gotta tell you, this one is a doozy, even for Noah.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for pointing out just how stupid this romantic ~~comedy~~ tragedy really is:

The authors seem to think the previous events were a romance. They met, they flirted, there was heavy-handed but oddly unspecific political conversation in a bar, she took him home to the safehouse to meet the other members of her cell, she drugged him, then they were in love.

I don't care how big her tits are, love does not work that way. People who try to make love work that way go to jail. Deservedly.

And that is the central problem with the Noah/Molly "romance": it's so badly written we can't believe it, but even if the writing were better the plotting is such that it's basically a date-rape gone horribly wrong. And no, a date-rape can't go right to begin with, so we're really talking some serious whatthefuckery here. Anyway, great job Jay, and keep at it folks. Because we've got more muck to rake.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Bawitdaba!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by the contents of my daughter's diaper.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 36: In which Noah and Molly adopt a plan so cliched it's right at home in this "novel".

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 228, Line Bitter Root:

No quotation, because I just cannot bring myself to transcribe any more of this crap than I have to, but Noah is described as returning to the booth after having called someone on a pay phone. Why he did not use his goddamn cellphone I do not care to speculate upon.* Certainly it wasn't so he could avoid having his call traced given that we've already been informed that his dad is tracking it regardless. Likewise, Molly and her Merry Band of Mental Defectives didn't steal it, so there's no reason not to think it's riding in his pocket even now. So, really, his leaving his dad to go straight to Molly's mom in the hospital and then straight to some random freaking diner would probably be an enormous tipoff. Or it should be to any organization that shoots random tertiary characters in phonebooths in the goddamn desert, anyway (Page 3, Line 24-27). But I digress. Noah starts pawing through Molly's bag and she demands to know his brilliant plan.

Page 229, Line 3-5:

"Have you ever wondered how celebrities and public figures avoid all the hassle the rest of us have to go through when they feel the need to suck it up and fly commercial?" (1)

As it happens, no, I haven't. That said, I'm a little floored by the implication that by definition all "celebrities and public figures" have an option other than to fly commercial. Not all celebrities are super rich and you can bet your ass not all "public figures" are either. I mean, shit, Bill Nye is a public figure and a celebrity- you reckon he has a private jet?

Page 229, Line 6-11:

I've never thought about it."

"They make a call like I just made. All the major airlines have a VIP liaison in the big cities, and there's a service company we've used from the office, KTL, that's going to grease the way even more. They'll meet us at the curb and walk us right to the plane-"

"Hold it, hold it," Molly said. "We aren't celebrities, Noah."

No, they're not. They're not even decent characters in a crappy novel. Christ, if they were any more two-dimensional they'd be goddamn transparent! Man, this just has "horrible idea" written all over it, and that's before you realize that it's a Noah Gardner idea.

Page 229, Line 12-13:

"No, you're right. But I'm a rich kid from a powerful family, and it's reasonable enough that they'd believe I could be dating a celebrity."

Wait... is that the "medium-high bar"? I am so f-ing confused right now, and this idea just keeps getting worse.

Page 229, Line 14-15:

"What are you talking about?"

He smiled. "I'm now dating Natalie Portman."

Jesus titty-fucking Christ! Did I really just read that? This is his plan? Seriously? They are going to end up being anally probed in a TSA security room before being arrested. Or they would if this book had even a passing relationship with reality. Also: are the authors suggesting that Natalie Portman is only at the "medium-high bar"?

I mean, she's no Mrs. Drek, but I think she can certainly do better than Noah Gardner.

Page 229, Line 19-21:

"It's perfect," Noah said. "She's an A-lister but she's done mostly art-house films, so the average Joe probably couldn't pick her out of a lineup. She's about your size-"

Well, that's sorta true. If we examine her filmography she's only done little films like The Professional, Heat, Zoolander, V for Vendetta, and The Other Boleyn Girl. Yeah, nobody will know her. Except, you know, for the fact that she was in FUCKING STAR WARS! And I mean, she was in all three prequels! Still, Noah goes on to insist that Molly does, in fact look like Natalie Portman. And Molly looks like Noah's mom. That being the case, Noah's mom must have looked like this:

Which means that in his youth, Noah's dad must have looked like this:

And that means their courtship must have been like this:

But eventually Arthur got older and looked like this:

And this, of course, means that the undescribed Noah Gardner must look like this:

And Molly, really, should look more like this:**

Which makes Noah and Molly's romance more like this:***

Thus making the whole thing creepy and wrong on a whole new level. Does everyone have all that? Good, because we're moving the fuck on. Anyway, Molly ducks out to the bathroom to try to get her Portman on- all to Noah's specifications I might add.

Page 230, Line 2-5:

She was in her Vanderbilt sweatshirt, her hair was up in a casual bun at the nape of her neck, and she'd done just enough to her lips and brows and lashes to suggest a layman's conception of a movie star who was wearing no makeup at all.

Right, whatever the hell that means. Moving on, I fail to see how the Vanderbilt sweatshirt is going to help here, given that neither Noah nor Portman actually went to Vanderbilt. Noah went to, if I recall correctly, NYU and Portman went to Harvard, so anyone who knows Noah, and knows a tiny amount about Portman, is going to be slightly thrown. And as we're about to see, Noah should really realize that.

Page 230, Line 14-21:

"Perfect," he said. "Absolutely perfect. Oh, wait." He took her makeup kit and searched through its contents until he found a small dark pencil with a dull tip. "Lean your face over here." Molly did, and he carefully and gently went to work. "Natalie has got two little tiny beauty marks, one here... and one... over here." He leaned back, squinted, and studied his masterpiece. "That's it. We can put a bit of powder on those on the way and they'll be fine. Come on now, the car's already outside."

I honestly don't know what's funnier here- that Noah comes off like a closet queen with his apparent skill with makeup,**** or that he is apparently so obsessed with Natalie Portman that he's memorized the number and locations of her "beauty marks". Rolled together, this is just getting creepy as hell. Anyway, there's some random exposition about how KTL is charging them a bit less than $2,000 for this service, which Noah puts on his expense account thereby guaranteeing his father won't have to work hard to figure out who helped Molly escape, Noah gives her some coaching about how to get her attitude right and that her ID documents have somehow been lost, and we're off to the airport with Kyle from KTL. The narrator muses about how Disney World has a whole hidden sub-level that visitors never get to see***** and then the authors decide to make an analogy:

Page 231, Line 27-29:

Likewise, a major airport has its own sublevel of secrets, and our man Kyle held all the skeleton keys to this particular enchanted kingdom.

Leaving aside the fact that the narrator's use of the phrase "our man Kyle" is weird as hell, I've worked in an airport- for a long time as it happens- and basically anyone who does the same has the keys the narrator refers to. Seriously, it's not that big a deal. After a whole bunch of bullshit exposition we end up in a private security screening area. All seems to be going well until Noah suddenly notices something alarming and basically makes Molly fake like she needs to make a phone call. On a pay phone, mind you. Their fake Natalie Portman needs to make a last-minute phone call on a pay phone. How the hell does that even make sense?

Page 233, Line 1-9:

Molly picked up the receiver, put it to her ear, punched a few buttons, and pulled him [Noah] a little closer. "Now tell me what's going on."

"Check out the guy in the TSA outfit."

She did. "So?"

"Are you kidding me? That's a Star Wars geek if I ever saw one."

Maybe it was the Luke Skywalker blow-cut, his mismatched socks below the nerdish cut of his high-riding uniform trousers, or the soul patch and horn-rimmed glasses, but everything about this man was screaming king of the fanboys, and that was really bad news. [emphasis original]

Are you. FREAKING. kidding me? Have these authors ever actually met a sci-fi fan? I mean, yeah, they're all ugly, humorless, flabby man-children without the patience to put together a decent outfit and who will never get close to an actual woman, but... oh wait! Shit! That's entirely wrong! Never mind. On a related note: doesn't this all seem a little weird coming from Noah, who is apparently enough of a fanboy that he knows where Natalie Portman's ~~moles~~ beauty marks are?

Page 233, Line 10-12:

"I don't understand-"

Noah lowered his voice even more. "Natalie Portman is in all three of the Star Wars prequels." [emphasis original]

And this is a revelation because... why? Has Molly been too busy training in Tora Bora to have seen "Attack of the Clones" or something?

Page 233, Line 13-16:

"You're remembering this now?"

"I guess I hated those movies so much I'd blocked them out of my mind. But I'd bet my last dollar that dweeb knows Portman's face like the back of his hand. You don't understand these guys; he's probably got a candlelit altar in front of her picture down in his mother's basement." [emphasis original]

Well, it takes one to know one, eh, Gardner? Seriously, though, these people are too stupid to live. Anyway, Molly asks what they should do, Noah says they should wave off, and Molly says that's stupid and they should go through with it. They do, Noah goes through the metal detector and pat down and is reluctantly cleared by the aforementioned dweeb, who apparently takes his job very seriously and realizes full well that this entire scenario is utterly and totally f-ed up.

Page 234, Line 19-21:

He'd [Noah] just begun to let himself believe they were soon to be home free when the piercing tweet of the metal detector sounded off behind him.

Oh NOES! Did Molly forget to declare the assault rifle she carries in her bra or something? Are they busted? Is the book ending? What the hell is going on? Who knows? Moreover, who cares? But, whether you can answer any of those questions or not, you're just going to have to wait, because we're at the end of the chapter.

Come back next time when we get to read about Noah and Molly finally clearing security. And, if you can believe it, it's actually even dumber than the shit we saw this week. Seriously, it's so dumb it boggles the mind. You're gonna love it.

See ya' then.

* That's a lie. I speculate- nay KNOW- that it's because he's stupid. ** I have really got to talk my wife into dressing up like that for Halloween. Or, you know, Friday. *** I'd make a joke about Han and Chewie being Danny and Hollis, respectively, but to be perfectly honest I have far too much respect for Captain Solo and Chewbacca to actually make that comparison. C-3PO, on the other hand, is a shoe-in for Stuart Kearns. **** Seriously. I'm married, and share a small bathroom with my lovely wife, and yet if I were in Noah's shoes I would have had to say something like, "Shit, she has a couple of small moles- do you have some sort of makeup we could use to fake them?" ***** Totally true. It allows the characters to move from area to area without having to cross publicly- that's why you don't see folks from Frontierland in Futureland.

Portacular!

2011-10-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

So, for anyone who hasn't played the excellent Portal or its recent successor Portal 2, this short film nicely captures the emotional vibe of the experience, with the exception that in the game, you're the only living organic being* around:

And as a side note: I think the ending of Portal 2 may have been the most emotionally meaningful experience that I've ever had in a video game. And, let's face it, I like me some gaming, so that's saying something.

* As distinguished from living inorganic beings. Just because artificial intelligences aren't made of meat, doesn't mean they aren't alive. Or, as it may be, still alive.** ** Yeah, that's an in-joke. What do you want from me?

The Overton Window: Intermission

2011-10-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

Hey folks. Normally today we'd have an episode of our ongoing series on The Overton Window, a book so bad that it defies logic. Unfortunately, however, between necessary childcare duties, and the fact that my new department has lots of work for me to do, I just didn't have the time to get the episode finished. Take heart, however, because next week we'll have a pretty long episode and this week... well... I found you the short version of the whole book:

Don't thank me,* I did it all for you. See you next week.

* No, really, don't. Actually listening to that much Glenn Beck might lower your IQ but a dozen points and I don't want that responsibility.

Even after all these years, they can still baffle me.

2011-10-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

So over on the usual wretched hive of scum and villainy I ran across a headline that just makes me scratch my head and say, "huh?":

Or, in plain human language:

Public school update: "17-year-old student dies after stabbing during high school lunch break." And liberal gun control would not have prevented it. How about teaching conservative values for once? [emphasis original]

The story they refer to is quite sad and seems to boil down to, "Female student got in an argument with an older male who was apparently not a student, was then punched, knocked down and repeatedly stabbed." That is an awful, awful thing and as a father, my heart goes out to the girl's family.

Here's the thing though: what the fuck does this have to do with gun control? Are they saying that if it weren't for gun control the girl might have had a gun that she could have used to shoot her attacker? So, are we in favor of allowing teenagers in high school to attend class with firearms? Because, I've been to high school, and that doesn't sound like a great idea. Are they saying that if other students had guns they could have shot the assailant? Because the assailant was actually stopped when he was tackled by the school's police officer, and if a trained cop didn't feel comfortable drawing his weapon and taking a shot, I suspect a bunch of excitable teenagers with guns would have just increased the body count. Are they saying that because of gun control, the man just attacked her with a knife and killed her anyway, therefore gun control is pointless? How does that even make sense? Should we make it legal to buy your very own cruise missile just because people can kill each other with their bare hands?

I mean, seriously, what the hell are their snide remarks supposed to mean other than simply, "Liberals suck and everything in the world that goes wrong is their fault, somehow"?* Somehow, even after all these years, I can't quite come to grips with just how idiotic the Conservapeons are.

* Yeah, I know, their remarks mean nothing other than that. I'm aware.

The Overton Window: Chapter 35

2011-09-30T09:09:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that makes us all glad the TEA Party isn't in charge. Yet. Last time Noah went to visit Molly's mom on her death bed and hung out with an old friend who will never, ever reappear. What happens this week? Noah goes to see Molly and... well... that basically covers it.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for making the essential point, although I will note that I now love Ken again:

re:*** I'm suddenly struck by the notion that there might be a porno version called "Left in the Behind".

There's a really chilling scene when you see all the emptied ... socks?

BTW, what are we supposed to make of a secret conspiracy based on public relations? You can't secretly conspire in the public view. Either you're broadcasting your message, or you aren't.

Leaving the socks alone- and frankly, who wouldn't under the circumstances- I think Jay has really hit on the core issue. This is a secret conspiracy that relies for its effectiveness on not really being secret. Or, arguably, even a conspiracy. Seriously, the evil conspirators in this book are at least as dumb as the heroes, and that leaves us without anyone to cheer for. No, all we have are people to cheer against, which basically means I'm hoping that this book ends in a gamma ray burst. Thanks, Jay, and keep at it, folks! The conclusion simply cannot come soon enough.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Kerfluffle!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by drunken undergraduate econ majors.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom. Injected with weed killer by parties ~~unknown~~ blisteringly obvious to everyone.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

Ellen Davenport: Old friend of Noah's. Second-year neurology resident at Mt. Sinai. Doesn't appear to need sleep or have good taste in her associates.

***********************************

Chapter 35: In which Noah finds Molly and the marionette strings become even more obvious.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 225, Line 1-3:

The street address that had been scrawled on the hospital's notepaper didn't lead him to another of the so-called safe houses that Molly had described.

For which Noah should be grateful, since if it did he'd likely be on a collision course with a bunch or armed whackos. That said, I can't decide whether I'm happy that the authors didn't make Molly give the nurse the address to a safe-house, thereby making it an unsafe-house, or annoyed that when Molly is genuinely in need of a safe-house, she isn't actually in one. I mean, Jesus, when nobody is looking for you, you hang out in a safe-house, but when powerful people are looking for you to do you harm, you don't go to a safe-house? What?

Page 225, Line 3-6:

When Noah looked up as the cab pulled to a stop he found he was outside what looked like a quaint family-style eatery, the Buccaneer Diner on Astoria Boulevard in Queens, about a mile from La Guardia Airport.

In case you're wondering, yes, this place does exist. I'll be the first one to admit, having glanced at the menu, that this looks like the kind of place my wife would despair of keeping me away from.* That said, I have no idea why the authors felt compelled to be this specific because it just doesn't matter at all for the narrative ever. Seriously, the scene could have taken place in a McDonalds, or a Chuckie Cheeze or even a WalMart Radio Grill for all the location ends up impacting the book. Best guess? It's more product placement. Regardless, Noah wanders in and notices the lunch crowd was winding down before spotting Molly.

Page 225, Line 13:

When Molly looked over and saw him walking up the aisle she stood...

Okay, this is gonna be good. The last time Molly saw Noah she had just drugged him unconscious and was about to go break into his office. Is she going to run for it? Is she going to pull a gun and try to shoot it out? Man, this is exciting!

Page 225, Line 14-15:

...and was suddenly overcome by a flood of tears she must have been barely holding at bay. She ran to him and threw herself into his arms.

What. The. Fuck? What is even happening in this scene? Does she know what book she's in? Doesn't she suspect that Noah might be ever so slightly pissed at her right now? Why am I reading this shit?

Page 225, Line 16-17:

In the cab on the way he'd given a great deal of thought to what he might say to her if he actually found her waiting at the end of the ride.

Okay, great, we have a chance to salvage the situation. Maybe, just once, Noah can respond to a situation like a real boy instead of the authors' wooden puppet!

Page 226, Line 3-9:

Not only did you break my heart, but you and your friends could have killed me with an overdose, all in the name of a hopeless cause.

I care about you, I was starting to believe in you, and now I don't know if a single thing between us was real.

And of course, there was this one:

I think my father must have ordered your mother to be murdered, just as easily as he'd ordered breakfast that morning. [emphasis original]

Right. So it's the OR where he responds like a wooden puppet getting jerked around by a bunch of authors who are either too incompetent to write a decent character, or too goddamn lazy to bother to try. Seriously, what actual human being- barring some sort of serious mental issues- would possibly react this way? He isn't a man, he's a hackneyed disaster.

Page 226, Line 10-12:

There was too much, so Noah said nothing. Neither forgiving nor forgetting, he put it all aside for the time being and just held her for a while.

What the hell does that mean? Does that mean he's going to exact his hellish revenge later? As it turns out, what it mostly means is that the authors are beginning to find Noah's quite reasonable anger at what was done to him tiresome and have decided to just get rid of it in the fastest, easiest way possible. Alternatively, the Buccaneer Diner is some sort of magic "all is forgiven" vortex, but not being a New York resident, I can't speak to that. Anyway, Molly asks about her mom and Noah gives her a brief account. Molly then explains that she had been traveling with others who had gone on ahead to La Guardia to test the security.

Page 226, Line 25-27:

They weren't just searched and harassed, as had often been the case in recent years; this time they were arrested and detained. [emphasis added]

Okay, first of all, I have to call bullshit. So far the only people we've seen in Molly's little terror cell have been white folks with more or less normal religious views. That is really, really, really not the type of people who are routinely harassed by TSA. Seriously. I'm friends with actual brown people, including actual Arab brown people, and as such, when I compare their stories of TSA to my own I reach the inescapable conclusion that Molly's folk are not the type of people who are subject to routine harassment. However the fuck much Glenn Beck might like us to believe that white Christians are somehow an oppressed group in the U.S. it just IS NOT TRUE. Are we all clear on that? Good. Second, the thing that really bothers me in this passage is that Molly is sitting here alone yet, somehow, she knows her friends were detained. How? Did they call her-from detention- to let her know? Somehow I doubt it and, if they did, why the hell aren't the cops swarming her under even now? Did she have an associate watching to see what would happen? That would have made the most sense, save for the fact that Molly is sitting here alone. Is she clairvoyant? Must be, because there's no other freaking way she could have known that. God does this book suck. Anyway, moving along, Noah suggests that Molly drive to wherever the fuck she's going, but she says that she can't take that long, so she had to fly. Somehow.

Page 227, Line 3-8:

Noah was listening, and he was also studying her face as she spoke. The passing resemblance to that picture of his mother was almost gone now that she'd ceased to maintain it. That likeness had been subliminal at best, just enough to hook into his subconscious. But now, as they say under the bright fluorescent lights of a Queens diner, he realized that there was absolutely no denying who Molly did look like. [emphasis original]

If you're not breaking out in a cold sweat at this point, you either don't know what a colossal fuckup Noah is, or still think the authors put any effort into this book at all.

Page 227, Line 9:

And that gave him an absolutely brilliant idea.

I really, really doubt that. Noah and brilliant ideas are like the square root of negative one- possible in theory, and even useful for abstract reasoning, but imaginary none the less. But, imaginary or not, that's the end of the chapter.

Now, I could go on to the next chapter now, but I won't. Partly, this is because I'm lazy. Partly it's because the next two chapters are pretty long and scrunching the next one together with this one wouldn't work out well. But mostly it's because Noah's idea is so brain-searingly, gut wrenchingly moronic that we just have to be able to dedicate a whole episode to it. Really. So, come back next time when we discover what Noah's brilliant plan is, and marvel at the fact that he didn't need someone smarter to come up with it for him. Like, I don't know, a fifth grader who still eats paste.

See you then!

* Unless, that is, there were a Waffle House nearby. I freaking love Waffle House.

A quick aside for the monks...

2011-09-28T09:06:00.002-07:00

To respond briefly to your questions and remarks:

(1) There are, in fact, forty-seven chapters plus an epilogue and afterword in that darn book. This means we have a ways to go yet, although you are far from alone in your amazement. My wife has already warned me that after this I am not to do another of these shit-birds for a long time. You're welcome to try to reason with her, but I rather doubt your chances.

(2) The signet ring is working out wonderfully, but I keep accidentally beaning undergrads with the scepter. Then again, maybe it's more of an "on purpose" kind of thing.

(3) I take that as a compliment since monomania at least implies that my mind is otherwise sound. That's quite an improvement, when you think about it!

Good news, bad news...

2011-09-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

So, on the one hand, I think this is a really good idea:

It could be the best thing to happen to men’s sex lives since the Pill — and most people have never even heard of it.

A potentially revolutionary method of male birth control — a single injection that’s 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy for a decade, and is accompanied by nary a side effect — is already in clinical trials in India and could be available here in just a few years.

A single advocate won’t give up until RISUG, the clunky acronym for “reversible inhibition of sperm under guidance,” is a Food and Drug Administration-approved option for couples looking to knock boots without getting knocked up.

Elaine Lissner’s interest in male contraceptives was piqued in the late 1980s when, as an undergraduate at Stanford, she was told during an academic lecture that she and her female peers “would never see a male contraceptive akin to the birth control pill in our lifetime.”

At the same time, Lissner was seeing female friends struggle with the uncomfortable side effects of contraceptives, and had her own pregnancy scare at 19.

“I realized there must be a better answer, but it wasn’t being pursued,” Lissner, who lives in San Francisco, told The Daily. “Ideally, I want to see a contraceptive supermarket for men the way there is for women.”

On the other hand, there is a tiny catch still to be worked out:

Some American experts, though, are concerned that RISUG might not be reversible: Guha has informally reversed the injection in a handful of men and hundreds of animals, but hasn’t published a formal study on the process.

“Certainly it’s a promising project, but there’s a lot we don’t know,” Colvard said. “Without safe reversal, men are just as well off getting a vasectomy.”

That’s exactly where Lissner plans to start: Animal trials are expected to start this year, and the first clinical trial of Vasalgel will kick off in 2012, with male participants open to permanent infertility on the off chance that the injection can’t be reversed.

Yeah, I mean, permanent sterility certainly counts as "birth control", but isn't really what we're going for. Still, if the kinks can be worked out, I would love for there to be more options that men can use* to prevent pregnancy, thereby taking the onus off** of our partners.*** And if nothing else, the more we can control our fertility, the fewer women there will be who have to deal with something like this.

* Other than condoms, I mean, which both men and women frequently dislike for a whole variety of reasons. That said, I don't think the heroic rubber is going anywhere soon given that unlike many other methods of contraception, it can also block the transmission of STIs. ** Of course, I suspect a woman would really have to trust her partner in order to assume that he's really using an injectable form of birth control that she can't verify. Unfortunately, what starts as a medical problem eventually turns into a social problem. *** My wife and I in particular are looking forward to the day when we've had all the kids we intend to and I can get a vasectomy, thereby eliminating the need for all those peculiar birth control contraptions.

The Overton Window: Chapters 33 & 34

2011-09-23T09:04:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that puts the "ass" in "disaster". Last time Noah visited the cheerful chaps in the mailroom and... yeah, that's about all. What happens this week? Noah drives around a bit and then visits Molly's mom in the hospital. And you thought your dates were awkward!

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Sassafras for not making me feel bad about myself the way that Ken's comment did:

"It is the book that never ends,
Yes it goes on and on, my friends!
Some people started reading it,
Not knowing what shit it was,
And they'll continue reading it forever,
JUST BECAUSE... [repeat mindlessly while completing final chapters]"

It's horrifying when a Lambchop song is more fun than a book.

Yeah, honestly, I've read cereal boxes that are more fun than this book. Hell, I think it's entirely possible that Left Behind was more fun than this book. Still, however, it does eventually end, and we're coming up on the end a lot faster than you might think. Like each individual chapter in this nightmare, eventually it just kinda seems like the authors get tired and then... stop. Blessedly. Thanks for the comments, folks, and keep it up! We're definitely getting there.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Bazoombas!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by a first order Markov process.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

***********************************

Chapter 33: In which a new character appears and we stray into romantic comedy territory.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 218, Line 1-4:

In the cab on the way uptown Noah had made two phone calls, one to the hospital's automated system to find the patient's floor and room, and the other to an old and trusted acquaintence who was now on her way to meet up with him at Lenox Hill.

There's so much wrong with this opener. The main problem is that rather than give this narration in present tense, which would at least lend the sentence a bit of urgency, it renders it in past tense. *yawn* The second problem, however, is the weirdly removed reference to "the patient" rather than, you know, "Barbara Emerson" or even, "Molly's mom". Either of those would have made this feel more natural and made Noah seem (slightly) less like some sort of demented robot. But, alas, it doesn't and he is.

Page 218, Line 5-11:

Over a long-ago summer Ellen Davenport, of the East Hampton Davenports, had become his first real friend who was a girl. It was a new thing for him, because though they'd hit it off immediately, they both seemed to realize that dating each other was the last thing they should ever do. They'd actually tried it once just to be sure, and the discomfort of that terrible evening was matched only by its comic potential when the story was retold by the two of them in later years.

That would actually be cute if the writing weren't so goddamn dull. But, hey, regardless: hello there, new and pointless character! Welcome to the pointless party! Also, for the record, I have no idea, and couldn't care less, who the East Hampton Davenports are.

Page 218, Line 12-15:

Now Ellen was a second-year neurology resident at Mount Sinai Hospital across town. His call had caught her at the end of a twenty-six-hour shift, but, true to form, she'd told him that she'd be right over without even asking why.

Okay, so the random extra is supposed to be a really close friend of Noah's. Fair enough. I gotta say though, while I have some friends who are so close that if they asked for my help after I'd just worked a 26-hour shift I'd totally do it, I'd still ask why before heading over. This wouldn't so much be to judge whether or not I should come, as to mentally prepare myself for whatever it is that is so damned urgent. I mean, are we burying a body? Should I bring my shovel? Are we going to be producing a body? Should I bring a ski mask and firearm? I like to be prepared. Anyway, Noah gets to the hospital and notices three things. One is an overflow crowd from the hospital floor's small chapel. I've never seen a hospital with a chapel on every floor- or even more than one chapel- but whatever. It's freaking overflowing. Second, he sees a smaller crowd waiting outside one room. And third, he sees Ellen. We don't get to see Ellen, as she isn't really described, but Noah sees her, which I guess will just have to be enough. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe the fact that hardly anyone is described in this book is meant to suggest that hardly anyone is actually real? Maybe it's sort of a Sixth Sense thing and all the action is taking place in Molly's (i.e. the only well-described character's) head? TWIST!

Page 219, Line 11-13:

"I need for you [Ellen] to do me a favor," Noah said. There was a slight tremor in his hands as he retrieved the medicine from his pocket, shook out a pill into his palm, and swallowed it dry.

Now, read that passage again but in the voice of Raoul Duke and I promise you it'll seem much, much more interesting.

Page 219, Line 14-17:

Ellen took the vial from him, rattled it, and held it close to her eyes. She looked at him again with a little more concern than before. "If you're going to ask me to score you some methadone, I left my prescription pad in my other pants."

So, is that what he's taking, then? And what is she, the pharmacy whisperer? I fully believe that she might be able to tell what the drugs are from examining the pills, but from rattling an opaque, unmarked plastic container (Page 197, Line 15-16)? I'm thinking, no. Anyway, as it turns out, no, Noah is not trying to score some drugs.

Page 219, Line 18-20:

"That woman in the room down the hall there," he said. "I need for you to help me- I don't know, line up a specialist, make sure everything's being done. I just want her to be taken care of."

And my question at this point is, "why"? I mean, Noah was just rescued from aforementioned woman's daughter, who drugged the crap out of him and left him to be repeatedly violated by Hollis* over a 40 hour period, only to be discovered in a pool of his own filth.** Noah is not surprisingly on a quest to revenge himself upon that daughter. So why the hell are his undies suddenly in a bunch over Barbara? Does he want to use her as freaking bait, or something?

Page 219, Line 23-30:

Whatever Noah had been about to confess, he was interrupted by the approach of a stranger. It was an older woman, frail and thin as dry reeds, and from the corner of his eye he'd seen her come from the direction of that room ear the end of the hall. The woman nodded her respect to Ellen, turned to him, and then spoke with a gentle gravity in her voice that said more than the words themselves would convey.

"She's awake now. Somebody told her you were here, and she says she wants to talk to you."

What. The. Fuck? He's been here barely long enough for a handful of lines of dialogue with Ellen and yet, someone in the room with Barbara has already learned of Noah's arrival and mentioned it to her? What in hell is going on in this chapter?

Well, as it happens, what's going on is it's ending, which brings us to...

Chapter 34: In which Noah has a really tortured chat with Molly's mom, and Ellen serves her purpose.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 220, Line 1-2:

He stood just inside the open doorway, watching the remaining visitors say their good-byes before they quietly walked past him, one by one.

Apparently Noah is f-ing important to these people. I guess we should all be glad he's important to someone, but that still leaves us with an incredibly bizarre scene.

Page 220, Line 12-16:

There were bruises on her face and arms, dark, uneven spots within yellowing patches, and a bandage on her neck with a soak of crusted brown near its center. She was withered, already a shadow of the person he'd last seen on Friday night. The only thing that remained undimmed was that unforgettable spark in her light green eyes.

Just... yeah. I don't know what to say here. Apparently Barbara caught the beating that Danny claimed he'd had (Page 181, Line 8-18) when he was talking to the would-be terrorists. Isn't she lucky? Regardless, Noah comes over and holds her hand.

Page 221, Line 5-10:

"I [Barbara] don't expect you to understand why Molly did what I asked her to do." The grip on his hand tightened, as though all the strength she had was centering there. "You should blame me, and not her. But I hold the privilege of a dying woman now, and I want you to put everything aside except what I'm about to say."

Presumably included in that everything that Noah is putting aside is his disgust at the hackneyed writing. Still, you'd think Noah would be a little pissed at the revelation that Barbara is the mastermind behind his recent mind-fuck. One can only imagine the hot-blooded answer Noah has ready for Barbara.

Page 221, Line 11:

"Okay."

Yep. That was it exactly.

Page 221, Line 12-13:

"My daughter is in danger. I need for you to promise me you'll see her to safety."

And that was not at all what anyone expected her to say. Just to be clear, she's asking the man her daughter recently seduced, drugged, and basically stole from to make sure that said daughter escapes from any and all consequences that might stem from seducing, drugging, and stealing from Noah Gardner. How the hell does that seem like a good idea?

Page 221, Line 14-18:

There were so many conflicting things hammering at his mind, but despite all that mental noise and everything that had happened, for once in his life he could see it all arranged in its true order of significance, and so he knew for certain there was only one thing to be said.

"I will"

Exactly! How else will you trick her into telling you where Molly is so you can take your reve- hmmm? You're actually going to do the whole protecting Molly thing, then? Really? What is it with this girl? Does she have cake-flavored nipples, or something?

Page 221, Line 25-28:

"I sent Molly away, but she isn't safe yet," she said. "She's waiting now, near the airport. Look in the top drawer of the nightstand. She called and told one of the nurses where she'd be and they wrote it down for me."

She called and told- are you fucking kidding me? She's on the run from some ultra-powerful cabal of government bureaucrats and corporate leaders who are planning an imminent takeover of the U.S., she's in possession of sensitive information from same, and she leaves her location with her mother's nurse? Did these people learn their operational security from Facebook?

Page 221, Line 31-32:

"Do you know what we're fighting against, son?"

"Yeah, I think so. Some pretty evil people."

You mean like your dad?

Page 222, Line 2:

"Ephesians 6:12- look it up when you get a chance."

Oh, lovely. More bible passages. That really takes me back to Left Behind*** you know? For those who are curious, that passage reads: "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." So... she's claiming that Noah's dad is in league with the devil, then? I am so bored with this shit. Really.

Page 222, Line 4-7:

"There's more to you, Noah. More than you might be ready to believe. I knew of your mother many years ago, and the good she wanted to do. That's what Molly saw in you: she told me. Not your father, but what your mother's given you. And I see it, too."

Oh, just gag me. She knew "of" Noah's mom? What the hell does that mean? Maybe she saw Noah's mom's performance in that movie he mentioned (Page 107, Line 8-14)? This bit is so over-the-top the author's can't even see the top anymore- that's how far over the top they are. Anyway, Barbara reminds Noah that his name derives from a biblical figure.

Page 222, Line 16-17:

"He wasn't chosen because he was the best man who ever lived," she said softly. "He was chosen because he was the best man available."

Okay, one, way to build the guy up: "You're not Mr. Right, but you are Mr. Right-Now." Two, can we all just remember how things worked out with the original Noah? Genocide of mankind, mass extinction, and all he managed to get to show for it was a promise from god to never try to kill us all off with water ever again. Hell, sounds like our Noah is the spitting image.

Page 222, Line 18-20:

Out in the hallway he hadn't made it five steps before Ellen Davenport caught up to him. She took him firmly by the sleeve, pulled him behind her into a nearby storeroom, and closed the door.

I'm sure Noah's flattered, Ellen, but is this really the right time to exercise the "with benefits" clause? Or do hospitals just turn you on? Sadly, no, Ellen just wants to talk. She asks Noah how he knows Barbara, he says she's the mother of a friend of his, and then Ellen tells him Barbara is going to die. Which would probably be shocking if Barbara hadn't just told us that a page ago. Noah asks how, Ellen answers "poison," and Noah- briefly forgetting that he's hardly an expert in this sort of thing- asks what kind of poison.

Page 223, Line 13-24:

"Paraquat," (1) she said. She seemed to watch his eyes for signs of recognition but there were none. "Do you see now, the point they were trying to make? The animals who got to this woman? Paraquat is a pesticide. A weed killer."

"A pesticide." He'd heard what she'd said but he repeated it aloud, just to make sure he understood.

"It starts an irreversible fibrosis in the lungs- a scarring that progresses until you finally can't breathe anymore. If that doesn't kill you first, all the other organ systems begin to shut down, and then it's over. There's nothing we can do about it; we can't even give her oxygen. That just makes it worse. She might have another day, or another week, but it's obvious they wanted her to suffer."

Well, hey, who can blame them? She was awfully annoying. More seriously, I think the authors are trying to imply that Arthur's goons made a statement as they killed Barbara but, really, one would think that just killing her would be statement enough. Then again, Barbara believes Arthur either is, or is in league with, the devil, so there's more than enough crazy to go around. Anyway, Ellen advises Noah to go easy on the pills that his father gave him, even going so far as to recommend he come down off of Molly's happy drugs cold turkey and then Noah says goodbye. Don't worry, though, because Ellen gets the last word.

Page 224, Line 6-9:

"I don't know how you're involved in all this," Ellen said, "but you'd better know something, Noah. There are a million kinds of murder, but anyone who would do to a person what they did to her? It only means there's nothing at all they wouldn't do." [emphasis original]

That's probably true but, the thing is, does it really matter? I mean, to some extent murder is murder, and if someone kills me in the process of a convenience store robbery I'm just as dead as if they kill me in some "artistic" way that makes a statement. So, yeah, once we know that murder is involved, we've largely maxed out the "these people are serious" message.

But, maxed or not, that's the end of the chapter. Come back next time when Noah finally reunites with Molly and we get to find out what he does when he meets the woman who tricked and drugged him. It'll be "exciting".

Toodles!

* I'm assuming that's what happened, based on Noah and Hollis' obvious "chemistry". ** Not really, but only because the writing is terrible. *** I'm suddenly struck by the notion that there might be a porno version called "Left in the Behind".

Maybe I wasn't wasting my childhood after all!

2011-09-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

So this article in Nature Structural and Molecular Biology is completely freaking rad. Why is it rad? Because a group of scientists came up with a way to turn gamers loose on a scientific problem that had stymied researchers for a decade. How long did it take the gamers to crack it? About three weeks.

Foldit is a multiplayer online game that enlists players worldwide to solve difficult protein-structure prediction problems. Foldit players leverage human three-dimensional problem-solving skills to interact with protein structures using direct manipulation tools and algorithms from the Rosetta structure prediction methodology1. Players collaborate with teammates while competing with other players to obtain the highest-scoring (lowest-energy) models. In proof-of-concept tests, Foldit players—most of whom have little or no background in biochemistry—were able to solve protein structure refinement problems in which backbone rearrangement was necessary to correctly bury hydrophobic residues2. Here we report Foldit player successes in real-world modeling problems with more complex deviations from native structures, leading to the solution of a long-standing protein crystal structure problem.

...

To determine whether human intuition could succeed where automated methods had failed, we challenged Foldit players to build accurate models of M-PMV PR starting from the NMR coordinates (which had failed in MR tests; see Supplementary Discussion and Supplementary Fig. 3). When the 3-week competition concluded, we screened the top-scoring Foldit models using Phaser11 to determine whether any were of sufficient quality for MR. Remarkably, despite the complete failure of all previous approaches, several solutions by the Foldit Contenders Group produced phase estimates that were good enough to allow a rapid solution of the crystal structure.

Years ago I suggested that the simulations of reality in video games were becoming good enough to serve as effective teaching tools. I did not, however, envision a time when they would be able to actually help advance human knowledge.

Game on!

The Overton Window: Chapter 32

2011-09-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that aspires almost to the stature of my daughter's incoherent vocalizations. Last time Noah had a lovely chat with his weirdo eugenicist father. What happens this week? We start part THREE and Noah goes to the bathroom. Yay?

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for noting the hidden irony:

I love how this bit shows the beginning and the end of Gardner's new aristocracy all at once. The beginning, because Gardner is trying to seize power by virtue of his intellingence, drive, and ruthlessness (or so we're told). The end, because 74-year-old Gardner is trying to groom his incompetent, pampered son for leadership.

Yeah, it's a worthwhile point that before you launch a revolution that basically predicates the right to rule on biological heritage that you should secure an heir who isn't some kind of sub-human idiot. Although, frankly, a sub-human idiot would still be better than Noah Gardner. I'd also like to offer a special nod to Jonas for at least saying so. I forgive you, man, but my wife may be a different story. Nice work, everyone, and keep at it- we're in the home stretch now!

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Snicker-doodle!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by a random seed.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games. Wants to bang his mom.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder. Looks just like Noah's mom.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

***********************************

Part THREE: In which we stumble to the moronic conclusion of a stupid book.

Recommended Mood Music:

Page Unmarked-but-would-be-213, Line 1-7:

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country."

-Edward Bernays, Author of Propaganda [emphasis original]

So, this is the quotation that really provides the page announcing Part THREE with its only raison d'etre. Unlike the last time the authors were foolish enough to offer a lengthy quote, there aren't gigantic bloody bits torn out of this one. On the other hand, if you continue with the quoted bit (which comes from the opening pages of the first damned chapter of the book) you may come to think that the meaning is a shade different. Specifically:

We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of. This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society.

Our invisible governors are, in many cases, unaware of the identity of their fellow members in the inner cabinet.

They govern us by their qualities of natural leadership, their ability to supply needed ideas and by their key position in the social structure. Whatever attitude one chooses toward this condition, it remains a fact that in almost every act of our daily lives, whether in the sphere of politics or business, in our social conduct or our ethical thinking, we are dominated by the relatively small number of persons- a trifling fraction of our hundred and twenty million- who understand the mental processes and social patterns of the masses. It is they who pull the wires which control the public mind, who harness old social forces and contrive new ways to bind and guide the world.

Bernays goes on at some length- it is a book after all- but the essential point of all this is that when you have a really big society with a big population, you pretty much have to accept some centralization. And Bernays is explicitly not saying, "Hey! There's a secret cabal running the world!" No, what he's saying is, "Hey! Rich people, and people who understand politics, set the agenda for the rest of us!" And that's not sinister, that's just realistic. But, alas, the authors would have us be chilled by a simple notion that nobody would really disagree with. And with that, we get on to...

Chapter 32: In which Noah takes time out to groom, vows revenge, and then visits the mailroom.

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Page 215, Line 1-6:

Noah had excused himself suddenly and then stumbled his way into the elegant stall in the corner of his father's private restroom. You know you're sick when you're still vomiting ten minutes after the last thing was expelled from your stomach. He was still hugging the porcelain bowl, drained and wretched, feeling like he'd just capped off a marathon with four hundred sit-ups.

Okay, first off, he was still hugging the porcelain bowl, feeling awful, when what? Maybe I'm just a traditionalist, but that particular sentence construction is usually followed by an explanation of what happened when the character was still doing something previously described. Did the authors just get bored in the middle of the sentence and decide to drop a period, or what? Second, purely out of curiosity, why does Arthur's no doubt private bathroom have a stall, elegant or otherwise? I mean, a "stall" is normally included in a bathroom so that someone else can come in and wash their hands, use a urinal, or whatever, while you take a dump in relative privacy. But if the whole bathroom is private, why is there a stall? And finally, no doubt the vomiting has to do with all the drugs he's packed with- both the relics of whatever Molly et al. juiced him with as well as whatever Dr. Feelgood gave him before the meeting- but the vomiting "after the last thing was expelled from your stomach" has a peculiar meaning here because Noah was drugged unconscious for several days. That means he didn't eat or drink anything for something like 48 hours. He should be crazy thirsty, really hungry, and very weak. He is none of these things, except maybe the weak part, and that's more Noah than anything else. Moreover, given this situation, the fact that he's vomiting should be a major concern for any doctor or father- they need to get fluids into Noah's sorry ass, not let him hurl them out with gut-wrenching force. But, alas, the authors don't want to deal with this issue, and so they don't. They do, however, describe how he washed his face and then put his shirt BACK on, which implies that his sudden lunge to the toilet wasn't so sudden he couldn't remove his shirt first.

Page 215, Line 14-15:

His skin was as pale as a Newark Bay oyster, but while he was certainly beat he wasn't quite out of commission yet.

As pale as a Newark Bay oyster, eh? Is that... you know... pale? I ask only because I don't usually ask oysters I plan on eating* where they're from, much less note how pale they are. This reminds me of how sci-fi authors occasionally give analogies like, "He was as angry as an Altairian Sand-wolf with a bad case of creepers." I mean, you kind of know what it means from context, but as an analogy it's an utter failure. Anyway, he thinks about how the doctor says that his symptoms will persist for a few days, pops some pills, tries to digest what his father just told him, and then he turns to other matters.

Page 216, Line 2-3:

...there was also a score he needed to settle before a certain young woman's trail became too cold to follow.

Oh, man. Seriously? Noah Gardner is going to try to get even with Molly? Buddy, she's part of some kind of crazy terrorist cell- that's trouble that you, of all people, are not equipped to deal with.

Page 216, Line 4-5:

As Noah hurried down the stairwell toward the mailroom he lost his shaky footing and nearly tumbled down the last half flight.

Okay, so, Arthur is just done, then? Because this chapter opened with Noah suddenly bolting for Arthur's bathroom and now we're going down the stairs so... what? He just crossed Arthur's office and left? Huh? Arthur just let him go then? I mean, we get a description of Noah putting his shirt back on but we can't get a mention of how Arthur reacted to Noah's sudden nausea/will to revenge? Regardless, it goes without saying that Noah does, in fact, reach the mailroom.

Page 216, Line 13-18:

"Frank!" Noah called.

The department manager popped his head out from behind the sorting shelves. "Yes, sir."

"Have you heard from Molly today?"

"No, sir. She was on the schedule but she ain't been in. I called her agency about an hour ago and they haven't got back to me yet."

I would have expected "Frank" to be a bit more confused about why a V.P. is suddenly in his mailroom asking about a random temp. Admittedly, Frank does show a tiny morsel of curiosity about this in a couple of lines when Noah asks for her emergency contact numbers, but that's to be expected. Somehow I doubt that this is the first time that Noah has come looking for information on attractive female temps, you know?

Page 216, Line 24-31:

"You're talking about that temp girl, Molly?" Another of the mailroom staff had apparently overheard the conversation, and he came nearer. "Someone called here for her over the weekend. I picked up the voice mail when I opened up this morning."

"Do you have that message?" Noah asked. "It's important."

"I deleted it, and I didn't write anything down, since it was a personal thing. The fellow who called must have just tried all the numbers he had for her. He said her mama was in the hospital."

What a shockingly convenient, albeit dumb, development! Thank you random extra! More seriously, though, go back over what you just read: the dude listened to the voicemail closely enough to know that someone he works with- even if only on a temporary basis- has a mother in the hospital and may not know, and his response is to delete the message and not write anything down. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Page 217, Line 1-6:

As it gripped him there he remembered what Warren Landers had said, up in his father's office. It had passed in one ear and straight out his other, because, as usual, he was immersed in his own significance, as though the only bad things that existed were the ones that had happened to him.

We'll make them sorry. That's how Mr. Landers had put it. [emphasis original]

First of all: as it gripped him where? Moving along, on the one hand it is nice to see Noah realize that he's a self-absorbed dickhead. On the other hand, in this instance- having just been rescued from kidnappers who kept him under sedation for several days- I think a bit of self-absorption is only to be expected. That said, the odd thing is that even in Noah's unbidden recollections he's a moron. See, what he's keying on is Landers future-tense statement that Noah's kidnappers would pay. What he should have keyed on was his father's statement (Page 203, Line 29-30) that there had already been (past-tense) repercussions. In other words, whatever happened to Molly's mom had already happened by the time Noah was having his little chat with daddy. Ah, well. Whatever. Noah asks which hospital, the nameless extra tells him, and we hit the end of the chapter.

So, come back next time when Noah drives around and then has a warm visit with Molly's mom. Inexplicably warm, in fact, given that he apparently wants revenge on her daughter but, hey, who am I to judge?

See you then!

* As a general rule, I don't actually eat oysters in the first place, but my point stands.

Apparently my reputation precedes me...

2011-09-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

A loyal reader recently made me aware of this, which is just too funny not to share:

Via a comment in Seanan McGuire’s LJ, I see that romance author Susan Andersen has discovered a typo in the digital version of one of her books:

"He stiffened for a moment but then she felt his muscles loosen as he shitted on the ground."

Shifted — he SHIFTED! God, I am so appalled, not to mention horrified that anyone would think that’s what I wrote.

When Chris read this to me, I had to wonder:

Me: Do you think she’s horrified that people would think she wrote that her character took a dump, or that they’d think she wrote shitted instead of shat?

Chris: She’s a romance novelist. They generally don’t work blue.

We were both reminded of a (possibly apocryphal) story from decades back (which I think I first encountered on GEnie’s SFRT), in which a romance author not only named her hunky male sex object Drek, but opened her book with “Drek was hard and brown from long hours in the sun.”

Thanks- I work out.

Personally, I like the first one...

2011-09-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

What would it be like if an advertising agency made a pitch to ban religion? Two took a crack at it, and the outcome is pretty interesting:

The Overton Window: Chapter 31

2011-09-09T09:03:00.001-07:00

Welcome back one and all to our ongoing series on The Overton Window, the book that puts the liter in literary. Last time Noah learned that Molly has been playing him for a fool and we learned that he has a total hard-on for his mom. Yuck. What happens this week? Not a whole, lot, really- just an incoherent talk with Noah's dad.

As I mentioned I am once again selecting a comment of the week, and this week that "honor" goes to Jay for putting the pieces together:

My guess is that they continually track Noah, on court order, to make sure he stays at least 500 feet from schools and playgrounds. I hear he sets the "dating bar" medium-high (about the height of a 12-year-old).

My god. It all makes so much horrible, horrible sense now! I need to bleach my brain. Thanks for the awful revelations, Jay, and keep at it folks. Because, you know, somebody has to keep this shit entertaining.

And, with that, let's begin! As always, page/line numbers are in bold, quotes from the book are in block quotes, my commentary is in regular print, and you can navigate the whole series with the provided tag. My footnotes use the traditional star system (e.g. *, **, etc) while references included in the Afterword to the book are noted with numbered parenthetical tags (e.g. (1), (2), etc.). Va-va-voom!

***********************************
Dramatis Personae: In an order determined by polling the audience.

Eli Churchill: Former janitor at a volcano lair. Fan of remote telephone booths. Shot in the head by parties unknown.

Beverly Emerson: Mysterious correspondent of Eli Churchill's. Molly's Mom.

Noah Gardener: 28 years old. Sets the dating bar "medium-high". ~~Works~~ Vice president at a PR firm. Went to NYU. Is "witty". Frequently forgets where he's going and why. Not good at talking to women. Not really inclined to help out cab drivers. Low tolerance for alcohol. Lost his mother when he was young. Fond of chicken and waffles. Rich as shit. Views himself as a sexual panther. Likes bacon. Considers himself to be good at word games.

Molly "Hottie McPretty" Ross: Dresses like a hippie, but not really. Looks like a free spirit. Perfectly captures the essence of womanhood. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Has a tattoo on her chest. Wears a silver cross around her neck. Lost her father when she was young. Impressed by fancy cars. Cocktease. Possibly suffering from bipolar disorder.

Arthur Gardner Noah's father. Owner of Doyle & Merchant. Megalomaniac. Surprisingly vigorous for a 74 year old man.

Khaled: Lebanese cab driver. Sold out by Noah Gardener.

Hollis: Friend of Molly Ross. Very polite. From the country. May be a Yeti.

Danny Bailey: Some kind of YouTube celebrity. Former lover of Molly Ross. Kind of a dickhead. Loves conspiracy theories and incoherent speeches. Sodomized by inmates following the rally. Once dressed up as Colonel Sanders to infiltrate the United Nations. May be afraid of cats.

Charlie Nelan: Gardner family lawyer. Silver hair. Impeccably dressed. Looks awesome. Has some sort of weird relationship with GQ. May have the ability to sense when Noah's in trouble using some sort of clairvoyance. Possible kleptomaniac.

Stuart Kearns: FBI agent. Works on homeland security matters. Kinda old and wrinkly. Not particularly trusting. Lives in a double-wide trailer. Sixty-three years old.

Mr. Puddles: AKA Gray Death. AKA Ninja Cat. Stuart's cat. Large. Dangerous looking. Possibly plotting his demise.

Tiffany: A stripper at the Pussycat Ranch. Thinks Danny is awesome.

***********************************

Chapter 31: In which Arthur Gardner tries to have a super-villain moment and, in the end, turns into a discarded cast member from "Left Behind".

Recommended Mood Music:

Page 205, Line 1-2:

Arthur Gardner's office suite was rumored to be the quietest place on the island of Manhattan.

My margin note here reads, "Whoopdee-fucking-doo". This is fine, as far as it goes, but upon further reflection I'm suddenly forced to wonder: in this factional world, is the amount of noise in an office seriously such an interesting fact that there are actual rumors about it? What's it like at parties, I wonder? "Well, I know all of you are talking about Spitzer and his prostitute, but I heard that Arthur Gardner has- oh, I can hardly believe I'm going to say it- a really quiet office!" Dinner party of the damned. And you thought the book was boring. Anyway, Noah keeps musing about how damn quiet it is and then we get this.

Page 205, Line 11-14:

All that echo-dampened stillness made any interior sound seem exaggerated and unnaturally distinct- the scritch of the flint in his father's lighter, the hiss of the glowing tobacco in the bowl of his pipe, the steady metal workings of his ancient mantel clock on the corner shelf. [emphasis original]

What's weird about this to me is that it contradicts the preceding description. See, this office is supposed to be super quiet and have sound dampening ju-ju out the ying-yang. Yet, somehow, it doesn't come across as the excruciatingly disorienting sound-swallowing hole that it should be, but instead just seems to be a normal room that happens to be fairly quiet. I can only assume that the authors wanted to justify the characterization involved in the above passage, but wouldn't it have worked better if they had just used Noah's preternatural awareness of small sounds to say something about his emotional state, rather than about the room's architectural qualities? It's not even that it's bad writing, it's that they actually seem to avoid doing the interesting thing. It's like it's purposefully dull, and that's quite an accomplishment. In any case, Noah thinks about how his father loves to be alone- hence the preference for silence- and then tries to apologize to dear old daddy.

Page 206, Line 9-17:

"No need to, I said." His father set his pipe in its rest and leaned back in his chair. "It was more an insult than an injury, the idea that they managed to use you in an attempt to damage our company and our clients. We've known of these people, of course, and we'd thought we were adequately prepared, but they surprised all of us, didn't they? And I must say"- now there was a strange little smile on his face- "this avenue they chose, the seductive infiltration by this girl, it shows a great deal more ingenuity than I would have expected, given the source. It was inspired really. Ruthless though it was."

Yeah, well, nobody expects the TEA party inquisition:

"NOBODY expects the TEA Party Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and crazy...crazy and surprise.... Our two weapons are crazy and surprise...and ruthless avoidance of reality.... Our *three* weapons are crazy, surprise, and ruthless avoidance of reality...and an almost fanatical devotion to ignorance.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as crazy, surprise.... I'll come in again."

All kidding aside, however, did you catch that bit about how the whole thing was more insult than injury? So, for the record, Arthur is saying that crazy people who kidnap his son, drug him into incoherence for a weekend, steal confidential files, and escape free have basically not done anything. Maybe he has a more realistic view of Noah's worth than I've been giving him credit for? And as a final note- if Noah has suddenly realized that Molly looks just like his mom, what must Arthur be thinking? I mean, Noah's mom was Arthur's wife once upon a time.

Page 206, Line 24-27:

In a quick look back over the years Noah was certain he could have counted the number of actual, heart-to-heart conversations with his father on the digits of a single hand. Now it looked like another one was coming and, frankly, he wasn't in the mood.

Really? After such a trauma he doesn't want support from his usually distant father? Color me shocked. Still, I don't know what he's bitching about- I mean, seriously, who here isn't dreading the idea of more Arthur Gardner dialog?

Page 207, Line 1-5:

"Something is going to happen tomorrow morning, Noah. Something that will be the beginning of quite a change in the way things are. This weekend's developments, this theft and the accompanying threat of exposure, have served only to further convince the parties involved that now is the time for this- this course correction."

Ah. Right. So tomorrow, something will happen to someone because some other someone is concerned about something being revealed to some third someone? Makes perfect sense. Clear as freaking mud. Noah, being a semi-moron, asks what's going to happen and Arthur responds by asking whether Noah understands the difference between the world as Molly sees it and the world as it really is. Noah, honestly enough, admits he doesn't know.

Page 207, Line 13-21:

"If they spoke to you [Noah] at all then I'm sure you received the full picture from their warped point of view. Their proud ethos is generally the first thing to pop out of their mouths, or some variation on the theme." The following words were delivered in a deep tone of mocking reverence. "'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal- that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights- life, liberty,' and so on. That is the rallying cry of the modern day American armchair patriot, and it's a stirring turn of phrase, I must admit."

Yikes. So, Arthur Gardner is the patriot from Bizarro-world, then? Of course he is. We couldn't have a subtle villain with complex motivations, could we? *sigh*

Page 207, Line 22-26:

"But I came to understand at an early age that Thomas Jefferson himself couldn't really have believed what he'd written in his Declaration. No slave owner could. Nor could any man with his intelligence, and his great knowledge of history, believe himself to be the equal in any way to the ignorant masses of his time.

Yeah, see, this is a complex issue. On the one hand, by the standards of his day Jefferson was a fiery populist. And, among other things, he really, really did not think religion belonged anywhere near government. On the other hand, the vote in Jefferson's day was limited to landowning white males. So, Arthur is right, but if we go by what the founders intended then most of us shouldn't have the franchise anyway. Now, as it happens, I think Jefferson would have been generally favorable towards broadening the franchise, but that isn't the damned point. What is the point? Honestly, I don't know, except that neither the heroes nor the villains in the book seem to have a rudimentary knowledge of the constitution or the historical context of the founding of the U.S. I suppose I should also point out that the line Arthur is quoting comes from the Declaration of Independence, which is a neat bit of writing but has absolutely no legal standing in the U.S. as it constitutes nothing more or less than a communique with a foreign head of state. Anyway, Arthur rambles on a bit longer about how Jefferson didn't really believe our rights came from god (hard to say, but Jefferson was- at best- a deist), tosses off a quote or two (1), and then we slam head-first into a sort of non-sequitur.

Page 208, Line 22-26:

"Let me ask you, Noah. Put their complete incompetence in self-government aside for the moment. Do you believe that people, human beings, are basically good? That- as your loyal friend Molly would no doubt preach to us- all they must do is awaken and embrace liberty and the highest potentials of mankind will be realized?"

Now, the weird thing here is that I really don't think the founding fathers believed humans were "basically good". I think they viewed humans as basically selfish and prone to power trips. This is why our constitution divides powers in such a way as to make governance a clumsy, difficult process. As such, I fail to see why Arthur needs to set up such a strawman. Aside from the fact that he's dumb, anyway. On another level, though, I wonder how the authors mean for the audience to take this. On the one hand they're clearly supposed to sympathize with Molly et al. in hypothetically thinking people are basically good. On the other hand, we've already encountered the assertion that the U.S. is basically founded on Christianity (e.g. Page 167, Line 16-21) and Christianity is notorious for that whole "original sin" thing that explains why we're all by default worthy of eternal punishment. So, really, the very crowd that the authors are writing for should object most strenuously to the "basically good" characterization. So which is it, authors? Are we founded on Christianity or on the notion that people are basically good and decent? Because it can't be both! Regardless, Noah answers he thinks people are essentially good and by way of counter-argument Arthur gives him a newspaper.

Page 209, Line 15-23:

The headline of the story was TURKISH GIRL, 16, BURIED ALIVE FOR TALKING TO BOYS. (2)

The text below went on to explain that a young girl had been the victim of an honor killing, not an uncommon thing in many cultures, allegedly at the hands of her own father and grandfather. They'd buried her alive under a chicken pen in the backyard behind the house. And this was no crime of passion; it takes a long, thoughtful time to do such a thing. In fact, a family council meeting had determined what her punishment should be for the crime of hanging out with her friends. [emphasis original]

For those of you keeping score at home this marks the second time that brown people have appeared in this book. The first, of course, was good old Khaled, who is no doubt infiltrating the CIA as we speak. And no, I don't count all the throw away references to, "diverse groups of people" that we get whenever the authors sort of want to fight stereotyping but can't be bothered to really try. In any case, Noah says there are always extremists, to which his father basically says, "Yeah, maybe so, but most humans will do horrible shit like this if given the proper motivation." And the hell of it is, Arthur is totally right about this one. It isn't that people are inherently good or evil, but we are smart, aggressive and ruthless as hell. That's why the rule the planet, but it's also why we're our own worst enemy. Just one of those things. Sadly, however, Arthur has to fuck up his record of being right by suddenly deciding to be wrong.

Page 210, Line 1-3:

"The fact that one in a million of us may have evolved beyond those lower instincts is of no great comfort to me."

Yeah... evolution doesn't really work that way. First off, individuals don't evolve. The species as a whole evolves, but not individuals. Second, evolution is not an upward journey. By this I mean that the one and only criterion by which evolution judges a species is survival. From that standpoint, humans are abject failures since we are both less numerous, and have been around for less time, than cockroaches. Don't get me wrong, I think we're awesome, but to equate biological evolution with some sort of hypothetical ideal ethical state is sheer idiocy. Anyway, Arthur rambles on for a while about how the world's population is rising but most people are not geniuses and that, therefore, mankind is doomed. First off, I've read this story before, and it was done better the first time. Second, so far as we can tell this is just not true. And third, even if it were true, it completely ignores the effect of increasing per capita productivity. But, hey, who needs facts in faction? Not these authors! The endnotes of the book also go on about how this bit is modeled on "...many of the real life arguments in favor of eugenics..." and even quotes a few people. Trouble is, the people that are quoted are George Bernard Shaw, whose view of eugenics was offbeat to say the least, Theodore Roosevelt, who was pretty wacky in numerous respects, and Margaret Sanger, who supported eugenics, but opposed anyone who would make reproductive choices for prospective parents. In other words, her "eugenics" were not that different from modern notions of reproductive freedom. And in any case, all three of those folks are really figures from the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. Nice job, authors. But we may as well leave them alone because Arthur is swinging into his big finish.

Page 211, Line 17-19:

"The American experiment has failed, and now it's time for the next one to begin. One world, one government- not of the people this time, but of the right people: the competent, the wise, and the strong. [emphasis original]

Oh, man! It's like we're back in Left Behind with our good buddy Jonathan Stonagal again. Only Arthur is vastly less competent, which when you think about it, is saying something. Noah asks if Arthur means what he thinks he means, and Artie goes for the punchline.

Page 212, Line 5-6:

"The experiment that begins tomorrow will not fail."

Wow, he sounds like he really wants tenure! But, tenure or not, that brings us to the end of the chapter. It also, amazingly enough, brings us to the end of Part TWO, which means that next time we get to start Part THREE. Try to control your excitement.

But, excited or not, that's the way it is. Come back next time when Noah goes to the bathroom (yes, really) and then sets out on a path of revenge or... something. I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Toodles.

Just when you thought we'd hit rock bottom...

2011-09-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Our "friends" at Conservapedia have managed to scrounge up some dynamite and have begun to blast their way deeper. No doubt you will remember how the Conservapeons concluded that the bible had been corrupted by a series of liberal translations and, as a result, had to be returned to its true conservative roots. Thus was born the Conservative Bible Project, about which we have talked before, that is distinguished among all existing bible "translations" for its preference for the term "bimbo" rather than "damsel". Now, the Conservative Bible has essentially been completed* so a lot of the Conservapeons are somewhat at loose ends. What's a lunatic to do? Well, as it happens, the lunatics have managed to find an answer:

Or, in plain text:

The Conservative Dictionary Project continues to grow - your insights are welcome! [emphasis original]

Yes, that's right: the folks over at Conservapedia have decided to rewrite the dictionary. Not satisfied with mauling one of the central cultural artifacts of western civilization, they've decided to have a go at thoroughly destroying an entire language as well. Okay, "thoroughly" is a bit of an exaggeration. Given their previous degree of success it'd be more accurate to say "haphazardly" but it's the thought that counts, right?

If you follow their elegant and finely-crafted link, you'll find a fairly skimpy page describing the project:

Which replaces an explanation of why they need to rework the entire dictionary with a set of links to other articles, which allegedly make the case. These articles are, on the whole, freaking stupid but basically boil down to the contention that liberals have systematically altered the meaning of words and so conservatives now need to heroically recover the truth. That's not a joke, that's what they argue. See, for example, this. So, how is this new effort going? Well, if you take a quick look at the entry for A you'll see the answer is, "hilariously":

Or, to quote the first few entries:

Abstinence
True conservative meaning - Choosing to remain true to one's values and refraining from sexual behaviour until marriage
False liberal redefinition- Denying one's true impulses

acid rain
True conservative meaning - Possibly true idea that pollution returns to earth in the harmful rain.
False liberal redefinition- An excuse to stifle industry with government regulation.

Ad Hominem
True conservative meaning - A debate tactic where the opponent is attacked instead of their ideas, frequently used by foolish liberals.
False liberal redefinition - Accurately pointing out that someone is not qualified or informed enough to give a relevant opinion, sometimes used by conservatives and objected to by liberals.

Affirmative Action
Date: 20th century
True conservative meaning - Reverse discrimination.
False liberal redefinition - A way of helping people of color. [emphasis, weird formatting, etc. original]

Personally, though, my favorite thus far has got to be their entry for atheism:

Or, in text:

atheism
True conservative meaning - Denial of God's existence, a discredited and failing liberal worldview known to cause mass murder, immorality, uncharitableness, obesity and other negative consequences.
False liberal redefinition - a religion based on the belief in science rather than in a supreme being [emphasis, lack of punctuation, etc, original]

It's hard to know where to even start with that. Should I complain about the apparent evil they've built right into the definition, or should I quibble with the whole "religion based on the belief in science" thing? Because atheism is to religion as bald is to hair color, you know? But, then again, why bother arguing definitions of atheism with a bunch of guys who think that this is a valid critique of evolution?** So, I think the only responsible option is to point and laugh, which is what I'm doing.

Still, I think the best laughter is yet to come for the simple reason that the Conservative Bible Project had to use, you know, English words. And I'm forced to wonder whether, once this new conservative version of the dictionary is complete, they will have inadvertently changed the meaning of their own translation of the bible to be somewhat different than what they intended. Frankly, I look forward to the edit wars and hysteria that will result.

Good times. Definitely, good times.

* In other words, the new testament has been butchered enough for their liking and the old testament is just too long, hard, and boring for them to bother with. ** In contrast, it IS a valid critique of animated GIFs.