Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Live Blogging from Hell...

So a few days ago I was grading final exams and, as it happened, Britney Spears' cinematic debut "Crossroads" came on TV in the background. I decided that I might as well live-blog my sarcasm while I was grading because, shit, I wasn't doing enough already. Join me for this descent into misery...

7:00: They're burying a box! Britney won't say what's in it. I bet it's the body of her cat. Poor cat. First it had to live with Britney, now it has to spend all eternity in a shitty little box.

7:02: Her friends' names are Mimi and Kit? Merciful god.

7:04: Britney: "We wished that we'd be best friends forever." Yeah- and that your movie wouldn't be a crime against sentient species everywhere. Know what else? I'm betting wishes don't come true.

7:05: If my reception were better, Britney's underwear dancing would probably be more interesting. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking of a more attractive actress. Crap! Did I say "actress?" That sure as hell ain't right either.

7:06: Oh, wow, we're in the south and the black woman is oppressing the white woman. Shazaam! Also: Bwahahahahaha! Britney looks like she can't wait to splash some kerosene on the old cross.

7:07: Oh god, I just realized Dan Akroyd is playing the Elder Spears. That poor, poor man.

7:10: So, they made a pact to dig up the cat wish box at midnight? If I'm lucky, they'll unleash some sort of zombie plague. Regrettably, I am almost never lucky.

7:11: What in the...? Spears-dancing-in-underwear and a Spears-stripping scene within six minutes of each other? Some high quality scripting here. Like friggin MacBeth.

7:13: Aaaaaand her boyfriend is reading a list of reasons why she should have sex with him. I wonder if he filed it in triplicate with her agent first. Evidently she's still a virgin- unless I'm misunderstanding this whole "Don't you want it to be special," bit. Seriously, show of hands, how many of us had a first time that could be safely described as "special?" Okay, good, now how about special in a good way? Right. I didn't think so.

7:17: Hey, a dramatic scene about teen pregnancy. No, not Britney. She's a virgin, remember? Britney and "Kit" are arguing about a flashlight.

7:18: Kit: "Gimme back my flashlight!" Such powerful dialogue.

7:19: Britney: "Wow... I don't remember what we put in here." Shit, you don't remember this morning.

7:20: The pregnant one (Mimi?) wants to go to LA and become a singer. Apparently, however, being pregnant makes this impossible. It's a bright day for women's lib.

7:22: Oooooh! Britney is searching for her lost mother. Well, the mother who abandoned her without any explanation. Poor Dan Akroyd. Poor Britney. Poor goddamn audience.

7:24: Enter "Ben," the love interest.

7:25: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Backsteet Boys on the soundtrack! Christ, it burns! IT BURNS!!!!

7:27: Britney just pointed out that they're crossing the country on $486.00. I'm betting they stoop to prostitution by Montana.

7:28: And, Britney is in her underwear. Again.

7:30: Followed by a shower scene.

7:31: Apparently Ben has been in prison. For murder. I'm sure it's a misunderstanding, though. Still, I can always dream that this movie will stray into Kalifornia territory.

7:36: The baby just kicked. Mimi's baby that is. The father is named "Kurt." Goody. So glad I know all this utterly useless horseshit that has no bearing on the plot.

7:38: Ben: "Hey, what are you writing there?" Britney: "Stuff." That's what Shakespeare used to say too.

7:41: Mimi and Kit are in a catfight. Britney is playing peacemaker. And oh-so convincingly, might I add. Britney also appears to be an automotive specialist. Is there nothing this little vixen can't do? Besides, you know, sing?

7:43: Hey, the radiator is cracked and they need money, is it time for prostitution? GODDAMNIT! They're going to compete in a karaoke contest! Sweet mother of all, they're gonna sing.

7:44: Britney: "Ooooh... lemme wear those feathers!" Maybe I spoke too soon about the prostitution?

7:45: Or maybe not. *sigh*

7:46: Ironically, the preggers girl has frozen up despite her stated intention to become a singer. I guess pregnancy DOES preclude a singing career. Fortunately, Britney is here to take over. Or, more accurately, the sound-tech is here to take over.

7:47: If we were showing this movie to the "enemy combatants" in Guantanamo we would have found Osama by now.

7:50: And Ben beats the crap out of a guy who is hitting on Britney. Well, that's not totally accurate. The guy wasn't so much "hitting on her" as "virtually raping her standing up." This movie does NOT go in for subtlty. Does this mean Ben is really a convict? Maybe he's just being chivalrous? More importantly, does anyone give a crap?

7:56: Now the girls are drunk and dancing in a hotel room. So, added to the list of things Britney can't do: dance. Not that I can, but I don't pretend to the ability either.

7:57: Aw, crap. They're playing truth or... truth. This is what would qualify as "characterization" in a movie with actual characters.

8:00: Wait, Mimi was date-raped? Crap, so she's been raped, is pregnant by the date-rapist, AND can't sing? That's gotta suck. But not as much as this movie.

8:02: And we get the answer to the age old question: How many teenage girls does it take to operate a convertible? At least three, by the look of things. In other news: Aw, crap. Shania Twain? I dunno about god, but I'm pretty sure the devil exists judging by this soundtrack.

8:06: And Ben gives a speech about how he doesn't want the girls to drive his car because it's the only thing that hasn't been taken over by chicks. Britney seems fine with this. It makes me want to stab myself in the face.

8:08: On the upside we discover that Ben didn't kill anyone. He just, technically, kidnapped his sister to keep his stepdad from beating the fuck out of her. Awwwwwww.

8:14: Mimi is teaching Kit how to fight. Yeah. Because so far this movie has been all about empowering women.

8:15: Aw, crap. Britney is reading her journal of poetry. Britney: "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman." Nor, sadly, fully sapient.

8:16: Kit: "Something bit my ass! It's a snakebite!" Suck out the poison! Suck out the poison!

8:17: And Britney gets rejected by her heartless absentee mother. Remember, folks: women are evil.

8:20: In a heartrending scene we discover that Britney's mother never wanted her. Much like music-lovers everywhere.

8:22: Oh, god, Ben wrote music to go with Britney's "poem." Amusingly, Britney can't seem to remember the words. Whoops- there she goes.

8:23: You know... there's such a long pause between "I'm not a girl" and "not yet a woman" that I start thinking, "Sex-change?"

8:32: We arrived in LA one minute ago and Britney is already in a bikini. And to think I expected a shallow plot.

8:35: Hey, Britney is losing her virginity with Ben, the slacker, ex-con musician. Keep in mind that she turned down her steady boyfriend who hasn't been seen since the first ten minutes. This just goes to, once more, demonstrate that women prefer losers as long as they play guitar. I wouldn't know anything about that...

8:36: And Kit discovers that her fiancee is cheating on her. Oh, and that he's an even worse actor than she is, which is saying something.

8:38: Holy shit. Kit's fiancee is the guy who date-raped Mimi! What are the odds?! I'm so shocked, so horrified, so incredibly bored.

8:40: And the shock of all this causes Mimi to have a miscarriage. Well, at least Counselor-Action-Britney is here to spring into action!

8:41: Dan Akroyd: "What were you thinkin? Runnin away? And with a pregnant girl?!" Yep, them pregnant women, they be dangerous. You gotta be right careful, you do.

8:47: Britney caves in to her "domineering" father and agrees to return to hickville. Ben is mad. Mimi is forlorn without her rapist's baby. Kit is sad. Drek is suicidal.

8:48: Mimi: "Doesn't it feel like we left home a million years ago?" Oddly, yes, this movie does feel about that long.

8:52: Aw, crap, she's singing the goddamn girl/woman song again. What the hell? Britney has changed into a midriff shirt with enough extra material in the sleeves to outfit the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Freakin Maria.

8:55: Hey! They're burying another cat! They're like feline serial killers!

9:00: Oh, hot damn! Credits! The pain is over.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.

Though, that's actually a pretty mean thing to say.

And for any curious readers: my students are, so far, doing all right on their final exams. Who woulda guessed?


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