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Or, the thoughts of several frustrated intellectuals on Sociology, Gaming, Science, Politics, Science Fiction, Religion, and whatever the hell else strikes their fancy. There is absolutely no reason why you should read this blog. None. Seriously. Go hit your back button. It's up in the upper left-hand corner of your browser... it says "Back." Don't say we didn't warn you.

Friday, April 04, 2008

"Why yes, I speak lunatic!"

Many of you may remember that scene in the classic film Airplane! where an old woman remarks to a stewardess, "I speak jive!" She then proceeds to converse with two black men who have been speaking such a dense mish-mash of slang all movie that they can barely be understood. While somewhat disquieting from one perspective, the image of an old white woman slinging jive is something that just stays with you. And if you've never seen that scene... you really should!

In honor of that classic scene I'd like to translate two headlines from our buddies over on Conservapedia. The first headline is a beautiful example of a non sequitur:

Presidential candidates, civil rights leaders, labor activists and thousands of everyday citizens are coming together Friday to honor the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. on the 40th anniversary of his death. (But not Barack Obama).

Translation: Barack Obama isn't really black! If he were black he'd be prostrating himself on Dr. King's grave. He doesn't really care about black people because, if he did, he'd be talking about Martin Luther King constantly today. And if he were, we totally wouldn't talk about how he was campaigning using the politics of race. Nuh-uh. No way. Not conservapedia! We never invokve the politics of race! It's not like we ever claimed that Barack Obama had no personal achievements that weren't the result of affirmative action or anything!

Wasn't that exciting? Well, how about our second passage, appearing on the same day:

Ultra-Liberal University of Wisconsin-Madison is "on alert" after a female student was found murdered. "Dean of Students Lori Berquam said the incident was a 'shock' to the entire Madison community." This is the third unsolved killing in the vicinity of campus in less than a year.

Translation: Liberals are evil. Liberal policies are evil. Places that adopt liberal policies will experience evil things. Madison, Wisconsim is paying the wages of sin! Repent, sinners! Return to the fold of the Free Market!

Don't you just want to go over to Conservapedia, find Andrew Schlafly and hug him? I mean really hug him until he stops breathing or, at the very least, decides to stop vomiting such hateful innuendo onto the internet?

Alas, in the meantime, all we can do is mock.

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