Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Here at Total Drek we promote from within.

Many of you who read this blog regularly will recall long ago when I introduced you to my intrepid co-blogger, Slag. It was a bright and positive time when I dreamed of being able to avoid writing in the blog for weeks at a time.

Alas, this never materialized but, hey, every little bit helps, you know?

In any case, following the introduction of Slag you may remember the introduction of Slag's Hot Belgian Girlfriend who, over time, became known by the charming acronym S'sHBG. Eventually, given Slag's desire to flatter his beloved, and my desire to write fewer posts, S'sHBG began serving as the Total Drek European Correspondent who, almost instantly, became known as the TDEC. Unfortunately, due to the vagaries of blogging, the TDEC was forced to rely on Slag to post her thoughts, rather than being able to do so directly.

I am here to tell you what many have probably already noticed: the TDEC is now an official contributor to the blog. She has a profile link and everything. It's an exciting new day for Total Drek for two reasons: with three staff writers we have perhaps truly earned the title "group blog," and, as a consequence, you can expect fewer inane ramblings from me in the future. Lo, and the people rejoiced.

Now, TDEC asked earlier, with no small amount of trepidation, whether or not there would be an initiation rite. Sadly, I don't know her biography as well as Slag's, so I am unable to welcome her in a similar fashion. Fortunately, I have a way around this. As you all know I am both a recent quasi-convert to pastafarianism and have long been interested in the arguments of intelligent design theory. Using these twin intellectual paradigms, I intend to allow the Flying Spagetti Monster to guide me to the truth with his noodly appendages, just as he guided the process of creation to produce all of us- including trees, mountains, and midgets. How am I going to do this? Simple: I'm going to ask Google images to provide me with a pictoral history of TDEC. See, the Flying Spagetti Monster will guide Google to give me the images I need in order from left to right, top to bottom. Simple, eh?

Initially I tried entering "hot belgian girlfriend," but, sadly, this produced no results. Assuming that this was a sign from His Pastaficience that I was missing vital parts of TDEC's character, I next typed in "belgian." What I received seemed unlikely to help:

Given that I do not believe the TDEC herself to be, nor to be responsible for the care of, a huge misshapen bull, I don't think this picture is relevant. I must, in the view of the Flying Spagetti Monster, have been too general.

So, to correct my error, I next tried "belgian girlfriend." My efforts can only have met with the approval of the Flying Spagetti Monster, for the pictures I sought were guided into my hands by His noodly appendages. So, without further ado, allow me to tell you the story of TDEC. Please keep in mind that despite the intervention of our Carbohydratious Lord my efforts at second-sight are likely to be somewhat inexact.

TDEC was born into an unusual family. Her parents were the only surviving result of a misguided attempt to cross-breed humans with muppets. The odd appearance of her parents would teach TDEC, from an early age, the importance of physical attractiveness. Despite their deformity, however, they were gentle and loving parents.

During TDEC's early childhood, her family became swept up in a grass-roots movement intended to bring fire to the huddling masses of Belgium. This movement was a failure primarily because, (A) their graphic design was deplorable and, (B) Belgium already had fire. Nevertheless, this would teach TDEC the value of ill-advised decisions which would, eventually, allow her to date Slag.

TDEC developed an early interest in sports, which led to her unfortunate, "bulky sunglasses and tracksuit" phase. During this period, even her half-muppet/half-human parents were loathe to be seen in public with her.

A wealthy local couple soon took pity on TDEC and attempted to provide the training in the social arts that she was sorely lacking.

This would lead to her introduction to Belgian royalty, as well as her introduction to a woman who looks vaguely like Celine Dion, but with vastly more terrifying teeth.

This new association would eventually lead to TDEC's torrid affair with the heir to the largest sausage factory in Prague. Many of her friends said they had never seen her more alive, or more favorably disposed towards tubes of meat.

The sausage prince, in particular, was happy about her regard for meat tubes.

Sadly this blooming romance would be torn asunder by TDEC's growing fascination with Americans and their huge, elaborately-made golden plates.

Like many before her, she travelled to the United States, expecting to partake of its sensuous bounty.

And instead found only a bit-part in the ill-fated "Blair Witch Project 3: Wiccan Boogaloo." This did, however, allow her to meet Slag.

Who showered her, first, with very small boxes of chocolates.

And then slightly larger boxes of chocolates.

Which impressed her so much, she allowed Slag to take her home to his lovely two-story cottage with attached petrochemical plant.

Where she revealed the truth: that she was actually a member of the ultra-elite Belgian Suicide Commandos who are unique among the military forces of Europe for not merely being encouraged, but actually expected, to die for their country.

Which brings us up to date.

So, please give a warm welcome to the Total Drek European Correspondent. If she still posts after all that, she deserves your support.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Were you wearing your pirate outfit when you did the search? 'Cause you know if you didn't, your results were the result of his rage and not the truth you sought.

Friday, September 23, 2005 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger TDEC said...


What can I say?

Sobek will eat you for your crimes against my person.

Friday, September 23, 2005 8:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a great story drek! one of your more entertaining posts! and it ended with a reference to suicide commando - this wicked cool industrial band i like. cheers!

Sunday, September 25, 2005 10:02:00 AM  

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