Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Just in case....

Some of you are, like myself and my Sainted Fiancee, awaiting the new installment in the Harry Potter series rather anxiously. It's been a long and gripping series and, in all honesty, I'm looking forward to the conclusion as much as I am not having a conclusion to look forward to any longer. So, it is fortunate that the last book* is supposed to be released (if I'm not mistaken) this Saturday. Doubtless national productivity will plummet until most people have finished, so I wouldn't make any appointments for next week.

At the same time, some folks probably can't wait that long. It has been a long wait, after all, and the last few feet are always the hardest part of the race. But what to do? Well, as it happens, there is a solution. Of sorts. I refer to the little-known quasi-sequel to the Fourth Harry Potter novel (Harry Potter 4.5 if you will), "Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-To-Dragon." Not sure what I'm talking about? Me either, really. I just type what the voices in my head instruct. Nevertheless, it is a real book- released solely in China and detailing the exploits of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and all the gang on an adventure that sounds eerily like "The Hobbit." I say "eerily" in this case, but really mean "exactly, save for the first and last chapters, as well as the introduction of names like 'Ron,' 'Harry,' and 'Hermione.'" It's a Chinese knockoff book that uses the works of Tolkien and Rowling to produce an instant commercial success and utter literary clusterfuck. The cover art alone is worth the price of admission:

Riiiight. Yeah. Whatever the hell that is, it sure looks exciting! This is a true masterpiece, as you can see for yourself:

Chapter 1: A Sweet and Sour Rainfall

Harry did not know how long this bath would take, when he would finally scrub off that oily, sticky layer of cake icing. For someone who had grown into a cultured, polite young man, a layer of sticky filth really made him feel sick. He lay in the high quality porcelain tub ceaselessly wiping his face. In his thoughts there was nothing but Dudley's fat face, fat as his Aunt Petunia's fat rear end.

Harry was a 5th-year student at Hogwartz School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. At that heavenly amusement park his grades were the highest of all the students in his class. Because of this, when summer approached he was named the Head Student in his class. But for some reason Harry did not understand, Professor Dumbledore firmly insisted that his summer practice be at his aunt's house at 4 Privet Drive.

His objections to this were overruled by the Headmaster on the last day before leaving school. Because of this Harry had been unhappy the whole day. 4 Privet Drive to him was his childhood heaven, but also his childhood hell.

His first day back, his cousin Dudley also returned home from school. This was his nightmare. From the depths of his heart he was not willing to pass summer vacation with his fat cousin, but there was absolutely no way to change the fact. At the magic school he was a young celebrity, but at Privet Drive he was still a protected object. [?]

During dinner, as always, Dudley had let loose his spoiled personality, and not only yelled abuse at his fool of a father, but also threw a plate of cake at Harry's face just because Harry said something to him that a polite child should not say.

Lying alone in the large tub with the piping hot water flowing over him and his soul calmed, he decided his evening's activity would be to take as long a bath as he wanted. Though usually unwilling to accept anything from the Dursleys, still he had decided to use the adults' bathroom. It was very rare for anyone to enter the crude old man's bathroom. Even his wife and child were not usually allowed in, so the chance of Harry's being disturbed or upset was not very big.

Apparently his uncle let him do this because he was a little embarrassed, Harry thought as he soaked in the tub, repeatedly thinking of how his cousin Dudley had squandered his advantages with his repulsive actions.

Harry had very carefully planned this bath, because before he had gotten up in the middle of the night and run around, and been caught by his Aunt. He could not bear thinking back to the terror of that night, and hoped not to experience it again. The invisibility cloak he naturally could not do without for the purpose of security. Harry also wanted to bring "Introduction to Transformations" so if Dudley blundered into the room he could change into a huge monster and scare Dudley half to death. After thinking for a while he felt pity for the obese pathetic worm, and decided to bring his Marauder's Map instead. The Marauder's Map was scarcely less important than the invisibility cloak. It was the most important tool for Harry to use when he was breaking the school rules. The map would show anyplace Harry thought of, including all the complicated twisting corridors and secret passages from the wars of several decades ago. But the most important thing was that it displayed the names of all the small points representing the locations of all the people in the area. This way, if anyone approached the bathroom Harry could get an early warning.

[skip to the end of the book]

At a crossroads Gandolf said goodbye to them, because he wanted to return to Hogwartz. Just before leaving he told Harry he should return to his uncle's house at number 4, since he had disappeared for a month, and who knew what trouble those moron muggles would get into.

After Gandolf left, the five of them rode their brooms, travelling with the wind. Trees and cars along the roads below receded. Only when they encountered the occasional passenger jet, the pilot and passengers would cry out, "Hey! Flying people!", or "Hey! Aliens!"

Not far from the small town they found an isolated place to land, and walked back according to the school rules.

"Bless me! What's going on?" Harry had hardly walked into his Uncle Vernon's house when he cried out.

In front of Uncle Vernon's front door was a great commotion, and people of all sorts, police and kind-hearted neighbors. On the grass in front of the door police cars were parked with their sirens still going off.

In the distance he saw that fat pig Dudley. He hadn't seen the jerk for more than a month, but there he was, certainly several pounds heavier, happily rubbing his stomach.

"Harry! Harry is over here!" Dudley called.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia turned their heads and looked at Harry, so angry they were not even able to think of punishment for an instant.

"You juvenile delinquent, where the hell did you run off to? We thought you were gone without a trace."

"Look, the police are all here! You disobedient child!"

Fat pig Dudley ran over, pointing at his nose and saying loudly, "Harry,why did you go away?"

Harry ignored them all, and along with Ron, Malfoy, Hermione, and Peter, with head high and chest thrown out walked into the house.

The owl hooted a greeting and flew over, stopping on the porch. A pair of owlish eyes stared fixedly at all the Dursleys, and they all nervously shut their mouths.

I don't want to encourage piracy, but this may well be the funniest damned thing I've read all year. So, if you're having those pangs for Potter... this probably won't do shit, but it's the best you're gonna get before Saturday.

Have fun!

* Which should really be titled, "Harry Potter and the Money Factory."

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Blogger Plain(s)feminist said...

Harry did not know how long this bath would take, when he would finally scrub off that oily, sticky layer of cake icing. For someone who had grown into a cultured, polite young man, a layer of sticky filth really made him feel sick. He lay in the high quality porcelain tub ceaselessly wiping his face. In his thoughts there was nothing but Dudley's fat face, fat as his Aunt Petunia's fat rear end.

Is it just me, or does this sound like the beginning of some really bad porn?

Monday, July 16, 2007 10:04:00 PM  
Blogger Drek said...

Not just you. Definitely not just you.

Monday, July 16, 2007 10:58:00 PM  
Blogger maxliving said...

That dragon on the cover looks very familiar, like a recolored version of the dragon in this picture:

Tuesday, July 17, 2007 6:23:00 AM  
Blogger TDEC said...

Funny, in a foul, disturbing sort of way. Personally, I am holding out for Saturday, and if Amazon doesn't deliver it by two pm, then I am going out and buying another.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007 5:14:00 AM  
Blogger Drek said...

"Funny, in a foul, disturbing sort of way."

TDEC: I think that's the best description of this blog that I've ever heard.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007 9:24:00 AM  

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