Total Drek

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Black Mesa Research Facility Technical Support FAQ:

Thank you for accessing the Black Mesa Research Facility Technical Support Frequently Asked Questions file! This file should help you with common difficulties experienced by employees of the Black Mesa facility. If this file does not help you, please fill out a trouble ticket and submit it to technical support.

1. I can't access my e-mail with the web utility.

ANSWER: The web utility has been disabled for security purposes. For improved security and reliability all e-mail must be accessed using Microsoft Outlook.

2. I've set up Outlook, but the e-mail server keeps reporting that my password in invalid.

ANSWER: New policies require that employees change their passwords once every thirty days. You may change your password using the personal information editing tool located online.

3. I keep trying to change my password but the system won't accept it!

ANSWER: Black Mesa Technical Support has installed password monitoring software to ensure that your password conforms to industry standards for security. You must supply a password that is sufficiently complex. Here are a few tips:

  • You must choose a password that is at least ten characters long.
  • You must use a combination of letters, numbers, and symbols.
  • You may not use any words found in the English, French, German, Russian or Spanish languages.
  • You may not use profanity.
  • You may not use more than two vowels in your password.
  • You may not use "Y" at all.
  • You must capitalize at least three letters.
  • You may not have two or more capitalized letters adjacent to one another.
  • You may not have any symbols adjacent to any capitalized letters.
  • You may not use a letter, number, or symbol more than once.

Remember: You must change your password every thirty days.

4. The password requirements are too restrictive!

ANSWER: While they may seem difficult to work with at first, you will find that the new password restrictions are easy and fun! You can make lots of easy to remember passwords like, QwtHi#3^pJ and Vk#4Ri8Ft~

5. I need to install new equipment controls on my computer but it says I don't have administrator priviledges.

ANSWER: To improve security all administrator priviledges have been revoked. If you would like new software installed on your computer please fill out a technical support ticket online. One of our skilled technicians will take care of the installation in 4-6 hours.

6. I've been trying to use the anti-mass spectrometer in the anomalous materials laboratory for hours but the control software won't open!

ANSWER: To improve security we have locked all users out of all programs except for Outlook, Word, PowerPoint and Excel. If you want to activate lab equipment you must submit a technical support ticket online. We will temporarily unlock the software in 4-6 hours.

7. I can't fill out a technical support ticket asking you to unlock my broswer because you've locked my browser.

ANSWER: Let us know if anything changes.

8. I was just down in sub-basement B-31-Delta and there's radioactive sludge venting into the drainage canals!

ANSWER: We have applied a patch to the pumping control system that locks the radioactive sludge vents into the "on" position. This resolves a security issue in which some virus programs could corrupt cookie data in Internet Explorer 3.0.

8. The WiFi keeps dropping my computer!

ANSWER: To improve security we have installed software that randomly reassigns IP addresses every six and a half minutes. Some computers may experience delays of up to three minutes in resetting their IP addresses.

9. Help! I'm locked out of the anti-mass spectrometer's emergency shutdown control!

ANSWER: Submit a technical support ticket via the online system and we will unlock the emergency shutdown control in 4-6 hours.

10. I've been going around in circles in the rail tunnels for hours! The remote track changer isn't functioning!

ANSWER: The remote track changer has been disabled. It was part of a security vulnerability in which remote users could, potentially, take control of your computer's desktop themes. To change tracks throw a rock firmly at the track control lever as your rail car goes past.

11. The blast doors have been triggered by the fire and now I'm trapped!

ANSWER: The blast door emergency open controls were disabled to correct a security flaw in which a remote user could delete your favorites file.

12. I'm trying to call out and alert the authorities to an invasion by hostile aliens but the system won't let me!

ANSWER: To reduce costs long distance calls have been disabled unless you have an appropriate access code.

13. How do I obtain a long distance calling access code?

ANSWER: You must submit a technical support ticket via the online system. We will provide you with a code within 4-6 hours. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.

14. Where are you? I want to beat you to death with this crowbar.

ANSWER: We apologize for the inconvenience but Black Mesa Research Facility's Technical Support staff is leaving to bring our expertise to Drek State University! With our help, soon their computing resources will be as secure as Black Mesa's.

Thank you for accessing the FAQ file!

Hail Lord Satan,

The Black Mesa Research Facility Technical Support Staff

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

What, no cake?

Friday, February 08, 2008 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger Marf said...

If Microsoft ran Black Mesa...

Friday, February 08, 2008 7:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They're waiting, Drek. In the Social Interaction Lab.

Friday, February 08, 2008 8:42:00 PM  
Blogger maxliving said...

Might I recommend:

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 9:40:00 PM  

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