Total Drek

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Satire or Scary? You MAKE THE CALL!

Recently I became aware of a delightful little website called As you might guess, this appears to be an unusually well-done website for those wacky ultra-conservative Christians we all know and love. I confess that I was, initially, rather surprised by what I found there as my introduction to the site was via an installment of their Ask Amber advice column. And oh, what advice it is:

Dear Amber,

I first want to say I’m a really big fan of your work on ChristWire and really enjoy your insight into our world’s pressing issues. The question I have for you today is really embarrassing, but I hope that by asking it here I can help other parents out there too.

Some time ago my daughter forgot to take her laundry from the dryer before taking off for volleyball practice, so I folded them up and went to put them up for her in room.

When I reached in her undergarment drawer and I will be frank, my heart dropped as I found one of those electronic phallic objects in it. They are used to ‘M’ and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I thought to ask my husband, but didn’t want him to have to go through the embarrassment and anguish of such things. I instead asked several of my close girlfriends, some of who are not Christians, and some of them said this was a normal part of a healthy teen’s lifestyle.

The night I decided to talk to my daughter about all this, I heard well…I heard reason to not go in the room. I believe she was using the device then. Is this really alright behavior for a good girl or do I need to confront her? Please help!

- Concerned in San Diego

Dear Concerned in San Diego,

You need to immediately take that sinful device from your daughter. Masturbation is another form of pornography that will infest your daughter’s mind and serve as a gateway to far worse sexual activities.

Studies show that 87% of the women who become prostitutes did so because of unbridled masturbation as a teenager, and over 90% of girls who become pregnant as teenagers did so because of masturbation loosened their morals and made them more apt to engage in unprotected fornication.

Masturbation will make your daughter very comfortable exploring her body, and it will not be long until she begins to envision other people partaking in the deviant behavior with her.

This will of course lead to your daughter seeking out a male companion, or even female. As a teenager, your daughter’s mind is not yet developed enough to handle the pressures and responsibilities of being sexually active. It will lead to great sorrow in her life if you don’t put a stop to it right now.

So first, have a talk with your daughter and pray with her. Pray all that sinful desire of masturbation right out of her heart. Throw the device away, and then enroll her in some abstinence counseling sessions. These will teach your daughter the value and need of respecting her body until marriage. Masturbation is very unnatural and by taking proactive steps to get this bizarre behavior out of your teen’s life, you’ll ensure she has a better future.


So, just to sum up, we have a grown woman who apparently can't bring herself to type the word "masturbate," we have claims that masturbation is a sort of gateway activity to prostitution and pregnancy (backed up by Schlafly Statistics no less), and we have a prescription for quite possibly the most awkward mother-daughter prayer session imaginable.

Not enough for you? Then keep reading:

Dear Amber,

My family are very devout Christians (I don’t even know if there was a generation of ust that wasn’t) and my father is also a pastor. I recently met a charming boy who I love dearly and in my heart I feel we can really go great places together, he’s wonderful.

The problem is that he is Muslim and my family do have a problem with trust, call them very patriotic. How do I explain to my family that they have to get to know the person and not judge on outside prejudice?

- Wisconsin girl in love

Dear Wisconsin Love,

Your parents love you with all their heart and are looking out for your best interest. Many people do not realize this, but the threat of Homegrown Terrorism is very, very high and every neighborhood may have an American jihadist traitor lurking about.
Jihad USA: Confronting the threat of homegrown terror is an excellent piece that will open your eyes against this very serious threat to America and potentially to your life.

Imagine the sorrow in your parents hearts if this young man is one of the hundreds of millions of Muslims who could potentially be working with homegrown terrorists, and he did something to harm you. Would that not be a cruel fate to place on your parents?

That is their concern, Wisconsin Girl. When you’re young it’s really easy to want to combat your parents and not take their word to heart. But know they are always looking out for your best interests and something in their guts is telling them, “no, no, no”.

So talk to them more about their views on terrorists in America and ask the young man about it too. If he becomes upset with you asking and gets offended, run! He may be guilty. Your parents love you and someone else does too, Wisconsin Girl.

- Amber

Right. So. A good Christian girl shouldn't date a muslim not because he's a muslim but because muslim=terrorist. And if he gets upset at that equation, then he must be guilty. QED, bitches!

Now, at first I was horrified by Christwire. Then, however, I started snooping. The site is ostensibly run by one Jack Gould, who claims to be the Youth Pastor at "Langley CC". If we assume that "CC" stands for "Christian Church" we can perform a google search, but the results are... inconclusive. I can't find a likely looking Jack Gould who isn't referenced solely on Christwire and the link on the first page of results for "Langley Christian Church" is more than a little... suspicious. Additionally, the site includes such fascinating articles as Blue ducks are gay! They face species extinction!* and Canada has an amateur army. That last one is by our beloved Amber and is predictably special:

Time and time again America has made the allied armies of every other nation on Earth look silly in comparison. Let’s take a good lesson from our aforementioned World War 2.

The Great War is surely one of the best examples of what happens in a world without an American military presence. It all started when the NAZIs and their blood-thirsty Chinese allies had just about conquered the Earth, from Russia to England, in under a year.

As France and an all but conquered Britain lay prostrate before the NAZIs in the West, the communist Soviets were one horseback and trying to defeat the Sino-NAZI alliance with rocks and potatoes, as they had run out of bullets.


Countries are now so delusional they think sending 20 soldiers and $1,000 of their fake money to a war effort — like the war on terror — is a real contribution. They think by sending their little trained farmers out with our soldiers, they are actively contributing to bringing peace and freedom.

The fact of the matter is that by not calling out these weak countries: Canada, Britain, France, Australia and everyone else in the U.N. that’s not America, we’re creating a dangerous environment. Without American, the U.N. is powerless.

Riiiiight. Now, on the one hand my experience with Conservapedia makes me all too aware that this level of craziness is, in fact, possible. On the other hand, Christwire is just a wee bit too over-the-top for me to quite believe. And so, good readers, I'm going to go out on a limb, refer to Christwire as brilliant satire, and invite you all to laugh along with me.

Unless it turns out they're serious, in which case we're all doomed.

* As a side note, he blue ducks are not facing extinction, but may die out in the U.K. Here's the original story from the Telegraph.

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Blogger Brad Hersh said...

Seems like a prime example of Poe's law, and even gets a mention in that wiki.

Thursday, March 26, 2009 10:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Drek,

My mom, who's SUPER religious, told me I have to respect my body until marriage. I've, like, totally been craving fettucine alfredo. Does this mean I should get married?

Starving in Savannah

Friday, March 27, 2009 2:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with your investigation of this website. My husband and I are youth pastors and I pray that is a fake site as they do not represent the beliefs and views of us as Christians. They are so over the top and horrifically obserd!! Thank you for your article!

Thursday, May 07, 2009 7:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was trying to do a similar search to try and figure if this "drek" of christwire was meant to be satire, too, and the closest I came to finding info on the good Pastor was reading what you wrote.
The bottom line is that even if it IS satire, it feeds the fanatics, so ends up scary anyway.
The other scary thing is all the comments in which people insult one another and each other's mutual horrible spelling and grammar.

Friday, November 06, 2009 8:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm afraid it HAS to be satire. Not because it's over the top, because we ALL know people who actually do think like the writers at Christwire seem at surface value to think like, but because of the Bearsharktopus evidence.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bearsharktopus, here is the original article:

Now, this in itself, although absolutely absurd, is not necessarily full proof of Christwire's satire, for I am sure that there are some inbred hicks out there who would look at that obviously photoshopped image and be convinced that it was evidence of the Government doing unnatural genetic experiments. The fact that such ingrates would most likely be utterly incapable of turning on a computer is beside the point.

The detail of Bearsharktopus that proved to me beyond a doubt that Christwire is a satirical site is a post that came about two weeks after the Bearsharktopus was published:

Here we have the creator of the Bearsharktopus image, and although he did not state directly that it was a photoshopped image, it was fairly well implied, and he even goes so far as to post the link where you can now buy Bearsharktopus t-shirts.

If the moderators at Christwire truly believed that Bearsharktopus was a genetic experiment gone wrong, I HIGHLY doubt that they would have published this posting from the creator of the image.

There is also the fact that on just about every article attacking the "homogay agenda," as they have penned it, there are advertisements for gay cruises and dating services.

When questioned about this abnormality, the writers will undoubtedly fall back on their excuse that it is a "regional advertising campaign" and that Christwire has no control over what advertisements are displayed in your area.

To which I say, "B.S." If only I could somehow make those letters big enough to emphasize the point. Alas.

Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also, in response to Anonymous #3's concern about the anger of the responses on the site, I am fairly certain that many of the posters are in on the joke and are simply "feeding the trolls," as they call it. They provoke the "conservative writers" into saying even more hillariously ignorant and absurd things so that they can get even more laughs. It also wouldn't surprise me if some people have "multiple identities" on the site and hold debates with themselves...

Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:34:00 AM  
Anonymous smooshie said...

But why would Liberty University be a primary sponsor if this is satire? I found this post/your blog while searching for Jack Gould ... I'm stumped ...

Thursday, January 28, 2010 4:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hon, I think you're right that it's satire, but look at this: So maybe it's legit? o_O

Sunday, July 18, 2010 7:12:00 PM  
Blogger Drek said...

Interesting link, Anonymous, but the name of the Youth Pastor is wrong. Not conclusive, but worth noting. Still, my guess remains that this site is parody, even if there are genuine sites that seem like possible matches for some of the institutions mentioned.

Monday, July 19, 2010 6:25:00 AM  
Anonymous audrey said...

I believe this is a site that is meant to drive people further away from Christianity as another example of Christians who don't follow Christianity... and are stupid. (For the record, I consider myself a spiritually religious active Christian)

Look at this, "Kobe Bryant Makes Hurtful Gay Slur in NBA Game, Fined Only $100,000"

I commented with, "You also wrote this article:
and said 'faggy eyes.'

Why is it okay for you to use that word? Explain."

August Weisz responded with, "Typical wikipedialeaks liberal lies."

Makes sense.

Saturday, April 16, 2011 10:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That comet u sead "Muslim=terrorist"
That is racism something a pastor should be trying to fight agonst and that girl what I would have sead is make sure you really now the guy befor u get into a serious relation ship with him maby first become friend with him just to know him better

Thursday, August 04, 2011 2:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I left a brand new shiny vibrator and a pack of batteries under my daughters pillow for her 14th birthday along with a little note: "practice being a little quieter. The whole neighborhood can hear you coming!"
The next morning she thanked me for "the best present ever!"

Tuesday, February 14, 2012 9:27:00 PM  

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