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Monday, October 09, 2006

Congratulations North Korea!

The world is a dangerous place. There are hundreds of countries, every one of which has an army poised to attack your home! Maybe they're coming to "spread democracy," maybe they're coming to "liberate the people," maybe they're trying to acquire some "lebensraum," and maybe they're just "batshit crazy," but one thing is certain: they are coming.

As the leader of a sovereign nation, you have to find a way to safeguard your people or, failing that, preserve your mad rule. How? How can you accomplish such an objective when so many nations are more powerful than you are? How can you defend yourselves against superpowers, and earn respect on the international stage?

Friends: we have the answer. We here at Nukular Diplomacy, LLC., have developed a fool-proof* plan for protecting yourselves from the dreaded foreign devils. Just follow our simple 4 step program:

(1) Threaten to develop nuclear weapons.
(2) Begin researching nuclear weapons.
(3) Produce nuclear weapons.
(4) Threaten your neighbors with hot atomic death at the slightest provocation.

This winning strategy is already being employed by client North Korea, who is on the verge of recognition as a responsible world player for the simple reason that, with nuclear weapons, the international community doesn't have a fucking choice.

Don't belive that Nukular Diplomacy can do this for you? Just take a look at these testimonials from satisfied customers!

"When I became the premier of the Soviet Union, we were barely anything. World War II nearly destroyed us and the Western imperialist dogs were barking at our gates. But thanks to Nukular Diplomacy, we became an important player on the international stage! Now, I can look at the Americans and proudly shout, 'We will bury you!'" -Nikita Khruschev

"My country has more goats than people and is locked in a bitter, decades-old struggle with our neighbor for a section of land that barely has a clue who it wants to belong to. Yet, we're somehow considered to be a nation worthy of serious diplomacy. Thanks Nukular Diplomacy!" -General Pervez Musharraf

"When I came to power we had just thrown off the yoke of imperial oppression and expelled the Japanese, but things weren't so good. The western powers were supporting our rivals in Taiwan and the Russians were treating us like their bitch! All that changed thanks to Nukular Diplomacy! Now, when we remind people that we're the oldest continuous civilization on the goddamn planet, they listen!" -Mao Zedong

"When I was a boy, the United States was a chicken-shit third-rate power, content to ignore the rest of the world and stay at home like a spinster aunt. Now, with the help of Nukular Diplomacy, we're considered the leaders of the free world. And all we had to do was vaporize two Japanese cities!" -Harry Truman

Don't be left out of the nuclear club! Contact Nukular Diplomacy today and ask for our free informational booklet, "Mututally Assured Destruction = Mutually Assured Fun!" Operators are standing by!

* Nukular Diplomacy, LLC. bears no responsibility for trade sanctions, surgical strikes, or invasions that result during steps 1 through 4 of our four step program. Program is not actually proof against all sorts of fools, crackpots, looneys, and psychotic dictators.


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