Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Friday, July 02, 2004

The hell with raid, gimme a flamethrower!

I never thought it would happen, but apparently I was wrong: I have finally seen real, photographic evidence of the development of biological weapons in Iraq. I know, I know, I'm as surprised as you, but we have to face the facts. Please direct your eyes to this, the newest weapon in the Iraqi arsenal. Apparently similar to the more common "camel spiders" found in North America, including Mexico, this new Iraqi variety has, apparently, been reengineered into fearsome killing machines. According to some GI Reports:

They run 10 mph, jump three feet, are a nocturnal spider, so only come out at night unless they are in shade. When they bite you, you are injected with Novocain so you go numb instantly. You don't even know you are bitten when you are sleeping, so you wake up with part of your leg or arm missing because it has been gnawing on it all night long.

If you are walking around and you bump something that is casting a shadow over it, and the sun makes contact with it, you better run. It will instantly run for your shadow, and scream the whole time it is chasing you.

Yikes! This is truly horrifying! That Iraq is in possession of an army of nocturnal, narcotic-equipped man-eating (well, limb-eating) spiders should be cause for grave concern among all of us. Can you imagine the panic if Iraqi agents or al-Qaeda were to release a crate of these beasts into our major cities during the summer? Chaos! Utter chaos! No cat, dog, horse, or morbidly-obese citizen would be safe! My sister would be calling me every ten minutes to smash one of these damn things with a rolled up magazine. And I thought having to kill palmeto bugs for her was a pain in the ass! Even worse, conflicting reports argue that:

They run over 25 miles per hour. They make squealing noises like a child screaming when they scamper about. ...they climb onto the bellies of camels and eat their stomachs from the outside, numbing the flesh by secreting an anesthetic. The camels don't even notice until their intestines fall out.

Does this indicate that a faster, more lethal variant ot the Iraqi Death Spider has already been completed? These represent an even more deadly threat if they reach the United States! Can you imagine spending an entire day at the office, suffering through mountains of paperwork, only to have your intestines fall out on the way home? Silly you, you didn't even feel it when the Iraqi Republican Guard Death Spider attached and started eating your stomach! Clearly the government was trying to communicate a warning of this sort when they referred to Hussein's hiding place as a "spider hole." Clearly no coincidence!

Yet, we have to ask, where did the Iraqis get the technology to create this new species of high-speed, high-octane spiders? Moreover, where are the labs where these new biological weapons were developed? Well, Dr. Michael Salla has an answer for us on this point as well:

The reports [of flying saucer activity in Iraq/Iran] are indicative of something that is very likely related to Stargate/energy portal activity in Iraq/Iran and the region generally. It is very likely that the whole region comprising Iraq/Iran/Afghanistan is a vast energy portal that was strategically chosen for this reason as the home base for extraterrestrials known as the Anunnaki during the Sumerian era. The ancient Sumerians described in great detail the lives and activities of the Anunnaki, and Sumerians' descriptions have been translated by the scholar Zecharia Sitchin. We are presently seeing signs of a possible connection between extraterrestrials and energy portals in the region in terms of the Iranian flyer saucer reports that may be only the initial wave of extraterrestrials visibly showing up in the region

While Dr. Salla continues at greater length, this paragraph is enough to answer our questions. The Iraqis have harnessed ancient alien technology, harvested from the ruins of these Anunnaki, and constructed a secret Death Spider lab on the far side of their many naturally-occurring energy portals. It's obvious!

So what do we do? Well, obviously, first, we must maintain our military occupation of Iraq. Secondly, we must invade Iran and re-invade Afghanistan to secure access to these energy portals. THEN we must launch a cross-portal invasion of the bastard Anunnaki lands beyond and crush the spider factories. Only then will the world be safe from giant, man-eating killer spiders, nay, giant ALIEN man-eating killer spiders! We cannot, as responsible people of the world, ignore the giant alien man-eating killer spider threat, and anyone that's against continued military action in the middle east is a giant alien man-eating killer spider LOVER! Are YOU a giant alien man-eating killer spider lover?! I didn't think so.

Not paid for by Bush/Cheney 2004.

But give them time. Hell, for them, this is almost believable!


Blogger Brayden said...

Sounds reasonable to me. Might we not do more to rid the world of evil terrorists though if we blamed the spider problem on France? I think that's where Saddam got them from in the first place....

Friday, July 02, 2004 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger Drek said...

Yeah, we could blame the French, but let's face it: if you want a nice distracting war, it's better to pick someone who doesn't surrender after a couple weeks.

Friday, July 02, 2004 9:49:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Site Meter