Total Drek

Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Act now!

Like many folks in the U.S. I am a routine victim of junk mail. Unlike many of my fellow citizens, however, I am a recipient of junk mail from Harbor Freight. For those who aren't part of the club, Harbor Freight is an oddly named hardware store that my father is rather fond of. As a consequence, I once purchased him a gift card from said establishment for his birthday. Alas, when I completed this purchase I unchecked the box that said, "Yes! I want to receive special offers from Harbor Freight!" I say "alas" because I am forced to the conclusion in, in fact, the box should have been labeled "No! I don't want to be added to your mailing list for slack-jawed hillbillies!" Doubtless you can see where this is going.

In any case, I recently received an envelope from Harbor Freight that was, allegedly, a "resource pack." In point of fact, this resource pack was just a large envelope filled with little cards like those you find stuffed into magazines. Instead of selling subscriptions, however, these cards were selling a variety of products. Some of these products were useful but some, to the contrary, struck me as a little humorous. For your viewing pleasure, I here include five of my personal favorites with a little commentary.


First up, we have the gift for a man who has everything except drinkable water. So, you know, Paul Atreides would have loved this thing:

There are two things I love most about the drill kit above. The first is the name- the "Hydra-Drill." See, "hydro" means "water" but "hydra" means "horrible monster." So, really, the name makes me think that if I were to cut this drill in two it would suddenly grow four new drill bits. Awesome! Secondly, however, I love the claim that, "There's no limit to the wonderful things you can do when you have your own private water system and no water bills." Seriously? No limit? None at all? The Hydra-Drill will make my omnipotent?


Second up we have another resource for drilling as well as pumping:

I know I shouldn't laugh but... well... does this really count as "hardware?" On second thought, don't answer that. The truly frightening thing is that while this is covered by insurance and medicare, birth control pills probably aren't. Yay, batshit looney religious proscriptions! Truth be told, I also have a hard time reading that bit about "Compare the size," without snickering a little.

Next up, we have something nice you can do for our brave soldiers serving overseas:

Folks, really and truly, this holiday season give the gift of mouth and lung cancer. Sure our soldiers face the risk of IEDs, suicide bombers, insufficient armor, arbitrarily long deployments, and general malaise, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't also be saddled with a vile habit that can kill them in horribly uncomfortable ways in the event they survive their deployment! Good decisions about personal health are, apparently, unpatriotic.

Next, we have an entry that seems to go hand-in-hand with the penis pump above:

Sure the door will let you fit your chemically and mechanically induced, but no less raging, hard-on into the bathtub, but will it restore your dignity? I doubt it.

Finally, we come to the ultimate in crappy products:

That's right ladies and gentlemen! You can now purchase $6.00 in U.S. currency for the low, low price of $15.00! What a steal! I mean, if these were really old or something it might make sense, but the oldest was minted in 2002. I suspect the real purpose of this item is to determine who should receive the "extra special" offer catalog. Doubtless it includes super-special offers like, "Buy a new, unused brick for only $39.95 plus shipping and handling! Supplies are limited so ACT NOW!"

And the odd thing is, the main consequence of these "offers" is I suddenly feel even less inclined to buy anything. Thank you, Harbor Freight!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

So let me understand this-- if your father is fond of Harbor Freight, does that put him in a certain classification if you referenced the mailing as for "slack-jawed hillbillies!" ?

Friday, February 29, 2008 1:41:00 PM  
Blogger Drek said...

A fair question, anonymous! I think I would say it does not as, really, he would never buy any of the crap in the advertising packet anyway. It isn't his, or my, fault that their advertising is poorly targetted.

Friday, February 29, 2008 3:04:00 PM  
Blogger Mister Troll said...

Wow. That's some junk mail.

Friday, February 29, 2008 8:04:00 PM  

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